Reading this, I wanted to cry.

I am a 21 year old Domme woman just discovering the “scene” this past year or so. I can’t even tell you how much a toll this sort of thing has taken on my entire LIFE–and the lives of my compatriots. That I thought, “Yes, finally, a sexuality that will let me take what I want…Oh shit I have to wear this? What the fuck is this shit?” And suddenly I found myself getting sucked into this idea of high-boots-tight-dress MALE-GAZE-SPECTACLE while my mind was going WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG and my stomach felt like it was going to abandon ship.

I am with a wonderful male submissive right now who is torn between his fantasy of latex-clad shiny women and his slow realization that that sort of thing has nothing to do with dominance.

But to break down that kind of idea? It wears me out. It gives me a headache. And yes, it wants me to pound my fists and scream “GIVE MY BACK MY SEXUALITY”. I am tired of feeling stomped on because I am female, and having this, the one “counterculture” thing, be just as bastardized as everything else as what the woman can do for the man…it hurts. It stings. It stomps on me–and us–some more.

I have found a house of much older–and I think more cynical–Doms and Dommes that come to play parties in their t-shirts and jeans. I like to think of it as the house of “We’re Too Old To Care About the Stupid Shit Anymore”. I am younger than most of the children of the people at this house.

The Mistress of the house does not wear big boots, or shiny things. She is not what people would consider Barbie-beautiful. She is missing teeth, she smokes, she doesn’t give two fucks. Sometimes she Dommes in a nightshirt. But when you see the joy that she has in taking the skin off someone’s back with a singletail, and the way she carries herself–nightshirt and all–there is no doubt in my (or anyone else’s) mind that she is Dominant. And THAT, to me, is what this should be about. She is herself, expressing her sexuality in the way that is HERS, rather than trying to conform to something that causes forced-submission to culture all over again.

I have rambled on quite a bit, so I’ll just end with–Thank you. Thank you for this blog, and for your links to others. It has really helped me start the journey to understand and differentiate between what it is that I want versus what I’m supposed to want and be.

In my small experience of the BDSM world is the pro-doms being outed by the tabloid journos that seems to be the flavour of the month over here.

For the titillation of their readers..

whatever..

Do you understand what a job is? I don’t get to call myself ‘Sunshine’ at my job either.

Jeebuz, what’s all this red stuff on my t shirt. Woah! My heart – it is bleeding

I’m just evil like that.

Recently,I kinda felt in love with a dom ( who has a gf/submissive that likes to treat him by Master and Him…etc). He’s hot…as in,OMG,he’s hot: tall,athletic, long ginger hair, grey eyes. He’s sadistic,too.

I’m a masochist.Not a submissve.And I’m a woman…I forgot to add,lol.

So,this man. I studied him for long and I made the first step.Basically, I’m seducing him and,yeah…he kinda behaves like a domme Rapunzel,but the male version.There’s been 3 months and I’ve been more or less promised a flogging for being insolent…but I think that’s a carrot he uses to keep me,the donkey,interested.

I like dominant men and,for me,he didn’t lose his dominance for being a male Rapunzel. Yes,I suffer with that,but I like seducing, I like having an active part.

And,as I said,he’s hot…I hate this,but I considered submitting just due to his hotness. I changed my mind about submitting,but…his beauty does leave me weak on my knees.

I like those femdom sites as much as you,I find most doms annoying and pretending they have an intelligent and educated speech,but is is that bad to recognize power in beauty?

We all have our beauty,and when we make it shine,when we care about ourselves,shouldn’t that be liked by those that like us?

I know you feel like an unicorn,but I feel like something so un-existent there isn’t even a mythological creature to represent me.I’m not reducing this man to his physical beauty,but,fuck,when he dresses like a medieval warrior ,I do have cerebral orgasms. Of course,with only his beauty and an usual mandom speech,he would be an idiot,but his beauty is important.

Really,is it so dominance diminishing the fact someone kinks on how hot you’re?

I have a side problem. What of the attractive woman who is pushed, prodded and begged to wear super boots and shiny goodies, when all she wants is to be naked and in control?

What about when a man decides that since you are pretty, you must jump right into his fantasies yet you never said anything about wanting to domme him?

This. This is my entire fucked-up slow-motion train-wreck of a pseudo-kink love-life in two sentances.

I’m pretty far in terms of sexual styles from you yourself, BJ. You, hetrosexual, female Dom. Me, homosexual male Dom.

So the Dom part fits, but still.

Because I’m not 6′4″ brutally muscular, perfectly clean shaven, and the ultimate diety of all things masculine, I don’t deserve that beautiful man I see standing over there. Whether anyone else thinks he’s beautiful or not, he won’t have me, because there’s someone prettier, taller, stronger than I am.

Why is this subculture so fucked up? I mean, fucked up can be good, but only in a sweaty-screaming-hairpulling-chained kind of way. Not in an emotionally painful wreck kind of way.

It’s like someone’s taken a work of art, cut it up into thousands of tiny little jigsaw pieces and then told me to put it back together – blindfolded. I remember what it looks like, and I know how beautiful it is … but I can’t seem to do anything to restore it to that.

It’s good to know I’m not the only one who feels like this. Even if it sucks that more than one person is like this.

And, by the way? Your writing is amazing.

MOST real people I’ve met who are into BDSM look like they’re heading for a Whitesnake reunion concert or work in accounting . . . or both. The biggest surprise for me at the few LARGE bdsm events I’ve attended is how painfully plain all the people look, and, how the most creative, devious, and experienced tops always got the most attention, regardless of how far removed their appearance was from what you see on leathertits.com.

John Preston, who wrote Mr. Benson, among other gay leather smut-novels, once commented that the most notorious gay tops didn’t have to be pretty because their experience and abilities were so unique, and their personalities were so powerful. However, wannabe subs with little or no experience were often of value ONLY if they were attractive.

I know, it would be silly for me to imply that any one group are totally clean and shiny.

I was just saying that according some of the Pro Dommes on this thread they come across as holding subs as more responsible for the inequalities a bit like they are a kind of social dustbin to these kind of Pro’s. I think I was just trying to point out the irony of this seeing as the whole F/m deal is often said to be due to the sort of social mores of this kind originally anyway.

A bit like a man f***ing a woman up the a** while the woman f***’s a male sub up the ass with a strap-on in a kind of cultural puppet 3 some.

As for it not being a political act I understand that in a sense that its just Dominating men for money if looking at it void of detail other than the business principals.

I was talking more about the perspective of the Pros on here who seem to take the job up for political reasons such as where they talk about becoming a Pro because of the patriarchy they percieve.

I sometimes think its a sort of self fulfilling prophecy in which many sit at whatever point according to how they feel about it as a passengar.