I’m not here to make men better. I don’t care enough. I’m not here to initiate any kind of self improvement programmes. I’m not here to nag men into being better human beings.
I’m not here to help anyone lose weight or buff up or learn to tap dance.
And I’m really not here to be resented. I can invent enough stories about how he secretly hates me without giving myself real fuel for that fire.
I don’t want to be thought of as a nag.
I don’t mean that the behaviour often labeled nagging is bad. I know that quite a lot of normal female self assertiveness gets undermined by being called nagging. The very word ‘nagging’ is meant for undermining women. And so hey, guess what, it can fuck off out of my kink.
On prodoms websites that they often list under the different scenarios they do – along with corrupt policewoman, abrupt school marm, leatherclad ice princess-vixen and iceclad princess leather-vixen and princessclad leather ice-vixen – is often nagging girlfriend.
Nagging girlfriend!
When did being dominant equate to nagging, exactly? Isn’t nagging all about disempowerment?
I don’t – unsurprisingly – like to be thought of as naggy. I like to be thought of as dazzlingly witty and filthy. I don’t want to be this grr, arrgh, madam unfun, nagging and shouting and not letting him stick his big dick in me.
I mean, add in a bit of money grasping (and you don’t have to look to far to see dominant women being painted and painting themselves with that particular brush) and being a dominant woman seems to involve taking on all the worst traits of all the stereotypes of the worst kind of women. Like the automatic trope of a bad, mean woman is this ridiculous toxic stereotype: a nagging bitch.
On the famous (and famously run by a mandom with a kink for making dominant women cry with frustrated rage) femdom porn site Men in Pain (aka Me in Pain) they often talk to the men using, what I think of, as a kind of profane nagging.
That’s right you’re going to take this pain for me you’re all over the place you worthless little pig. That’s what I like to see. Now remember to breathe. Quit being such a sissy. Ooh that was good one. God that popping sound of this leather on your ass makes me hot. You do want to make me hot don’t you? Huh? You want to keep me happy. Maybe I’ll play with you. Maybe I’ll use you as my sex slave. That’s what you really want isn’t it, huh? And you’re going to suffer for me. You’re going to suffer as much as it needs to use me as my sex slave, aren’t you?
I transcribed what the woman was saying on Men in Pain, just so I could email it to Jack and say, ‘I never talk like this do I?’
And then after, ‘No, you’re usually very nice to me’, saying, ‘Should I be talking to you like that? Would you like that? ‘Cause I don’t think I can.’
‘Cause I’m lame and insecure like that? (Remember how I once said I spent half my time worrying that I was crappy because I was mean to him and the other half worrying that I was crappy because I wasn’t mean enough? In fact sometimes I think I can beat myself up about both at once.)
Here is some news. I am a dominant woman and yet I want the people I have sex with to, you know *like* me. I want people in general to like me and think I am a nice person. I don’t think that is so very uncommon.
Dominant women (as they are broadly and consistently portrayed) don’t just get to be mean in fun, likey and likeable ways – being playful and sexualised and motivated by a desire for the sexay, the suffering, the beauty and the bravery. We have to be physically attractive yet mentally repulsive. Motivated only by the evils. There’s only one kind of wicked witch. We are all powered by some kind of innate evil that lurks in all women – borne out by the fact that we act mean in ways that are associated with some stereotypical idea of a mean woman. A nagging bitch. A money grabbing nagging bitch.
Add in female supremacy – or any of those writ-in-stone notions that all women should attain this mantle – and you get the notion that what is really being said here is that deep down *all* women are nagging, money grabbing emasculating bitches who are fundamental forces of unfun in men’s live.
Nice.
Is it any wonder at lot of women feel excluded from this lifestyle?
I don’t nag, I don’t lecture, I don’t hassle, I don’t rebuild, I don’t improve, I don’t write diet sheets, I don’t train. Besides I don’t want to tailor make an ideal man – I want him to come pret a porter.
And hence, I’ve never administered a punishment.
Although that’s kind of a shame ‘cause that sounds kind of hot, it’s never once made sense in the context of my life. The things I do with Jack are things we both actually want to do and anything else would be a nonsense to me. So punishing him for not doing something outside of role play – well, I can’t see how that would fit.
Oh, you know, except if I gave him something to do that was *impossible*. And then…
Hmm….
8 Comments
January 3, 2008 at 1:58 am
I don’t understand why it is that some people seem to believe that, in kink, a magical land full of not-real there is an immunity to the outside world, the sexist and unequal one where every kinky person actually lives.
Sexism in kink is very prevalent, it just has different outlets. Thanks for connecting my unease with punishments to something I already understood, namely the sexism inherent in the dichotomy.
January 3, 2008 at 9:43 am
That mode of verbal interplay is something I learned to convey when I started doing professional sessions. In my experience, the purpose is twofold:
First, we’re stimulating the client’s mental and psychological erotic zones by providing verbal commentary about what we’re doing, the same way that many people — kinky or not — masturbate to certain storylines and internal narratives.
The second motive for this style of verbal interplay is to get continuous feedback from the client, who may very well be someone we met just fifteen minutes ago. In your example above, she asks a lot of questions. Of course she doesn’t expect an answer each time she asks, “That’s what you really want, isn’t it?” but it’s not an entirely rhetorical question, either. She’s reading his verbal and nonverbal responses. She also reassures him (”Now remember to breathe”) and hints that she’s enjoying herself, too (”The sound of this leather on your ass makes me hot”). It’s a way to continually maintain consent and gauge the headspace of the client.
One of the most important skills that a pro-domme develops is the ability to detect and unearth the deep desires of a complete stranger after just 10-15 minutes of pre-session negotiation. But negotiation is an ongoing process and time is limited. So the verbal interplay helps move the scene along in an appropriately more or less intense direction.
January 3, 2008 at 9:58 am
Which just prooves my point. Prodomming – which had hijacked this kink in no uncertain terms – has warped it into something that facilitates the needs of those kinds of encounters – i.e. that they are with strangers, that they are just for an hour or whatever and also that they are based around stroking and coaxing the male fantasy. And *work*.
Is it any wonder that this has become something real women are not very interested in doing in their personal lives.
It’s as if it were perfectly normal for vanilla sex to based around what made most sense for hookers.
January 3, 2008 at 12:29 pm
An interesting point to be made here is that the “verbal interplay” described on the prodomme site is what does *not* happen in my bedroom, but if a potential partner has been to a prodomme or read about them, he tends to expect this from me. The same with punishments.
Maybe that is why I’ve never gotten to the point of developing a relationship with one of these men. A few conversations about kink is enough to let me know they assume all dominant women are like the prodommes, and I’m here to find out their fantasies, take them by the hand, and lead them into fantasy nirvana, all while being the girlfriend or wife of their dreams too (after all, I’m not a pro). To counter all this garbage — and I’ve tried with a few — is an incredible amount of work.
I’m with bitchy. Get one that is pret-a porter, and hasn’t yet swallowed the prodomme hook.
There’s plenty of fantasy nirvana in my bedroom. But get this — they’re MY fantasies!
January 3, 2008 at 12:32 pm
Jones, I had no idea you offered tap-dancing lessons…if only my ankles were better!
January 6, 2008 at 2:15 am
Bitchy, I’m wondering… I’ve been reading through your archives (best way I can think of to procrastinate!) and I’ve noticed that there are some links to old posts of yours that don’t exist any more – specifically, ones I remember reading (like the “my definition” series, “more equal than others”, maybe some more too).
What’s up? I miss them… I remember the definitions being particularly interesting…
January 6, 2008 at 7:26 pm
“I don’t nag, I don’t lecture, I don’t hassle, I don’t rebuild, I don’t improve, I don’t write diet sheets, I don’t train. Besides I don’t want to tailor make an ideal man – I want him to come pret a porter.”
On the other side of the game, these are the reasons I am not a terribly good sub female to a lot of male doms… I didn’t want to be nagged, or improved, or put on a diet, or trained. I felt like I was just fine the way I am, thanks, and I much prefer him to think I am perfect already, just like I’d want in any non-kink relationship.
January 8, 2008 at 12:48 am
I agree.
Nagging so dosen’t get me wet (although I do admit I have put a couple of boys on workout routines to get them a bit more muscular, because I love a lot of muscle on a man).
But bitching at someone to do their taxes? How the hell does that get to be fun?