March 17, 2007...2:34 pm
Vanilla Pod People
Apparently, there are not enough real purely-in-it-for-the-screaming female doms. There are a few, but we are not doing domming we are sitting around in our pyjamas tearing pictures of Naveen Andrews out of the TV Guide and doodling magic marker bondage gear all over him. And men are practical creatures. Not enough doms to go around? Well let’s just build some in ’shop.
I have a huge problem with the new-fangled cult of making vanilla women into doms by doing all the washing up and giving them foot rubs and then confusing them with massive amounts of oral sex. Vanilla women shouldn’t feel like they have to whip their husbands and ‘force’ him into wear pink rubber pants just so he will behave like a freaking reasonable human being. Give her foot rubs anyway, you bastards. Do some goddamn housework without sporting an erection and an ulterior motive.
I actually read on one site: ‘Do not ever penetrate her with your penis, unless she requests it.’ Um, that’s not submission, that’s, like, the law.
It’s like a hideous blend of female supremacy, misogyny and uncomfortable shoes. And those are my three least favourite things.
‘Put me in chastity and I’ll give you more cuddles and be more affecionate and attentive and stuff.’ You utter arsehole! Give your lovely vanilla wife, who raises your kids and still loves you even though you are a freaking pervert, cuddles anyway. It makes me weep to think of these poor vanilla women strutting about in thigh boots that don’t fit just because they’re so overwhelmed that it makes their sicko bastard husbands be nice to them.
Don’t make non-kinky people do your kink. It’s not nice. It’s plain rude. Look imagine if I was trying to pull your trick on vanilla guys. Which I admit I have done, but I haven’t started an internet resource site about it (unless you count this one and you’d have to be pretty desperate to think of this vaugely hysterical shit as a resource.)
And I don’t pretend I’m really doing them a favour, because, like, how could I?
Me: So I was thinking we could do some, uh, stuff
Vanilli: What? So you’re kinky? You’re gonna tie me up and suck me off? Cool.
Milli: Um, not quite.
Vanilli: ‘So, what do you want to spank me?
Milli: Um, yes.
Vanilli: Will it hurt?
Milli: Um, yes. Actually, I was kind of hoping you might cry.
Vanilli: What! Well, I don’t think you’re going to be able to spank me that hard.
Milli: Well, I was planning to spank you with this, um, studded paddle.
Vanilli: Holy fucking mother of Jesus! No way!.
Milli: And then I thought maybe you could do all my housework, run me a bath and get me off with your mouth and go home without me so much as looking at your penis.
*
Milli: So I lock this on your penis and then you can’t get an erection.
Vanilli: Okay? Why?
Milli: So you can’t masturbate.
Vanilli: Okay? Why?
Milli: So I control your orgasms
Vanilli: Okay? Why?
Milli: Um, well, it makes you more affectionate. (See, not so much of a selling point this way round is it?)
Vanilli: Ri-ight. And again I say, okay? Why?
Milli: And, um, when I do let you come. About once a fortnight, oh, and by the way, you’ll have to make me come all the time, like at least once a day. On your knees. With your mouth. Until you feel like your tongue is twice the size it ought to be and your body is incapable of producing further fluids. But we can talk about that some more after we’ve got this padlocked on. ‘Cause that’s going be kind of the way you earn your way out of it. And in about three days time you’re going to be really keen on making me happy. So, yeah, I will let you come sometimes, and with lots of teasing until you’re so fucking desperate you’ll promise me anything in return for coming, like going back into the device for another month, and then I’ll let you come and it will be really good.
Vanilli: How good? ‘Cause it’s gonna have to be pretty damn good to…
Milli: *Really* good.
Vanilli: But, like, how much better. Exactly. I mean if I don’t come for three days and then you let me come will it be three times better, because I got glandular fever once and then when I was better I…’
Look, joking aside, the vanilla dom thing: just no. Domming men is hard. It’s fun for me, but that is *because* it is my kink – but it is an expensive kink to cash. And it doesn’t matter how little housework I’d have to do - I wouldn’t dom men if it didn’t turn me on. Because it’s hard. It is fucked up and difficult and rubs all your emotional responses the wrong way. It makes you get up in the night and cry and wonder what the fuck might be wrong with you that when he really screamed like it really hurt it made everything that little bit better. Dommery is not something to cheerfully bestow on another person for your own fucked up thrills. Giving your lovely sweet vanilla wife the gift of getting off hard on hurting you seeing you cry for mercy is not an act of love. It is selfish as fuck.
I mean, really, is no one else disturbed by the concept of men just moulding women into whatever they need to service their kinks and calling that being submissive?
And where does that all leave me? I’ll tell you where. At home with my craft knife trying to make a tiny little duct tape gag for my Naveen Andrews dress-up bondage doll. ‘Cause, you know, I can make my own sex partners too
28 Comments
March 17, 2007 at 4:37 pm
Well, I could have written this if only I could have written this.
I tried to organize my thoughts before commenting, but have given up and will probably return several times with “and ANOTHER thing…..”
(before I forget, kudos on the whole Milli Vanilli thing, sheer brilliance)
‘kay, I’ll start here. Female supremecy ties with Gorean philosophy as the biggest load of horseshit available on the internet (after you count out racial horrors like neo-nazis and the Iraq war and such).
Let’s assume I’m a dominant woman and I think I’m fabulous (which I actually do, most of the time, flaws and all). Now, why on God’s green earth would I want to be with somebody I’m vastly superior to? If I’m fabulous, I want to hook up with the best and under Female Supremecy, I guess that means I should be a lesbian.
Hello, marriage. I’m not your mommy, I’m your wife. I can’t think of anything better to do with my time than make all of your decisions for you, plan your potty breaks, schedule your to do list and of course your orgasms, 24/7.
I see naturally strong women all around me in vanilla world, living in marriages that are either equally power balanced or tilting to the female led. I have no idea what goes on in their bedroom, but I’ll bet dollars to donuts, whatever it is is occuring organically. These men married strong, leadership quality women to start, because that’s who they wanted to be with…
And why the frick aren’t these *supposed* sub males doing at least their share of the housework anyway? I don’t know a couple where the woman does more than the man….most couples I know, it’s the other way around. And these are people I met in the suburbs, for god’s sake, not a D/s group. (I’m quite the lazy princess and do pretty much nothing, but my excuse is that I’m the breadwinner and he stays home with the kids. Plus, I like it that way.)
Disjointedly rantingly yours, E
March 17, 2007 at 4:51 pm
Yeah, the whole idea that by making her dom you are awakening some kind of innate nature. I knew that would piss you right off
I cut this post a lot because it was really long, but there was a lot of stuff about how, if you - mr sub guy - have the time and energy to do so much more for your wife, just bloody do it. It’s housework. It’s hard work. Stop thinking about your cock and get moving.
March 17, 2007 at 5:36 pm
….and ANOTHER thing…
(Okay, first, I apparently dislike Female Supremacy so much I never learned how to spell it. Got it now, shame I didn’t in my first post.)
Another thing: Manipulating people sucks. Sucks. Manipulating your wife or your husband to try to change them really sucks. It’s unbelievably immoral, as immoral as being a Liar, and liars are bottom of the barrel. Cheaters, liars and manipulators.
Hidden agendas suck. Hidden agendas for other people suck more.
How would a marriage with me go, some guy marrying me and then trying to *awaken* the hidden *submissive* female in me? Marry me this way and then try to change me into somebody who runs to the refrigerator to get your beer?
My husband would laugh his ass off at the thought of that poor guy. Why would it be any different the other way around, trying to change some woman who isn’t wired to be domiant?
What are all women the same, just hair color variations of each other? If the Stepford Wives went dominant, they’d still be Stepford wives, for god’s sake.
Supremely yours……………E
March 17, 2007 at 8:05 pm
I tried to do a Stepford Wives joke for the title, but my attempts were all too lame. Not that Vanilla Pod People isn’t fabulous.
People are stupid. If you look up female supremacy on Wikipedia it links you to Surrendered Wife, so you can comare and contrast how people are idiots.
But don’t worry, here, do you want a go with my Naveen Andrews cut out doll?
March 18, 2007 at 1:18 am
Sutton, her clones and fans are just one push the flawed logic to the limit outcome of the sexist tripe popularized by John Gray in his awful Mars and Venus books. Not that the stereotypes weren’t there already but Gray certainly seems to have given the nonsense an extra boost.
I’ve bitched about this stuff on my own blog on and off for years. But it is much nicer to see a woman give it the horse laugh it deserves.
Thanks!
March 18, 2007 at 1:22 am
Dear Bitchy -
To calm myself, I’ve been googling Naveen Andrews. I haven’t done Lost yet, so I’ve missed him.
Hmmmmmmm.
I think you are onto something there……pass the doll.
E
March 18, 2007 at 5:04 am
Ah yes. FWIW, I’ve written about this, too, because there’s something unwholesome about the way that some people approach the subject.
Stealth Submission is one of my rants about this that comes to mind.
I’m not crazy about the Elise Sutton College of Domination, but apparently some people get something out of it. While it perpetuates a stereotype that I’d just as soon see go the way of the Dodo, let’s not forget that some people - for whatever reason - need a model or stereotype to follow. Before you argue, go check how many people are totally into that Gor thing.
And yes, “Pod People” works.
March 18, 2007 at 11:01 am
Hey Richard and Tom, thanks for your words of support. Nice not to feel like a howl in the wind.
And, yeah, that Gor thing… to post about Gor or not to post about Gor?… part of me thinks that snarking about Gor might just be that bit too easy…OTOH, I am a lazy bitch and a cheap laugh is a cheap laugh
March 18, 2007 at 12:56 pm
Hi Bitchy, my name is chance. just want to say thanks for the hilarious reads. i fall into two (at least) of your skewered catagories, smug BDSM couple, and gender confused. i love the feel of silky panties on my bum. i know ‘yech!’, oh well, thanks for making me laugh out loud and pump my fist in the air and yell “right on bitchy”.
chance
March 18, 2007 at 5:25 pm
Thanks for reading and commenting, Chance. Enjoy your silky panties - which don’t distrub me per se so much as the notion that they are, a priori, part of my sex life. Don’t be too smug around me though, or I might start crying.
(I wish you’d flirt with the shift key a little more often though, Chance. A few capital letters in the right places really won’t make your d/s dynamic fall apart. Promise. And they actually help your writing be more intelligable and carry more meaning. See that first sentence in your comment? Took me three goes to figure out what you meant there.)
BJ x
March 18, 2007 at 6:59 pm
i don’t use capitals because i hate capitals. i don’t like they way they look. i don’t like starting every sentence with a capital and sometimes i just forget because i am basically an old stoner who can’t be bothered. i also run on a lot too but am trying to fix that. Don’t read my blog because there aren’t alot of capitals happening. Actually i would love if you read it because then you could see me in some really nice outfits, which i know you love. i’m surprised you are so anal with grammer. Is that a British thing?. It has nothing to do with D/s otherwise i would use a lot more of these ///. i do capitalize Mistress because it looks good. Its all about me. i am after all a submissive.
chance
March 18, 2007 at 7:19 pm
Actually there is one sub guy I know who never uses capitals. And I let him get away with it. So maybe it is okay if you never ever use them. Or maybe I just let him do what he likes because I have a stupid crush on him.
I don’t mind run ons - that’s just the modern way, baby, we all do it.
But your name - sweetie - cap your name
March 18, 2007 at 7:22 pm
Also, where is this blog then? Do your worst
March 18, 2007 at 7:34 pm
no no no not my name. i don’t even capitalize my real name. Like you said “its the modern way baby”, c’mon bitchy be nice.
http://destinyandherpetchance.blogspot.com/
ps. there is a lot there so…well…be nice…please. i feel like such a blog whore. i don’t really do this…honest. really.
Destiny’s Chance
March 18, 2007 at 7:39 pm
You capped your name!
You lower cased mine!
It looks strangely nice like that.
Oh god, I am so malleable. I am a hair’s breadth from coming around to your way of thinking. Which is such a bad quality for a dom. Or a bitch.
March 18, 2007 at 7:51 pm
Hey Elizabeth, responding to your comment waay up there which I just found in spam (it’s only you, by the way, everything else in there seems to be actual spam)
In the last episode of Lost that they showed in the UK, Sayid (played by Mr Andrews) got captured, locked up, chained up, beaten up and then cried. It was a very special moment in my life.
In fact Sayid seems to get tied up and tortured quite often in the show. I am hoping that is because he had it written into his contract.
March 18, 2007 at 8:56 pm
Dear Bitchy -
I know, knew the comment went to spam and figured you would rescue me eventually. (I don’t like needing to be rescued, grrrr.) No pattern. Two different computers and ip addresses, completely random on each.
Lost - oh, my. I had no idea. Everybody kept telling me I had to see it, but I had no idea *that* was what they meant. Maybe that wasn’t what they meant, but it’s moved further up my DVD watch list now.
E
Oh, and a shout out to Chance (chance) - it’s not the silky panties, I like them too and if you appreciate the feel, more power to you (or should that be less power to you).
It’s the blokes who email me unsolicted pictures of their manly parts stuffed in pink silky lace with the expectation that they’ll turn *me* on. It’s pretty ewwwww to find them filed between sales receipts from Amazon and Zappos. That’s all.
March 19, 2007 at 3:03 pm
The way I see it, it all comes down to authenticity. As a submissive, I’m only interested in submitting to people who a) want my submission and b) deserve my submission. While the first point is there choice to make, the second is mine, and only with that kind of balance and active participation can D/s actually be any kind of fun.
That said, I do find the fantasy of female supremacy and the idea of a society where such ideals as those are normal to be very hot. Because why not? It’s my fantasy and I’ll get off on it if I want to! (Well, get aroused by it anyway.
I guess my point is that happiness requires some semblance of acceptance about what reality is like, and that in turn requires an understanding of what the distinctions are between fantasy and reality.
March 19, 2007 at 5:22 pm
The whole concept that any one group of people are ’superior’ to any other group is pretty weird. What does it even mean?
But as for the idea of a fantasy about a society where women are in charge and men are enslaved and bought and sold and controlled and punished, well, I really can’t see the attraction of that at all.
That is, of course, a lie. But, you see, in that fantasy I think it is much hotter if the rules favour women for some abitary reason - not because they are actually superior - and that the men are strong and capable and intelligent and gorgeous. Just horribly, unjustifyably opressed. And, you know, pubically whipped on holidays for entertainment and, um, excuse me…
March 27, 2007 at 9:07 pm
” a society where women are in charge and men are enslaved and bought and sold and controlled and punished, well, I really can’t see the attraction of that at all”
This was a Two Ronnies sketch. Sadly this is not very useful, relevant or in any way sexy. Sorry.
March 27, 2007 at 9:18 pm
I remember it well. Perhaps a little too well.
Damn, but I was starved for enslaved man porn back then.
June 30, 2007 at 4:39 pm
“But as for the idea of a fantasy about a society where women are in charge and men are enslaved and bought and sold and controlled and punished, well, I really can’t see the attraction of that at all.
That is, of course, a lie. But, you see, in that fantasy I think it is much hotter if the rules favour women for some abitary reason - not because they are actually superior - and that the men are strong and capable and intelligent and gorgeous. Just horribly, unjustifyably opressed. And, you know, pubically whipped on holidays for entertainment and, um, excuse me…”
LOL! I love “pubically whipped”!
Sorry, it just seems to be one of those wonderful spellings which are so perfect it isn’t clear if it was an accident or not. I love it.
Thanks
Lubyanka.
June 30, 2007 at 4:41 pm
OMG. No. It is a genuine misspelling. I would never be so deliberately cute.
I was overwrought at the time.
June 30, 2007 at 6:52 pm
Ok, I’ll just enjoy it as a serendipidous, um, keyboard accident, then.
I guess you were just accidentally cute, lol.
Lubyanka.
ps: I hate it when I’m called “cute”, and my slave likes to use that all the time. I’ve managed to train him to say “alluring” instead of “cute”, but somehow he manages to make “alluring” sound like another pronounciation of “cute”, which is bloody annoying, to be honest.
pps: I still love the idea of pubic whipping, even though I am perfectly well aware that it would be quite difficult to make that work in practice. Not that I won’t try, however.
ppps: I hope you’re feeling a bit less overwrought now.
August 18, 2007 at 3:49 am
That picture of Diana Dors in “The Worm That Turned” reminds me a bit of Hermann Goering not an alluring thought.Twas great stuff though with all those uniform clad women chasing after males with crops and things.
Knee boots too.None of those silly thigh boots.How can a woman be dominant if she looks like bambi on ice.
August 21, 2007 at 6:00 am
Mmm, Naveen Andrews bondage bunny. Yum.
I know what you mean about that fear of one’s own enjoyment of others’ pain… (See, I don’t just torture my subs, I also torture my syntax.) I’ve been aware of my submissive/masochistic side for years, but the dominant/sadistic side is just emerging and it kinda scares me. Because in the pure pleasure I feel at that squirming fear in a pretty boy’s eyes as I torture his cock, I can just glimpse, in the distance, the merciless monster hidden in my psychosexual wiring. And it’s not a nice sight.
Bitchy Jones, I love you, you’re frickin’ awesome. Keep it coming. x
September 10, 2007 at 2:26 pm
D’ya think that it’s weird that I am Vanilli in love, and “Milli” when I’m not?
September 11, 2007 at 4:00 pm
?
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