June 15, 2007...12:26 am
Kink Costs: The Real Price of Perversion
I’m such a bitch. Full of random bitterness and bile. I hate so much. I hate kink. I fucking hate it. It can fuck off. Fuck kink. Fuck BDSM. Fuck it in the eye.
It’s all so fucked up. And why wouldn’t it be? Everyone who is kinky is fucked up. You’d have to be. Fucking perverts. This place was built by fucked up people. People who like hurting people. People who like getting hurt. Weirdos.
I hate kink. No. I hate *fetish*.
I hate fetish clothing. (I also go off on one about this more below - I know this because I am psychic.)
I hate fetish art. Misogynistic desexified male-gaze fixated ass-crap. Models in coloured rubber. Male photographers who’ve never *heard* of sexualising men.
I hate fetish shops. All fetish shops sell nothing. Well nothing except fishnet tights, horrid, horrid fashion and the latest issue of Skin Two. Never anything good or fun or interesting. Or (god forbid) sexy.
The clothes are the worst part. They are all expensive and boring (ooh red rubber, how clever you are), and they don’t have anything over a size fourteen.
Fetish clothing manufacturers, let me explain something. Only teenagers are under a size fourteen these days and most people into fetish are not teenagers.
Make some bigger better clothes. But wait! Do not – for the love of god and baby Jesus and all the angels and bunny rabbits – just size up your hideous red rubber creations.
Us – your target demographic – perverts: we’re old and raddled from all the disturbing things we have put our bodies through. Tops have all got one bicep bigger than the other and deeply lined faces from scowling, bottoms have all got dicky knees. We’re all fat from all the over-eating we do to compensate for the freakish hard-to-find fringey sex we’re not getting enough of. So it’s not just about making some larger sizes. It’s about making things that are flattering for actual real life people. Yeah, yeah, form fitting and skimpy may look lovely on the models in the ten quid a pop fucking fetish mags and in the fucking fetish photography (See, *fetish* – blurgh) but how about showing some social responsibility. The evil dress codes of most club nights combined with the clothes that are actually available combined with real people’s bodies make most *fetish* events a nightmare on eye-ache street.
Fetish. It just means crap, horrible, black ‘n’ shiny. (It also means expensive – but I’m getting to that.) Fetish magazines, fetish art, fetish fairs, fetish clubs…
Fetish. It’s really only a couple of syllables away from fuck off.
What gets called ‘the scene’ is really just the fetish-leisure *industry*. And it is an industry - money must change hands. ‘Cause that makes everything all proper. I just wish money would stay where it belongs in kink (- i.e in sexy scenes about financial rape – ZOMG so hot. See earlier.) and not turn kink into some kind of capitalist-stravaganza. In fact, *that’s* why most people in kink are so old and decrepit compared to other sexual sub-cultures. Kink ‘proper’ has a very clear financial barrier to entry.
It’s like punk never fucking happened. (I’m old enough – just about. I was born in 1972.)
Being ‘proper’ kinky – being part of the gang – costs. And from the magazines to the clothes to the equipment to the weekend retreats to the nightclubs, these are fucking expensive orgasms we’re having.
Kink is a competitive sport. In kink you are always getting judged on how ’serious’ you are about it. (Yeah, ’cause it’s so fucking *serious* – that’s why dominants never crack a fucking smile. That needle play scene? Curing fucking cancer.) And in kink what you *spend* is how serious you are. Is how *kinky* you are. How lifestyle.
I hate ‘lifestyle’. More than fetish. If you said fetish lifestyle to me I’d be sick. Lifestyle is such a fucking drag. People from other kinds of off piste sexualities are always trying to convince that their sexual tastes *aren’t* the totality of who they are. Why are we doing the opposite?
Kink *isn’t* a lifestyle. It’s just a fuckstyle.
People who acknowledge that and live and aspire to continue to live their lives with some kind of balance and proportion involved should be revered, not denigrated. Not found wanting next to the 24/7s the in-house-dungeon-owners and the kink-careerists.
More real people? More normal people? More weekend-kinky tourists? We could use them, frankly.
You know? Real people? People with jobs and families and other goddamn commitments. Medical conditions, aging parents, next door neighbours.
People who play lamely once or twice a month with someone they met online.
Not everyone lives in London or New York or Sydney. Not everyone lives in a big city - we’d all starve to death. A lot of kinky people live in desolate wastelands of vanilla and don’t know anyone else who is kinky (or don’t think they do).
If you want to talk to me about community or activism then tell me what’s being done for kinky people on minimum wage, kinky single mothers, kinky farmhands to stop them feeling marginalised. Although I couldn’t tell you what I’ve done for anyone lately. All I do it write a stupid (not-even-very-sexy) sex blog (– but it is still free at the point of need.)
I’m talking about young men growing up alone with deviant desires. Young women who turn away from their own kinkiness because they can’t find anything that isn’t buried deep that doesn’t repel them.
Where do those people go? They come here. Face it, the net has liberated a lot of people when in comes to having access to information about their fringey sexuality and getting to talk to other people who feel the same (– and this counts double treble for women, by the way.)
Yes, the net is also teeming with the worst kind of ill-informed offensive hateful shit. With losers and poseurs and liars. But that doesn’t mean kinky people who use the net are all fucking loser-poseur-liars. Or not as good, or not as real.
The net is cheap and widely available in the developed world. This is not true of most of kink. And most of kink looks down on people who stay behind the screen like they’re doing that because they’re scared or stupid or hideously ugly. (I’ve met plenty of scared, stupid hideously ugly people in real life kink too.)
Yes, it’s an easy option. Why the fuck shouldn’t it be easy for people to explore their non-mainstream sexuality? Isn’t that what we want? Are we really so in love with being rare and special that we want to pull up the drawbridge on people who – give or take a few hour practise with a bullwhip – are just like us. Are us.
Real life kink is a clique full of cliques. There’s no point pretending it isn’t. It’s full of barriers to entry which are mostly financial and geographical. We make a hierarchy of being serious, of being in the right clubs, of being lifestyle, of prohibitive, sexist dress codes. We make judgements based on clothes, equipment, involvement with the scene, with the community.
We say we’re keeping out tourists, vanillas, creeps. Perhaps these are just people who are new to kink. Perhaps these are just poor people (where you live is often a function of what you earn). Perhaps, face it, these are submissive men who spent all their money on pro-sessions. That doesn’t make them creeps. They made the wrong choices.
Which means, like it or not, the net is our outreach programme. We need to pay a lot more attention to what people find there.
38 Comments
June 15, 2007 at 1:52 am
I’m such a bitch. Full or random bitterness and bile.
Yes, we’ve been meaning to talk to you about that.
the net is our outreach programme. We need to pay a lot more attention to what people find there.
Case in point…
*ahem*
Let me take a moment to point out that in this respect, “kink” or more specifically “fetish” is pretty much like every other hobby or interest out there - that is, in every hobby group I’ve ever known, from computers to gaming to woodworking to cars to glass collecting there are the cliques, and there are the poseurs, and there are those who tend to pick on newbies, or make life miserable for those that don’t quite fit in.
Ever show up at a biker group at which all the guys are riding Harleys? On your Honda?
BeeJay, what you’re describing could easily apply to hundreds, if not thousands of other groups. Your local Goth/Fetish club wants you to show up in environmentally friendly latex, but you’re wearing jeans and a Banana Republic T shirt. You’re railing against what you call the “fetish culture” but it’s really just a characteristic (if not a failing) of human nature.
By all means, rant away, though. When you’re done, perhaps you could talk to the tides. Or try to convince me to actually do some yard work - it’d be just as effective.
Better still, get together with
a few old, fatsome of your fetish compatriots and design your own line of “mature” fet-wear. I’d wear it, if it sexed me up a bit.June 15, 2007 at 4:56 am
oh, let me hook you up with some fun links
http://www.frugaldomme.com/
June 15, 2007 at 4:57 am
hmmm don’t know why the other wouldn’t post - but htere it is
http://www.torrid.com
June 15, 2007 at 8:36 am
Tom’s point is well taken. Still, you’re right to howl, BJ. You’re right to criticize a lot of what’s going on.
From what I’ve noticed the “scene” I know is just the tip of the iceberg: for every public party or get-together, there are lots of couples quietly doing their own thing at home, never having contact with others. They’re not in it to compete or to impress anyone. They’re the Silent (and invisible) Majority (the SM SM
Maybe they don’t come out of the woodwork because of the things you described.
Fetish dress code is prohibitive in many ways, Black Code is a compromise (if you have to have a code at all…). I believe in personal freedom but the price is risking to find a crew of guys in dingy Heineken tees, baggy Hawaiian print shorts and fluorescent plastic flipflops (yeah all right call me a snob). On the other hand, once a guy showed up at a public party in a long cape, very *fantasy* dress code: we later discovered it was very useful for his furtive masturbation.
So how would you like it to be?
June 15, 2007 at 4:06 pm
“Being ‘proper’ kinky – being part of the gang – costs. And from the magazines to the clothes to the equipment to the weekend retreats to the nightclubs, these are fucking expensive orgasms we’re having.”
–Tell me about it! I’ve always wanted to wear a corset to a scene, but a good one will run you at least $400 American. I go into a fetish shop and sometimes can’t find one thing suitable and cheap enough to whip people with. No I’m not paying $200 for a poorly constructed–too small for my breasts–outfit. I have to travel an hour away to a good fetish shop, as all there are around my location are vanilla sex shops with some flimsy bondage kits. The outfits they want Mistress/Femdoms/Female Tops, etc to fit into remind me of stripper outfits: they are only designed to fit the male gaze. Fuck your gaze guys! Put me in something *I* feel sexy in! Yeah, I’m too fat, too short, too heavy chested for your red latex torture device.
Frankly I’m offended by Tom’s suggestion. I’ll get together with some old, fat BDSMers anyday. It’s better than some out-of-touch rich kid giving up in the middle of a scene because he’s too scared to hurt me anymore, or some detached, cold loner ignoring my safeword. Older people, as you’ve stated before, have more experience, more refining, more human connections behind them, and that makes them sexier because it makes them more empathetic. And starved women make me want to hold them and feed them, not fuck them.
Like you said, young people really can’t afford the top-notch stuff most of the time, but much of that stuff is sexy, and we constantly are reminded how nice it would be to play with it. Case in point: a St. Andrew’s Cross. I can’t afford it and probably never will. But I’m not going to some munch so I can borrow one from Master Pretentious, or some dominatrix so I can pay someone to do something she doesn’t really want to do.
“What gets called ‘the scene’ is really just the fetish-leisure *industry*. And it is an industry - money must change hands. ‘Cause that makes everything all proper.”
Right. It’s like, if you’re vanilla all you have to pay for is protection and possibly birth control. But if you want to be S&M don’t use that everyday belt, it’s so crude and not a sacred ritual item. You have to buy a strap, separate and for way more $$$ than it’s worth.
I make nothing. I’m just starting out. I’m not paying for the privilege of enjoying my sexuality. I hate feeling like I’m too poor to have sex, like I have no leather pride because I don’t wear wrists and ankle cuffs to the gay pride parade.
Grrr.
Thank you.
June 15, 2007 at 4:44 pm
Perfect!You really hit the target,Bitchy and I totally imagine you arriving in your Honda to a place full of sheep riding Harleys.
Personally,I think the 24/7 is a pathetic thing ,created by and for people who didn’t manage to have success in any other area of their lives.And of course all those trying to make money from BDSM will tell ,in order to live your sexuality correctly,you need to do as they told you to. I see no difference here and those male/female magazines dictating how you should take your sex life.
And that’s really fucking absurd,because no one needs a corset/long jacket/whatever to live what is their sexuality!I’m not saying I do not like corsets,I do;I spend some money with doms,too ,and I like to have my kinky stuff…but that’s not what makes what I’m. It’s not only the point BDSM “lifestyle” is expensive,but the fact is utterly useless,most of the times!
The simply idea I belong to a community due to my sexual tastes is ridiculous;the idea my sexual tastes aren’t enough to belong to such community and that I must buy ugly clothing made of petroleum sub-products in order to be a full member is not only pathetic,but it’s also pure manipulation!
But this is your blog,so I’ll rant against the concept of BDSM “community” to another place.
June 15, 2007 at 5:33 pm
Any time that we have an interest in something that is shared with/by others, we create a de facto community. We can choose to spend a lot of time interacting with others in that community, or not. When the community develops rules and rituals, we can choose to adopt them - or not.
I hang out with a bunch of younger guys who are into gaming. One night they set up a Live Action Role Play, and I was amazed at the elaborate costumes and paraphernalia that some of the members brought along. There was some obvious “cliquing” going on, and you could tell which people put the most time, money, and spare-time energy into the gaming. My point is that every subculture creates its own protocols for social interaction, and that includes dress, equipment, and slang. Why would the local BDSM/Goth/Fetish clubs be any different? And more importantly, who is it really hurting here? You can’t rant and rail about the overpriced outfits if you really prefer not to wear them in the first place.
And after re-reading BJ and the comments, I am getting the impression that your anger is mis-directed; instead of being angry at the local scene, you might actually be more upset that there is not an alternative scene that would be more comfortable. That is you’re not angry about the scene itself, but about those who seem to be controlling it and making up these arbitrary rules.
Coq - relax, I meant no offense; I was simply trying to be cute. But I stand by my suggestion: Instead of ranting about the young, size-2 Goths in their pretend outfits, maybe it would be better to get together with some fellow BDSMers and create a line of fetish gear that’s more functional.
Likewise, maybe you could approach those in the scene who also complain about not fitting in, and form your own club. In the US, most large cities have several “munch” groups, many of which had splintered off from other groups that had gotten too big or too top heavy (no pun intended).
June 15, 2007 at 7:05 pm
I design and then make my own stuff most of the time - of course I’m not really that kinky and am stuck being over weight with no money in the middle of the countryside with just hubby and a few electronic friends to play with - sigh.
Not really sure I have a point here - wanders away a bit dreamily.
June 15, 2007 at 7:07 pm
LOL…I adore your rants. Can’t speak for the UK clubs. But from the Midwestern US…I can tell you that some of the best players I know, I’ve never seen in anything but a t-shirt and jeans. The players know who the players are…and they are seldom covered head to toe in fetish-wear.
Also not a size 14, I’ve got a couple of hard-found fetish and lingerie items that are reasonably flattering…and covered in dust. Nobody looks good naked after they peel themselves out of a leather corset…and who WANTS to throw a flogger dressed head to toe in uncomfortable sweaty gear and crippling heels?
Besides…my experience so far has been that the kind of men looking for porn stars make lousy submissives…they are too busy directing the specifics of their personal fetishes. The truly submissive ones are looking for a WOMAN they can respect, not a shoe.
And for all my manic early toy-buying. I can accomplish just as much–wearing nothing but a wicked smile and a comfy t-shirt–with a whisper, my bare hands, a set of clover clamps, and $2 worth of clothespins, than with a thousand dollars worth of leather gear and garb.
So, if my bag ever goes up in flames…somebody grab that yummy yummy knife…oohh…and the strap-on harness that actually fits my body. Everything else can go.
June 15, 2007 at 7:49 pm
Here’s a post I wrote ages ago about not fitting in with the kink - not sure if you’re allowed to do this so feel free to delete me!
http://www.vampyra.me.uk/?p=87
I just thought it was sort of relavent thats all - sneaks off to hide.
June 15, 2007 at 8:29 pm
Like Sheryn, I’m in the vast Midwest of the US, and have noticed that, among the kinky people I’ve spent time with, “fetish wear” rarely makes an appearance. Femdoms, particularly, don’t go in for the latex/PVC/rubber clothing. (Hell, do you know how overheated I would get if I were flogging someone while I was wearing a non-breathable fabric? I would get heat stroke and pass out. Nothing sexy about that. Er, for me.)
I think that kinky folk who care about what they’re DOING tend to not give a shit about what they (and others) are WEARING.
June 15, 2007 at 11:44 pm
I don’t think it’s specific to kink; all sexuality is a great commercial ratrace, even the most vanilla sort. Most people seem willing to pay to label their sexual identity; it’s the most personal of brands, so I guess it’s easy to con people into believing that it’s worth their money. Maybe it makes some people feel more adequate, or more comfortable with their chosen manner of sexual behaviour (you’re right, the word ‘lifestyle’ sucks, but it kinda cuts linguistic corners), or maybe they’re just not so creative, or prefer to pay to share a collective ‘culture’ rather than finding their own way around. Look at the whole makeup/fashion/romance novels claptrap - I think sexuality as a whole is crap, misogynistic and full of pretentiousness.
June 16, 2007 at 7:29 am
All interesting thoughts here. Like so many BJ posts, I usually have to come back a few times before I’m ready to comment….except the hot and sexy ones where I start typing as fast as I can to blurt out my own perversions. : )
I’ve never looked at the kink scene as belonging to me. I can’t even imagine an alternate universe where I would have fallen into a crowd of friends who could talk me into going, “just this one time, here, you can borrow my outfit and I’ll lend you some apparatus”. (This *did* work on me for the vanilla club scene although at most only a handful of times before I said fuck that, you guys go ahead, that is just not for me.)
I also don’t show up at Harry Potter movie premieres dressed in costume…which doesn’t mean I don’t appreciate the enthusiasm and effort folks do put into it, just not for me.
Although I’ve spent my share of dollars at Blowfish, my favorite sex toys or play objects are from the kitchen or the clothes closet….that is just sexier to me, the ordinary object turned to something it was never intended for. A gazillion years or nearly a lifetime ago, when I did “play dates”, there was this guy who had made canes for me out of a trip to Home Depot that afternoon. *That* was sexy and hot to me, much sexier than handing me a package to open from Canes ‘R Us, with pretty price tags and certified “kinky”.
Organic works for me, but it’s hard to make a club out of that, which is why the attention is elsewhere. Making a club for people who don’t do clubs is like trying to start a Procrastinator Society meeting on time. Or something.
But talking about it helps. It was just a handful of months ago, really, that I thought I was the only one……
thanks, E
June 16, 2007 at 7:38 am
I’ve not been too bang on replying to these comments because I’m not that clear what my point is with this one.
Maybe that too many people are alienated, or too much emphasis is put on expensive, time consuming activities, or maybe just internets - yay.
I’m really glad everyone read and commented. And talked about canes
BJx
June 16, 2007 at 1:50 pm
I’ve not been too bang on replying to these comments because I’m not that clear what my point is with this one.
And this would be different from half of your other rants.
Oh my, look at the time - 9:30, and it’s a nice day for slavin’ out in the fields…
Maybe that too many people are alienated, or too much emphasis is put on expensive, time consuming activities, or maybe just internets - yay.
I’d also venture to say that some folks buy expensive gear because they can afford to. Yeah, I know - “Well, duh!” - but we overlook this as a reason. Nice things cost more money, and if you have disposable income, then what’s the problem?
I would also imagine that people who notice such nice things make an assumption that people who can or will invest that kind if money are more “serious” about it, and therefore more “correct”. That is one of those ridiculous things about human nature - some of us never get past the surface appearances.
But it’s not totally unwarranted, either. People who take a serious interest in something do tend to invest more time, energy, and money into those pursuits. You could easily bind my arms with nylon webbing from the dollar store, but those $75 leather manacles from the Stockroom add a certain je ne sais quoi to a scene.
June 16, 2007 at 2:03 pm
I’m not tying you up with anything until you’ve done whatever it is you are meant to be doing in that field - that I will admit I am hazy on.
Toiling.
Yes. I need to leave your hands free for toiling. Shame that leaves you able to type.
June 16, 2007 at 2:13 pm
Toiling, yes, that’s it. Like, in a few minutes I’ll fire up the heavy weed trimmer. Then after that I’ll toil in the hot sun for about 70 minutes, riding my lawn tractor over the grass. Then I’ll drag my tired, beaten body in for a cool glass of lemonade… er, that will only have half the sugar so as not to enjoy it too much.
June 16, 2007 at 2:24 pm
all i can say once again is - that you are absolutely right. the net is revolution, it should be used well.
June 16, 2007 at 5:38 pm
Viva la revolution, I say.
Cliques are cliques are cliques, and that will never change. But having options for which clique you want to be a part of is a big deal, and Bitchy is right: the “scene” does not give you that kind of choice. At least, it didn’t five years ago in New York when I was the only 18 year old you could find in the 5 major “support groups.” And why the fuck do they call themselves support groups anyway? It’s not like what I wanted to do was sit around in a circle and *talk* all the time.
But Tom brings up good points. I don’t like a lot of people out there, but I would never begrudge them their One True Way if that’s what they want, nor would I attempt to convince them otherwise, because I hate it when they do that to me.
I like my scene because it’s got my friends in it. We *can* have two groups of kinky people and we don’t all have to get along that well in the end. That’s okay by me.
June 16, 2007 at 5:47 pm
Thanks May. I would like to add that you live in *New* *York* - and if you find the scene lacking sometimes then, really, WTF must it be like for people who live in one horse towns and don’t even begin to have the option of moving.
June 16, 2007 at 11:47 pm
“I’m such a bitch. Full of random bitterness and bile. I hate so much. I hate kink. I fucking hate it. It can fuck off. Fuck kink. Fuck BDSM. Fuck it in the eye.
It’s all so fucked up. And why wouldn’t it be? Everyone who is kinky is fucked up. You’d have to be. Fucking perverts. This place was built by fucked up people. People who like hurting people. People who like getting hurt. Weirdos.”
Damn B.J. you really need someone to take you out for a cup of tea….
I’m free Tuesday.
June 17, 2007 at 1:59 am
I love it when you rant, and as a rural / small-town dweller, I agree fully… the net is what makes it possible to learn and experiment.
June 18, 2007 at 3:15 am
I also love it when you rant. It’s a new fetish for me! I’m a rural person too and confess to never having bought an item of fetish clothing in my life. You don’t need any of that shit. BDSM doesn’t have to be about fashion.
As for fetishes I’ve discovered you can turn anything into a fetish and I’ve managed to choose the cheaper variety wherever possible.
You can go a long way with a hair brush, a piece of dowling, some polypipe and a piece of rope.
June 18, 2007 at 4:01 pm
I’ve found a lot of assumptions in either direction.
I’ve been size 8 and I’ve been size 14 at events. I’ve worn full rubber and I’ve worn black gauchos and a silk blouse from Marshall’s and bare feet to do scenes.
I’m as “real” a person and not a teenager when skinny as I am when less skinny, when dressed up in a way that I find hot whether it entertains my fetishes or not. (Some people actually DO have fetishes for things like rubber, tightlacing, high heels, gloves etc. and should not be made fun of for deciding NOT to go the Fleet Farm/ Tack Shop / Walmart DIY route)
In some ways, you are right, it’s all massively stupid and decadent the way having cars, taking vacations or everyone having multiple cell phones is - but it’s not any MORE screwed up than the rest of postindustrial capitalism just because there is a component around sexuality and identity either. I chafe at the idea that people with non-mainstream sexuality somehow have to buck all the other messed up qualities of the culture they live in. But it’s good to read another thinking postpunk’s musings on it all.
Let’s also look at some of the pricing for things that people see as “ridiculous” - the reason the corset is over $400 (I’ve found some stunning ones from single producers for 200 up) is because it was usually not made by slaves in the third world (slaves in the uncool context, folks) unlike most of the things we own. The reason the event is expensive doesn’t elude me either - what other subculture gets pissy when its educational opportunities aren’t free? The people who I’ve traveled and paid hotel fare to learn from have put in time and sweat and energy to gain a skill base and deserve to be compensated for sharing it and are hardly ever adequately compensated as it is.
You can interrogate just as easily why sex is business - period. Why people pay exceptional sums to effectively masturbate, whatever that might entail. I don’t know why - but I encounter the diversity of human imagination as I wonder and talk talk talk some more.
June 18, 2007 at 4:17 pm
I would have taken this all so much more seriously if I hadn’t misread your name as ‘Ms Stern’ .
But anyway - I don’t think prices are artificially inflated, you don’t have to reassure me about that - in fact I don’t care. What I care about if a lot of people on low incomes not being about to afford to part of their own sexual sub-culture.
And, as someone else pointed out to me after reading this, the real trouble with black n shiny is that it will still be festering in some landfill when the dinosaurs come back
June 18, 2007 at 4:36 pm
I didn’t think a moniker would invalidate a point one way or another. I also play and live in the Midwest and I think maybe there’s a larger working class contingent in most of the circles I’m in - self included. Dunno.
June 18, 2007 at 4:46 pm
So here’s the thing. In a lot of places spending a lot of money of fetish gear is an indicator of how ’serious’ you are. I’m just railing against is notion,.
Course you buy that stuff if you want (and the people who make it can charge what they want), but if you don’t want to or can’t afford to that should be okay too.
I see a lot of stuff justifying dress codes by saying ‘we want to keep away crowds of men in Hawaiian shirts’ this just pisses me off. Maybe these guys can’t afford an all in one gimp suit.
June 18, 2007 at 6:27 pm
Don’t think I’ve ever seen a post with which I agreed more whole-heartedly. This pains my Troll soul. There’s nothing to seize upon and snark.
as
June 20, 2007 at 4:27 am
I know, I’m incredibly spoiled. That doesn’t mean the scene’s still not lacking sometimes. I feel sympathetic for people in one horse towns, but I don’t see why there should be any reason of resigning oneself to a life of restless sexual frustration even if the only apparently willing living thing in 50 miles is that one horse.
Also, making the scene a better place in New York City is eventually going to have positive consequences elsewhere. You were the one who told me to be patient.
But I’m spoiled, remember? Maybe I need to be taught a lesson. I’m thinking a farmer boy and that horse…. With the horse’s consent, of course.
June 20, 2007 at 8:27 am
You make the world a better place
June 20, 2007 at 11:22 am
Brava, Bitchy! I LOVE your refreshing cynicism about the whole puffed-up, pretentious alternative sex scene. I’m a mtf tg, and the last thing I want to do with my Saturday night is spend it at some stupid fetish club with the “bdsm lifestyle” crowd. Lethally boring. I get invitations to that shit all the time and I always decline. I go to “vanilla” bars populated by ordinary people to drink, dance, and flirt with cute guys. Many of my girlfriends are scared to death of going where I go, and would rather melt into a herd of lifestylers. So who’s more adventurous? Who’s kinkier? Wonderful blog, Bitchy.
June 20, 2007 at 11:35 am
Thank you.
That’s a really interesting point. I’m all for integration.
June 20, 2007 at 12:36 pm
I should have added that when I go out to my favorite “vanilla” clubs I wear dresses and accessories often purchased for pennies at thrift stores and and consignment shops, and I still look sensational! Rubber and PVC look silly and they make me all sticky and sweaty.
June 20, 2007 at 2:06 pm
I feel sympathetic for people in one horse towns,
Wow, some towns get a whole horse?
Lucky, spoiled bastards.
June 20, 2007 at 9:34 pm
Only if your in the town :/
August 1, 2007 at 6:52 pm
Damn, we have such a great scene here in Denver. I never knew it was so sucky elsewhere. We have two clubs (that I know of) - a larger one and a smaller one. No dress codes except for the very occasional fancy party. Just normal people, newbies welcomed and instructed, some snacks and drinks, and a big dimly lit room full of furniture you can connect people up to, or drape them over, for convenience in beating and whatnot. You can watch or participate as you are willing or able. Or go sit in the other room and talk about Harry Potter or whatever.
October 22, 2007 at 10:58 pm
It’s worth pointing out that the most notorious and well-known incident of BDSM in the UK didn’t happen in London. Nor did the next most prominent, for that matter. (Spanner and Doncaster Bottom Branding, for those who care).
But (and follow closely) there exist some people for whom the dress-up is either the whole point or a nifty aperitif. And the fact that some folks can’t afford the outfits that other can is no more relevant than the fact that some folks can’t afford a car, let alone a Mercedes.
January 30, 2008 at 12:46 am
Yup, the net is a transition phase for newcomers who may base their decisions as to levels of entry into the scene upon that and the way the net is, it probably puts them off.
The social “logistics” are messed up.
“So here’s the thing. In a lot of places spending a lot of money of fetish gear is an indicator of how ’serious’ you are. I’m just railing against is notion”
Vanilla person 1: “Hey check this out, Ive got a Golden condom with diamond rib”
Vanilla person 2: “Sheeat! Ive only got a £3 pack of “arousers” (lol) from the pub toilets but at least I know how to………………………..fuck
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