The Most Hideous Crimes of Fetish Fashion

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Okay, okay I talk a lot about how my eyes get offended by male doms’ dress sense, but Mr Sir isn’t the only one out there committing utterly heinous sartorial acts and offending my delicate myopic eyes. There are many who are guilty. So, Bitchy presents, the most hideous crimes of fetish fashion.(Quick aside: Funny innit, how places with horribly oppressive “dress codes” will allow all of these things and yet balk and a happy relaxed young woman who chooses to express her dominess in jeans and trainers. Gits)

1. Anything you have had to have made specially made in your size. If it’s not made that size as standard, chances are there’s a good reason for that.

2. More than three facial piercings on anyone over the age of 19. Having your cheeks stapled together does not make you look hard; it makes you look like you don’t understand basic accessorizing.

3. Motorcycle trousers – y’know with the padding and all – yeuuch

4. Anything, just anything that you are being forced to wear as public humiliation because it is so revealing. Just who’s being punished here: you or the people who have to look at you in your labia revealing outfit?

5. Shoulder pads – It is not 1985 and you are not Joan Collins

6. Black lipstick – femdoms, look in the mirror before you leave the house and ask yourself this question: “In all honesty, could I be mistaken for Marilyn Manson?” If so, get the cleanser and start over.

7. Cowboy boots – run for your fucking life

8. Cowboy hats – as above but even faster

9. Platforms – stop it. It. Is. Wrong. Platform stilettos are even worse. No pleasant, not practical, as my grandmother used to say: ‘neither use nor ornament’, and I really didn’t want to start quoting her, but you have forced me into it.

10. Fishnets with stilettos – it’s fishnets with flats, stilettos with sheers. This is BDSM – I thought you liked arbitrary rules. If I told you not to ejaculate until next Wednesday week you’d do it, and yet, you can’t do this one little thing for me.

11. Those all over figure hugging body suit things that just have little holes for the eyes – yelp! And where do you keep your keys BTW? Second thoughts: I don’t want to know.

12. Leather waistcoats – over a shirt: nasty - over a bare chest: vomit.

13. Anything that shows your sexual organs (inc. secondary) – it’s not nice

14. Pony tails so tight it looks like you have had a botched face lift (apart from anything else: they hurt) – why is this dominant, exactly? Painful hair. This is the one thing about he femdom look that continues to perplex and floor me.

15. Anything where, in an attempt to further pervert something already perverse, it has been rendered in an incongruous fabric – rubber nuns, PVC French maids. It’s vulgar; it’s wrong: it’s vulgar and wrong.

16. While we’re on the subject nuns and French maid costumes are hideous anyways, likewise schoolgirls – look, did someone make this whole business fancy dress without telling me? Except men in uniforms. That’s okay, ’cause it’s hot. Everything else, so very no.

17. Tiny teddy bears in bondage gear hanging from belt loops – so many things wrong it’s hard to begin. Plus: do not hang things from your belt loops. You are not a roadie.

18. Thigh boots – transvestites only. And really, not even then.

19. Black PVC catsuits – (1) cliché, (2) unless you are a size zero you look like a slug that’s learned to walk upright.

20. T-shirts featuring 1980’s Goth or heavy metal bands – ugh, I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again: it is not 1985. 1985 clothing didn’t even look good *in* 1985, let alone two decades later. Sort it out.

21. Femdoms: you are not Siouxsie Sioux

22. Male subs: you are not drag queens

23. Fem subs: No matter how much of a sexual kick you get out of it, letting a man decide what you wear on a regular basis is not a good thing.

24. Male doms: whatever you’re doing fashionwise, it’s probably wrong. Removing your facial hair would be a good place to start sorting it out.

Now, I know what you’re thinking: that’s just your opinion, Bitchy, so fuck off. And I say, yeah, but aren’t I meant to be taking total charge? If you don’t like one person steam rollering you and presenting their groundless utterly subjective opinions as if they were a priori truths then get yourself to another sexual sub culture.

Do I seem tense to you?

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