Unicornucopia or Why Are All Dominant Women Such Fucking Ass-hats?

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You think I’ve gone soft now I’m in a squishy place with my stable stable of men? Think a-fucking-gain. Everything’s still fucked.

Sometimes I shout at submissive men (you might have noticed). Sometimes I tell them to make everything better. Sometimes I say that they have the money, the power, the hard bodies that they could stop spoiling with frillies. They could fix everything.

And I still say do it, you dirty sexy studs. Go on – fix femdom for me. I’ll slap you round the face later. Promise.

Anyway, sometimes – after one of my informative lectures of this nature - one of my creative consultants comes up to me afterwards to put a towel round my neck and hold a bucket for me to spit into and says,

- That was great, Beej, but next round you have to spank the women?
- I don’t spank women anymore. They don’t have nice scratchy faces. Oh, baby, I love them scratchy faces… And erections…
- Yeah, but, hang on, stop thinking about erections for a minute, Beej. Focus. You know what I mean. Spank the women.
- Yeah, okay, but I do, but I spank the prodoms all the time. I have a specially big stick for them. They love it.
- Yeah, Beej, we’ve kind of noticed you spank prodoms a bit, in fact we’ve been worrying if there might be some kind of Freudian…, forget that, look, don’t you think it’s time to spank the amateurs?
- What the lifestylers? The natural dominant women? The bitches who give it away for free? The unicorns?
- Yeah
- You’re so right. Those bitches have got it coming.

For serious, what’s up with dominant women? I don’t mean me, of course, I’m perfectly splendid. I mean the rest of you.

One day, talking to a famous, gorgeous celebrity-submissive man I know, I said, ‘god, I’m glad I don’t date dominant women, there are only, like, three sane ones.’

And he said, ‘there are three, are you sure?’

I may have counted myself twice. And I’m not even sure if that was an entirely fair assessment.

Look around you. Oh god, dominant women make me so depressed.

Pompous self-important fucking, eurgh. Seriously if there is one thing, just one, I could wipe out of femdom forever it wouldn’t be feminisation or strap ons or the beauty myth, it would be pompous fucking female dominasties. Really and truly. Skin. Crawl.

It’s just fucking embarrassing.

I know that when men say to me, ‘god, you’re so hot’, what they actually mean is ‘god, you’re a dominant woman who does not at first glance appear to be a batshit insane, manipulative, exploitative, ego maniacal bitch’.

I was never a pretty girl. I did not learn to deal with male attention when I was young. I started being a dominant woman when I was about 23. Suddenly having sexual cache when your ideas of your sexual value (and, really, your complete worth as a woman at that age) seemed pretty fixed – is odd.

This kind of male attention, undeserved, unexpected can be hard to deal with without going a little mad. Without becoming a little strange. Personally I think that is why a lot of dom women are a little, um, well, you know, the way they are. Suddenly getting a bunch of attention and nummies you never worked for can make anyone go a little crackpot dictator.

But the thing about free nummies, is that they come in a bundle with the fear that they are going to be taken away someday.

Dominant woman practically clad in armor of fucking arrogance. Never admitting any weakness, never being wrong or foolish or silly or wanting a super-hard super-long fuck that makes them all wet with sweat and noodle-floppy.

Calling themselves ridiculous best-in-show type names like lady and princess and goddess and flip-chart.

Seriously, we can use the mandom-normality-gauge for this one. Is femdom stupid? – convert it into mandom and have a look: A male dom calling himself Lord Geoffrey, or Prince Raymond or God Percy. Would that be stupid. Yes it would. See? We’re being stupid.

Stupid and arrogant and pompous and eurgh. Like we’re so fucking special.

Not just ordinary women. (’Cause – ew, how could them bitches enslave men?)

I hate the fucking uber-femininity. Of it. The fucking corsetry. Or, really, the dragged-up pastichey femininity. I hate the fucking mystique. After the fake hair and fake tits and fake sexualities of the pros this is the second female stereotype of femdom. The sensitive dom. The *sensual* woman. Sorry. Not woman. The *lady*.

Princess, Goddess, Lady. It’s never gender neutral is it?

I get that it’s a reaction in a way. A reaction to the stupid fucking prodom shit. It’s a way of not being the sneery, dreary, never cheery cardboard cut out Miss Pain. Or it’s a reaction to the idea that mandom is the norm. Or that violence is male. Either way, can we say ‘over compensating’?

Also too many dom women over emphasise their femininity because deep down they think being sexually dom isn’t very feminine thing to do.

You know what I mean…But, just, please no with the goddessesiness and the gauze and the candles (we have electricity now, candles are for one thing and one thing only and you *know* what that is – get a fucking dimmer switch and stop being a hazard) and the tinkly wind chimey mysteriousity. It’s women hitting men with stuff. It’s not a Meatloaf video.

I hit men to get off but I can still be a lady. I hate the word lady. And I really hate the word ’sensual’ too ’cause like who isn’t sensual? A deaf, blind anosmiac who has no taste or nerve endings?

But it doesn’t end there with the fucked-up-ness of dominant women, does it?

Uber-femme. Arrogant femininity like a super power is first…

… And then they get hold of the shift key. And next thing you know they’re just a bash of the caps lock away from this. Again, I do satire.

There is no excuse for inventing a form of grammar to try and make out you (or – even worse - your entire gender) are *actually* *superior* to other people, rather than just being turned on by pretending you are while fucking.

We don’t need this shit. We don’t need to be anything more than men and women wired for fun. She’s just an ordinary woman – not a jet powered goddess – he’s just and ordinary man – not a pathetic bag of shit-eating slime.

A man can get on his knees in front of a woman. No previous purchase required. Just that. Just them. Why is this so scary?

Me? I’m a real woman – not a semi-mythical creature. Me. As is. There is nothing particularly special or exotic about me. I don’t float six inches above the ground. And I love real men. You know, other humans. Made of flesh and full of fucked up desires. Just like me. Just as strange as I am.

I’m tired of this shame spiralling. I’m tired of us not treating each other right. If we can’t accept that no matter how sexy inequity is we need to discuss things as equals outside of the fuckabout. We need to strip it down to the humanity.

What do you really think? Deep down. Is a dom’s life worth more than a sub’s?

Down from the pedestals, out of the gutter. If we want equality. If we want femdom to be equal with mandom, if we want kink to be equal with vanilla, whatever… we’ve got to stop acting like pompous tits and worthless gits.

Deep breath – this is big – here is my message to all dominant women: Being turned on by being superior is not the same as actually *being* superior.

IS THAT SO HARD TO UNDER-FUCKING-STAND?

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