You Too Can Be a Professional Asshat

Jump to Comments

I *was* surfing for something fun to do with Jack. But I was already getting tired of reading about Mr Sir’s suggestions of piss ice lollies etcetera and primed and mildly irritated when I stumbled upon this.

And I’m reading it and thinking how fucking annoying it is. And then I remember – oh yuh, this is why I started Bitchy Jones’s Diary. Maybe I should write about it.

And you know, I see this kind of stuff all the time on prodom’s paysite-enticement splash-pages – but this is presented as education (although what it is teaching is not clear.) And this is not okay. This is not education. It is lies and confusion and CAPSLOCK.

I have very, very grey opinions of the people who are held aloft as kink spokespersons anyway. But everyone’s heard of Gloria Brame and her PhD and her book. These articles aren’t by her, but they are on her site as a resource. There is a ‘not my opinions‘ disclaimer – but, oh damn, look at this stuff.

Or don’t. Don’t read the whole thing. It’s every value of stupid.

It’s by someone called Domina Zan Misery (yes, really) and someone else is involved called The Marquesa. God damn - I really could not have made that one up. MISTRESS LASH is the limit of my satire skills. The Marquesa? Fuckshit. Is the phrase ‘Kill me now‘ overused yet? Kill me now.

The first article (there are two – we’re spoiled) is called

EVERYTHING YOU EVER WANTED TO KNOW ABOUT PROFESSIONAL DOMINATION
by Domina Zan Misery

And part one is called

EXPLAINING THE DOMINA’S ALLURE

Oh. The allure. Yes, what is it that attracts submissive men to dominant women? Please enlighten me. It is so fucking mysterious.

Of course a gorgeous latex clad Woman towering over you in six inch heels may bring you to your knees with Her beauty

Oh, okay. This stuff.

There are apparently 8 types of SM/Fetish Fantasy. Good to know.

Bondage, Discipline, Training , Crossdressing, Infantilism, Role-play scenarios (including Medical Scenes), Torture, and Body Worship (Non-oral-genital.)

It’s as clean cut as that. And no one needs to worry if torture really needs its own category or if cross dressing or infantilism might in fact be *kinds* of role play. Or if, you know, it might *all* be kinds of role play. ‘Cause, you know, it isn’t *real*. It is all pretending.

And why is infantilism on this list. Sure, it exists. It’s a weird fetish. But this isn’t a list of weird fetishes this is a list of the 8 kinds of BDSM. Is one eighth of BDSM infantilism? That seems, well, unlikely.

The Marquesa, and I, Domina Zan Misery, are Professional Dominatrices , Sensual Sadists, and Lifestyle Mistresses.

It’s rare to get so much that is so wrong combined in one sentence – but that there is a masterwork. Where to begin: Marquesa! Domina! Dominatrices! Lifestyle Mistresses! (What even is that? Do you never drop the bitch-face? Who would really want to be a Lifestyle Mistress? Especially as it’s your job too. Take a day off once in a while, Chuckles. Wear some comfy shoes.)

“Green Mistress”, means, ‘Please continue exactly what You are doing, it feels great.’

Green, Mistress! That is just funny. Sorry it is. Also, what is wrong with saying ‘Oh my god that feels great.‘ I know a little bit of play with codes is sometimes good for role play, but saying ‘green, mistress‘ instead of saying ‘Uh. Fuck.’ Well, cuh.

Both the Dominant and the submissive can use safewords. If the masochist loses the ability to judge their safety in the heat of a whipping scene, the Sadist must recognise when to call “Yellow”.

Or you could just stop doing the whipping. You know, just a thought, rather than start talking on code to someone who’s gone a bit wah-wah.

I’m not the best person to talk to about safe words. (I think Jack has just noticed he doesn’t have one.) But surely a dom doesn’t need to use her own safe word to make herself stop whipping someone. That is lunar-crazy.

Mistress Poison has a client who has a fetish for rubber rain boots, and a raincoat on the Mistress.

Mistress Poison? Nice. Classy.

There are four types of bondage; Hard, Soft, Humiliating, and self-restraint

Another list. Great. Four types of bondage, you say? Glad that is clear.

And apparently Forced Feminisation comes under humiliating bondage. Um, what? Could you clarify what the fuck you are talking about.

Humiliating bondage often includes “forced” feminization with the sub being restrained with a corset, high heels, a wig and makeup. (Dominas in corsets and thigh-high lace-up stiletto boots are also in bondage, but are not humiliated. I can get uncomfortable in heels after a few hours, but I feel and look very powerful when I am wearing my fetish gear.

Huh? Dominoes *are* in bondage, but are *not* humiliated. Oh noes, ’cause getting paid for doing slutty goth dress up is *in* *no* *way* humiliating.

And, for serious, the point where she starts talking about how she switches in real life whilst still using the fucking CAPSLOCK PROTOCOL!

One of my favourite thing about switching and switches is that they defuse all that *crap* about dominant people and submissive people actually being different *kinds* of people, to the extend that they language needs to be reformed to reflect this. But I guess that is lost on Chuckles.

Ah, now the hitting men with stuff section. Ooh, apparently some stuff goes thump and some goes sting. If Bitchy Jones is wielding it, it often goes ‘oh, fuck, hang on darling, that one doesn’t count‘ – but let’s not dwell on my failings. We’d be here forever. Anyway – let’s talk about other people’s failings. It’s more fun.

Marks, scarring, or bleeding is optional

Yeah, er, Chuckles? It’s actually *all* optional. You know that SSC thing you keep trotting out. Um, yeah.

Then there’s training. It gets a bit surreal here. There are, apparently 7 types of ‘training’

There are (mainly) 7 different training methods; submissive, maid, slave, slut, toilet, dog or equestrian training.

That list, of course, isn’t arbitrary at all (why is ‘submissive‘ separate? is ‘dog and equestrian‘ one or two? Why not ‘canine and equestrian‘ or ‘dog and horse‘? Asshat).

And I’m not at all sad that she missed out my favourites: pig boy training, hole-digging training and pirate training.

Really, the world needs more submissive pirates.

Luckily ’submissive’ training does include being training how to run a bath for Mistress. Yes. Trained!

1. Turn on taps
2. When bath is full, turn off taps

Slut training is simply being a shameless, vulgar harlot. It often means throwing your ego out the window and being a complete trollop. This includes body language, clothing, makeup, and sexual knowledge. Most slut training involves men crossdressing as whores and behaving as such.

Arrrgh! Just WTF? Also, crossdressing as *whores*? Does Chuckles not see the fucking irony in this? Seriously, why don’t you just refine the process right down and have the guy humiliate himself by dressing up as a prodom and performing whatever ridiculous outré sexual services his mistress role playing as a “client” can dream up and present as submission. Fuck’s sake!

For the extremely perverse; ‘Roman Showers’, are to be gifted with your Mistress’s vomit.

Okay, sure, this is rare and we’ll stay away from the sheer ew, gross, WTF and instead ask, How submissive is it really to pay another person to throw up for your kinky indulgence?

Some people enjoy training because they need very strict rules on how to live, and have difficulty with self- discipline

Oh please, submissives have trouble with self discipline. Oh fuck! I fucking hate that shit. Yez, subs are weak and need glorious doms to tell them how to live ’cause they don’t have no brains in their pretty ickle heads.

Fuck you. Seriously. Fuck you with a glass ladle.

As a Professional Dominatrix, I can torture someone quite safely and consensually.

Of course, as am amdom, I am both dangerous and a rapist.

Many of My clients crave extreme pain. Being a Sadist, I enjoy giving it to them… Many drops of hot wax followed by a bucket of ice-cold water can be fun, too.

Whee! Sadism is fun

Some people like to “live on the edge”, and this can be done safely with a Professional Dominatrix.

Or, you know, dangerously with me. Also, on the edge of what? Sanity?

A few Dominatrices allow their clientele the intimacy of “oral servitude”. Myself, and any other Dominas affiliated with the Labyrinth do not service our clients with oral-genital skin-to-skin “body worship”. We permit our gentlemen to adore our spiritual presence and physical body in a manner which is clean, legal, safe, and in keeping with the proper etiquette of a Mistress/submissive relationship.

Ack, so, okay. Skin-to-skin contact is not “in keeping” with the proper etiquette of a Mistress/submissive relationship. Shit.

And to accentuate this point there is then another whole article about whether or not prodoms should have sex with their clients. Not, seems to be the conclusion.

I thought that was just a legal reach around. Not that I know. I have never sat down and looked into the legalities of prodommery. I haven’t looked into the legalities of lion taming either. Not lately.

There is some crap about the legals. And some more crap about not catching STDs. You know who else says don’t have sex because sex is so disease ridden?

But then:

The biggest reason to not have an intimate sexual Dominant/submissive relationship, is because such an interaction is fundamentally against the principals of a Dominant Woman’s and a submissive males’ exchange of power. Professional Doms are the Untouchable Goddess to sub. males.( The literal meaning of the term “Dominatrix” is Queen.)

Firstly, Dominatrix doesn’t mean queen. That hasn’t become true since you last said it.

Secondly, fuck you. Why don’t I get the sex? I am too superior for sex! That fucking sucks!

There is a whole thing around dominant women not having sex, or kissing, or being sexual, or alive, or fired by real passion. And that stuff comes from pros - and pros put it about to get around providing dick-stiffening services that are not sex oh noes.

And that’s what annoys me, the whole blithe fucking it up for the rest of us.

I don’t really care how you make a living. I happen think sex is nice and I like giving it away. It makes me happy. I got my sexay for free. I pass it on. But I do believe people own their own bodies and can do what they like with them - up to the point where they start screwing up other people lives.

Then they ought to stop.

By the nature of sex, men cannot look up to a Woman who lowers Herself to his level for physical sexual gratification. Men equate sex with power and penetration, and Women generally equate sex with vulnerability and emotional and physical surrender, by the fact that men put their penises inside a Woman’s vagina (or mouth, or anus) and inside Her body. A man naturally feels he has to be in control in most sexual exchanges, and if a man is truly submissive, he should want to give the power and control to a Superior Dominant Woman.

That Bitchy Jones, she’s so mean to poor defenceless prodoms. Prodoms have no power or say and WTF have they ever done to her?

Fuckshitasshatcrap

70 Comments

Filed under I hate men, I is an genius, Jack, MISTRESS LASH, bdsm, beauty, boot fetish, cock, cock sucking, dom, dominatrix, everything is broken, fake dominatrixes, fashion, femdom, feminisation, feminism, fetish, honourifics, horrible scary femdoms, how to be a sadistic bitch, humanitarianism, humiliation, kink, kinky sexism, kissing, masculinity, minions of satan, misery, sadism, sex, sex work, shooting fish, the femdom demographic issue, the made up truth