November 15, 2007...1:44 am
There isn’t a box for whether or not I’ve ever fucked myself in my own vagina
I am watching the DVD of Harry Potter and the Order of Phoenix. (Blood-quill-lines-writing-scene could have been longer. Still. ‘I must not tell lies’. Guh, slightly.) Pan is reading The Ethical Slut. A situation which needs no further comment.
Pan has a proud boast.
- There’s a chart in this book of all the sex things you might ever want to do and I’ve done them all
- You have? Oh, well yeah, I suppose, you have sucked a cock and had your cock sucked and fucked me up the arse and been fucked up the arse and well, everything
- Yeah. Well, except I haven’t been fucked in the cunt.
- Well, I’ve never had my cock sucked. Oh, well, unless you count wearing a strap on and having someone suck that. Do strap ons count?
- Of course they do. That’s how I got fucked up the arse
- Well then I’ve done everything. Oh, actually, I’ve never fucked anyone in the cunt
- You haven’t?
- No. Actually.
- But you could. Theoretically. You have an unfair advantage as you can have a fake cock but I can’t have a fake cunt.
- Actually I wouldn’t really call that any kind of advantage you know because…
- Yeah, alright Beej, don’t start preaching your gospel. You’re not some kind of prophet of femdom, you know.
- Killjoy. I suppose a Fleshlight is a bit like a fake cunt. Well, exactly like a fake cunt.
- Do you think if I leant Jack my Fleshlight that would count as being fucked in the vagina?
- Er. Well. If that would count, you’ve fucked your Fleshlight yourself plenty of times. Doesn’t that count as being fucked in the vagina?
- But that’s me doing it. I mean, there’s no box for whether or not I’ve ever fucked myself in my own vagina
- I know, what if you stuck your Fleshlight between your legs and I fucked you with a strap on. That would tick of the last boxes for both of us.
- We could… But it’s hard to see how either of us would be getting any pleasure from that.
- Yeah. Well. In fact, actually, why bother with the pantomime. Go fetch your Fleshlight and I’ll shove a dildo in it and that’ll be that.
- You are suggesting we stick a fake cock into a fake cunt and call that a sexual act just for the sake of completism. That would make an entire mockery of the system, of this book, of sexuality itself.
And if you’re wondering how I feel about strap on sex these days – this is about the page I’m on. (Which is page 104 in The Ethical Slut.)
22 Comments
November 15, 2007 at 1:50 am
Ow, ow, ow, ow! You’re making my head hurt!
November 15, 2007 at 2:53 am
Oh god, I love you and your twisted sense of humor.
November 15, 2007 at 4:08 am
Heh, my screen is full of spittle, you cruel, evil woman.
I find Fleshlights hot - and especially when there is a (real, mind) hard cock thrusting in and out of them. Mmm…
I know, I am weird.
November 15, 2007 at 4:12 am
I just laughed so hard I cried a little.
Now you’re going to want to scratch your eyes out, but I have to share a link about fake cunts.
November 15, 2007 at 9:21 am
One of these days I’m going to learn not to drink and read your blog at the same time.
November 15, 2007 at 10:37 am
I have seen those fake cunts before. I don’t understand them. I mean the Fleshlight has a massive tube out the back of it. That doesn’t. How do they work? I mean, most of my vagina is on the inside of me. Where does it go?
(Vile and disturbing as it is - I have to admit a natural curiosity.)
November 15, 2007 at 1:17 pm
Where does your vagina go or the fake one? Or the stuff that goes in the fake one? That second might be vile and disgusting? maybe.
November 15, 2007 at 3:10 pm
That link by Calico, made me think of the passage in American Psycho, where the lunatic described the 3 vaginas he had sliced out of victims and had them in his gym locker. Why would any man want to wear a fake cunt? Also, can you ask Pan what it feels like to fuck a fleshlight, I mean if you have access to a real woman, why bother? Does he use it much or is it like one of those things people buy of shopping TV networks and just gathers dust in the cupboard?
November 15, 2007 at 4:36 pm
Eee! So funny. I love conversations that end up in strange places.
May has a Fleshlight, which he apparently used much, much more before I came along and started telling him when and how to masturbate. I think he likes that it spins. And I admit, I have been tempted to stick dildos in it upon occasion.
And now, now we have this weird fake cunt that he got from Eden Fantasies, that looks to my mind like a chicken carcass with a vagina attached to the front of it. It is wobbly, and freaks me out.
At least you didn’t default to the horrible, fucked-up language of calling his ass a “man-pussy.” I know, you would never do that. That would, like, make your house explode.
November 15, 2007 at 4:51 pm
It would make something explode.
Pan uses his Fleshlight, um, everyday, I think. He’s away tonight and I’d be very surprised if he hasn’t got it with him.
November 16, 2007 at 5:58 am
That was hilarious.
How do you wash a fleshlight anyway?
The dishwasher seems practical, but somewhat tactless, especially when living with roomates as I am.
November 16, 2007 at 6:15 am
I don’t think the dishwasher would be such a good idea for many reasons.
The soft part comes out and I think he just runs it under the tap. Although, I don’t pay all that much attention
November 16, 2007 at 8:02 am
Finally I’m up to date - has been great reading, thanks
Tho my net settings don’t show pictures anymore, the number of times I’ve been caught out by your header image when family members have walked into the room..
November 16, 2007 at 12:24 pm
This. Is. Hysterical.
Where’s Bacchus? This is his kind of material.
November 16, 2007 at 6:11 pm
Every time I see the subject line, I think “hurr hurr, box”.
Anyway. Um. Yeah. So I have the humor of a 12-year-old. What of it?
November 16, 2007 at 6:16 pm
You think ‘hurr hurr, box’ and yet the subject line contains the word *vagina*!
November 16, 2007 at 10:31 pm
“Every time I see the subject line, I think “hurr hurr, box”.”
Yeah, you think you’ve got it bad. I used to work as a bicycle mechanic with my own toolbox, and oh the jokes we had. Where is my wrench? Is it in my box? hur hur hur…..
November 16, 2007 at 10:37 pm
Yeah….the especially amusing thing (to me) is that you could say “there isn’t a box for whether or not I’ve ever fucked myself in my own box” but the other two possibilities (vagina…box, vagina….vagina) don’t even carry, like, English meaning.
November 17, 2007 at 12:06 am
There is something for every attachable part these days. I just found out that I can attach a penis I can pee in if I’m on the road sometime. That is kinda exciting!
November 17, 2007 at 12:52 am
I can’t stop laughing - but all I can visulise are those real doll things!
November 18, 2007 at 5:05 am
Note to Self:
Do not ingest mouthful of scaldingly hot butternut squash soup and then casually saunter over to see what “that BJ” is up to. Just….don’t.
I love the title.
Although it exacted a penalty,
March 30, 2008 at 6:30 am
My boyfriend loves his fleshlight, but I don’t, as it looks pretty dirty to me even after washing it.
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