Perverted Sex: A Useful Glossary

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Just print this post out and keep it on hand to save the embarrassment of ignorance whenever you are having perverted sex

Femdom: (a) A kind of perverted sex where women boss men around. It’s kind of an ugly word for a very lovely thing.

Sometimes this word is kind of necessary though, for example in the phrase ‘all of femdom has been broken by stupid men and asshat women they were paying to do extra fucking up of everything they didn’t have time for themselves.’

(b) Also used to mean the woman actually wearing the bossy boots. Pretty much exclusively a woman who is bossing around a man.

Mandom: Like femdom but the other way round. For example: (a) Gor (b) man in leather waistcoat and goatee beard.

Gor: A fantastical, ultra-butch, mandom, survivalist adventure playground – sorta planet of the mandoms. Supa-stupid and very, very hot if you flip the roles so the women are on top and the men are getting whipped furiously – much hotter than any attempt at femdoms in space. All fun and high jinks except for where it is spoiled by men who have masturbated over it so much they think we should remake the world in its image.

Sub and dom (and domme): A sub (short for submissive) is a person who gets turned on by playing at being low status during perverted sex. A dom (short for dominant) is a person who gets turned on by playing at being high status during sex.

A domme is a female dom - pointless additional category for people who think we should be warned if a dominant person is - OMG female - with a stupidly frilly word. Mostly gender specifications like this occur when the idea of a person of that sex doing that thing is so fucking OMG – male nurse, lady doctor. Other than being sexist fucking arse-crap it has no other purpose. Unless you are playing scrabble.

Dominatrix: A dominant women. The Latinate feminine of dominator - or something. Why this archaic ‘trix’ form persists in this word uniquely in the whole of modern English is at first glance mysterious, until you remember that dominant women are so *fucking* *classy* that Latin is practically their second language.

Also – see above re gendered words. Bletch.

Prodom: (also prodomme, pro domme, professional dominatrix, professional pompous fucking asshat.) A woman who does dominatrixing for money. The only kind of dominant woman allowed to exist in mainstream/vanilla media. A highly over-subscribed profession due to its general vague glamorisation as a source of free money.

Amdom: A bitch who gives dominatrixing away for free like some kind of crazy fule.

Dominixtrix: A slightly amusing mispronunciation of dominatrix that I have become rather fond of.

Dominatrixing: Doing dominatrix stuff

Domina/Dominatrice/Dominanana: Pointless fucking noise

Top and bottom: People who do subbing and domming stuff but not in a submissive or dominant way. They hit people/get hit and tie people/get tied but they don’t really enjoy it. They just do it for the exercise or something.

Whatever, but, no matter how much context you have these words always sound ambiguous. Anyone saying ‘I’m a top’ or ‘I’m a bottom’ deserves the response, ‘You’re a what?’.

‘Hi, I’m Timothy and this is my bottom, Francesca.’

Mistress: A word that, if it ever had any erotic potential, has been completely destroyed by the femdom destroying triptych of femdom porn, prodoms and porn-drunk submissive men who write about their SO on their blogs like this, ‘Mistress said we should go to the shops.’ Mistress is not her fucking name. Stop wanking and remember she’s a human-fucking-being.

Master: Master is kind of less pompous and assy than Mistress. Some women call themselves Master – but that just seems kind of stupid. It seems just as stupid to masculinise yourself as to over emphasise the fact you are a woman. All of femdom is so screwy with gender.

Course a lot of mandoms use the title ‘Master’. It’s a common kind of thing. And by common I mean both frequently occurring and a little vulgar. A lot of mandoms are wankers. So I like to imagine their second names are Bator. I just imagine this in my head, though. I do not like confrontation.

Honourifics: Stupid ass titles – lady, milady, duchess, evil overlady of the mostest evil empire - femdoms give themselves so you tell what asshats they are.

Goddess: The most stupid honourific – coveys a nasty untouchable, sacred, not-getting-fucked-hard vibe

Male: God, god, god! What is wrong with people? Male is not a noun. It is an adjective. You are not a submissive male, you are a submissive man or a submissive male human. Or perhaps a submissive male gorilla – which would be sort of hot.

Female: Similarly I am a dominant woman not a fucking dominant female. I am sick of reading men’s opinions about ‘females’ – what, you can’t type women? Your keyboard missing the W?

BDSM: This stands for bondage and discipline and domination and submission and sadism and masochism. This is obviously stupid as there are not enough letters and it is hard to understand and it is a horrible ugly string of consonants that sounds like an electronics company.

The BDSM emblem: A three part yin-yang symbol that looks like 3 slugs having sex (the slugs represent subs, doms and switches), and that unimaginative people with no sense of aesthetics sometimes get tattooed onto themselves. Seriously, if you are getting a tattoo get something that looks nice. Like my initials. I {heart} BJ would look good on any bicep.

FUCKING CAPS LOCK PROTOCOL/SHIFT KEY ABUSE: Some people like to use capital letters to show how fucking dominant they are. The first thing you might notice when you encounter such a person is that the word dominant is written with a capital letter at the start and submissive with a lower case later. This is the first sign you should start backing away slowly.

Next we see pronouns like He, She and You capped up when they refer to a dominant person and capped down for submissive people. ‘i am so submissive’. Firstly, it’s hideous and secondly it’s stupid - only stupid people do this because they they are missing the point that people read by skimming the text for significant capitalised key words. That is why stuff written like this makes you feel weird when you read it.

Bondage: A over complicated way of stopping another person moving about - skill in which is the source of about 48% or all dom boasting. Sometimes the various ways of tying someone up get called by Japanese names because non-western cultures are more exotic and therefore cooler and making out Japanese people are all into weird/perverted/exotica sex is the kind of casual racism that never gets called in kinkland. And probably a lot of places too.

Dom boasting: Because dominant sexuality is so fucking fragile a lot of dominant people spend a lot of time boasting about how good they are at tying people up, doing whips, doing electrics or sounds, how much fucking *stuff* they have. How many Japanese words they know for bondaging. How well equipped their dungeons are. How long they have been doing perverted sex. Etcetera, etcetera, et-fucking-cetera. Like there are only allowed to be so many doms in the world and we are all competing for those valuable places on the over-sub-scribed dom bus to pervert sex nirvana.

The Femdom Demographic Issue: The lie that there are way more male submissives than female dominants. Good for business if you are a prodom. This lie is big player in the spoiling of all of femdom.

Tributes: What dominatrixes call the money and other consumer goods men give them in exchange for perverted sex

Leather: Sometimes perverted sex is called leathersex. This is bad news for vegans and also for cows. Leather clothes are stupid and if you need any more proof remembers that without leather we would have no leather waistcoats and leather waistcoats are what Master Bator wears.

Fucking corsets: Corset were designed to oppress women via clothing. Nowadays they are trumpeted by asshat dominant women as empowering ‘cause they make you look so beayootiful men go all weak at the knees. I am not sure how much perverted sex you get done when he is weak at the knees and you have passed out from lack of oxygen to the brain. Being able to breathe is kind of nice.

Thigh boots: Being able to bend at the knee is also nice. It’s a design feature of legs. Thigh boots are for fancy dress.

High Heels: High heels are kind of interesting. I hate them – but I’ll still let them be interesting. Female submissive often wear them because they are uncomfortable and the super high ones are practically bondage. Dominatrixes often wear them because they are associated with feminine beauty. But like so much stuff about feminine beauty they are about vulnerability. And vulnerable women don’t look very dominant to me.

They also hurt. All kinds. All feet. They are not nice. If you want your legs to look longer – try stilts. If you want to be taller – try standing on a box.

Ballet Boots: These are really high shoes with the foot held en pointe like a ballerina. You can’t actually walk in these. Unless you can. In which case you won’t be able to walk at all later in life.

Ballet Bots: Robotic ballerinas

Buffy Bot: That was a great episode of Buffy where they had a Buffy bot. I wish they had made an Angel bot. And then Angel had had sex with the Angel bot. I love David Boreanaz. If someone would make a clone of him I’d accept that as a damn tribute. I wish there was cloning in real life. Or bots.

Fucking Machines: On kink dot com they have a famous site that is all about women getting fucked by mechanical cocks. I find this crazyhot. I think on kink dot com you are meant to see the women as submissive and sort of overpowered by the machines – but I just see it as a fun way to potentially spend an afternoon. I don’t know why the women are usually tied up – what being fucked is so horrid you might wander off? Asshats.

Kink dot com: A porn site that has a bunch of kinky stuff with a fucking beautiful decaying-opulence aesthetic that somehow manages to just dodge giving me the kind of porn I want over and over. They have many different sites including Men in Pain that constantly enrages me with the way they dress the women and what they have them say and the fact that up until very recently their fucking ident was a woman doing a guy with a strap on (that’s not pain, motherfuckers – being fucked up the arse feels *amazing*). Kink dot com also have The Training of O which is my absolute all time perfect website except it is mandom/femsub.

If The Training of O trained a man – just once – I would give kink dot com my house. Well, maybe not my house, but I would give them a biscuit. A nice biscuit. Cream filled.

Polyamory: Having two boyfriends. Well, maybe it’s more complicated than that - having sexual/emotional relationships with more than one person. Having two boyfriends.

The internet: A bunch of computers connected together by phones. Good for finding other people to have perverted sex with as you have the whole universe to pick from. You would think this fact would also mean there would be some okay porn on there for dominant women, what with the whole universe thing. You’d be thinking fucking wrong.

Making porn out of coconuts: Practically the only solution to the problem above. Or would be if it were possible to make porn out of coconuts. The only things you can make out of coconuts is the sound of horse’s hooves and Thai green curry.

Handcuffs: What there is for people who don’t tie good knots

Velcro handcuffs: What there is for people who don’t tie good knots or care whether he can actually escape or not.

Fluffy handcuffs: A stupid pointless thing that has no sane reason to exist anywhere in the universe.

Handcuffs lined with sandpaper: Something I invented and may take on Dragon’s Den

Dragon’s Den: A UK TV show where rich people are given the chance to invest in stupid inventions.

Watersports: Pissing around with piss. How annoyed must wind surfers and pedalo enthusiasts be that perverted people have taken the name of their hobby to mean sex + urine?

It’s not even very accurate. I mean, surely, the whole point is that it *isn’t* water. How far do you think you’d get menacingly threatening to make a man drink nothing but – OMG – *water* for an entire day. Not very far is my guess. Unless he was an alcoholic.

Also, really hard to see quite how it’s a sport. How do you win? I like winning things.

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