Orgasm Control and Male Chastity Stuff and Why That’s Fun

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In 1999 – when I was 26 - I first got the internet and went looking for porn. I am – for the most part – still looking. Nice F/m porn where he suffers and the people directing it accept that some people might want to see him centre frame – still not happening anywhere near enough.

But back then there was (there still is) Altairboy’s famous chastity site.

Some people, I know, read this blog because they like my jolly ranting and might not know that much about the kinky world I rage about. These people might be a little mystified by orgasm control. Trust me, you are not alone. I started to write a post about it only to discover that I am pretty mystified myself.

But here, to the best of my limited clumsy word-wrangling abilities, are the basics.

Along with all the other crazy larks of femdom is a thing called orgasm control. Also, and far too often, called orgasm denial. Like a lot of stuff in femdom by far the most vocal voices are those of the men who kink for it. Men who like the idea of being restrained and controlled and owned and brutalised, like the idea of not being allowed to come. By, well, I have to say it, by Mistress.

And like a lot of other things in femdom it has been stuffed full of shit, fantasised to death. It’s all about brutal devices and men not getting to come for years or forever, when the sneering she-devil locks him into a chastity belt (Yep – you can buy them) fills the padlock with super glue and cackles manically. All this wank fantasified with no thought given as to why the fuck any woman would ever do this. Render a cock completely useless! Forever! What do these mysterious motiveless women do for an encore? Drape fabric over piano legs and ceremonially burn dildos I imagine. (I can be rather imaginative.) They are part of the dominatrixes are the enemy of sex school. And we say no to the idea that being sexually dominant means not getting to be fucked.

There is the idea that if a man gets his cock into a woman he somehow wins,so a dominant woman can never let the guy fuck her. Damnit even celebrity blogging prodom Mistress Matisse says:

But, in general, if you do sex with pro dom work, the submissive loses his focus and it blurs the power dynamic, especially in a male submissive/female dominant situation. Plus there’s that small matter of it being illegal, but that’s really not the main reason, since it’s also extremely rare for me to have sex with submissives in a personal (meaning: they aren’t paying me) situation.

(Also, can I just say, ahem – where is *my* Wikipedia entry please? Call yourselves Beej fans!)

And along with that idea lurks a similar idea that maybe if a man comes he wins. Like somehow if the man comes the woman is automatically demeaned.

Like all this talk about how awful it is that men want to come on women’s faces and the criticism of that talk. Like anything, sure that can be demeaning in context. It can also be fun. It is obviously wrong to do something like that to a person if they don’t want you to. But, hell, it is wrong to kiss someone if they don’t want you to and I don’t see masses of articles online about how awful it is people want to kiss on first dates ‘cause there is all this kissing in the media.

Now, orgasm denial fans and facial decriers and dominant women should never have sex claimers, here’s something you might want to know. Seeing someone you love, like or just find hot, come is fucking nice. I love to see men come. There is gay porn that is just guys jerking off and it is the hottest fucking thing.

The phenomenon of women ‘faking it’ kind of exists because men like to see women come. Why wouldn’t women enjoy men coming. It’s wonderful. Like fireworks night.

In a way, not coming isn’t really submissive as selfish.

Well, it is actually way more complicated than that. But the basic point is that there is nothing intrinsically submissive about not coming, anymore than there is about not fucking.

It is only submissive if the person you are submitting to wants it. Gets off on it. Fuck, how basic is that.

And I do. Get off on it, that is. Orgasm control does have something very lovely deep in there under all the crap. Suffering. Sacrifice. Which is why, even though I love men coming, even though it is covered in offensive crap, I still fucking love orgasm control.

It’s like all the other stuff in femdom. Like a man on his knees, in pain, is hot when you clear away all the frilly knickers and housework fetishisation and stupid fucking nonsense about submitting to awe inspiring beauty and heel height.

And like other stuff in femdom an attempt has been made to sell it to women not because it turns us on (real dominant women don’t exist, remember) but because of all the fringe benefits. With orgasm control that means affection.

Yeah. That crap. Women don’t want sex they just want affection. Can’t we just cuddle? So slap him in a CB and he’ll be nice to you for a change.

It’s not even true. No man I have ever stopped from coming has become for affectionate. Turned on – yes. Frustrated – yes. Obsessed with sex – yes. Affectionate – no. And if that was the main result I wouldn’t fucking do it would I?

Christ the anti sex, anti women, anti women liking having sex bollocks that fuels this crap. All this crap.

Why not persuade women to get into orgasm control because they might find male suffering and frustration hot. I know that means you would have to clean it up a bit. But goddam. It just so is. Hot. Hot enough that they would even forego the goddamn fucking fun of seeing him come, of feeling him come, of watching him lick his own come up off her face, to enjoy the desperate squirming.

Of saying to him, like I said to Jack last week: You don’t get to come because you’re for sex. For me. For me to enjoy. And I want you to be hard when I want you hard. And to fuck me for as long as I want. You don’t get to come because this isn’t about you, it’s about me. And I like your cock to be hard. All the time. No matter how you might feel about that.

I said all that. I still let him come quite a lot over Xmas though, because when he comes it is hot. When I deny him I’m denied too. I suffer to. I wait and anticipate. It’s like unresolved sexual tension in a TV show. It’s like that whole Lacanian thing about desiring something being more pleasurable than receiving it. Yep, for me as well. One of the reasons I really like switches is that I don’t think there is actually much difference between being the sub and being the dom.

Orgasm control then is many twisted freaky things but it is not and never ever will be about making him more affectionate. Or making him do chores. Or be nice. I don’t know, maybe I have ridiculously over inflated self esteem or something but I tend to have sex with men that do those things anyway – not in the vague hope of an orgasm.

I do it because I like it. It turns me on. I find it hot. And that’s why, if you do it for me, it’s submission.

Of course orgasm control fills me with all the same doubt and angst as doing any other mean stuff for my own gratification does. Jack must hate me, my internal doubter wails (I really ought to sack her), I don’t let him come and he likes to come. He said so – last time I made him beg to be able to come.

The other downside of orgasm control – aside from my own nuttery – is that it is not really very compatible with poly. ‘Cause, you see, Pan has a girlfriend these days, which is all very much for the happy. But it would seem rather bizarre and inappropriate to use a CB on him now. And Pan never went in for orgasm control by because I said so.

Jack, on the other hand, well we have a pretty good because I said so type thing.

But Jack’s poly too. Of course he is. How else would it work? In fact, Jack did point out almost-casually the other day that I never mention just how very well he does with the women. One week Jack had sex with women who were born on three different continents. He’s very sexy - it’s quite unsurprising.

So the rules are necessarily muddy with Jack and my control of his orgasms. First we decided I should have control but he could come if he was having sex with someone else. Then that seemed weird, like he might have sex for other reasons - wanting to come rather than just wanting to. Even though he probably wouldn’t. But it felt weird to me to think that I might be involved in his sex life with other people. ‘Cause the fact that I’m not is kind of the point for me. (This is why we dismissed the ‘other person has to ask me permission to let him come’ idea. Hot , yes – but Jack an I don’t have a dynamic that is anything like that.)

Then we kind of did a thing where if Jack had a date he didn’t do any orgasm control on that day, which was okay, but weirdly Jack’s main lucky streak with women seemed to coincide with us stopping the orgasm control for a while.

Now we have a system best described as I trust Jack to make decisions that make sense. So we are doing orgasm control by and large. Except when we’re not. And he knows when that is in ways that make sense.

And the fact that Jack can make these decisions just as well as I can is really one of the reasons why this all works so well. But orgasm control does rely quite heavily on mutual consent. Exploit that right and you don’t need a chastity device or even any explicit rules. Jack can beg to come over the phone (I don’t quite mean that how it sounds) one night and get his cock sucked by someone I’ve never met the next.

Because it is his cock. And I’m happy with that fair minded assessment of the reality of the situation..

I never was that woman with an army of glorious male wonders in chastity waiting for her cool handed manicured touch.

And I almost never envy her.

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