The Mandom Manifesto

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Think you can’t be an asshat if you have a penis. Think a-fucking-gain.

Because the truth is, as I try to find a place for me in the sexual sub-culture to which I have been assigned by higher powers with a malignant sense of humour, it may be asshat women that make me flounder and want to killstabkill online, but in real life – that place of warmth and touch and flesh – it is mandoms that make me question whether I can ever survive in this fucking hinterland of sex and horror where the cock is a universal signifier of being in charge and dress codes are enforced everywhere to make sure women do their job and brighten the place up.

But, you know, the mandoms. Can’t we have the culled or something? Is someone breeding them somewhere? I thought there were a lot of male subs, but for each of them there are 17 mandoms strutting around, meaning that I, as a unicorn, feel somewhat overwhelmed by them.

So ridiculously copious are they that when an onstage announcement claimed that tickets for a certain fetish-stravaganza could be bought from the ‘man in the leather jacket’, Jack and I made stretchy-eyed faces at one another. ‘What? All of them? - Every second person here is a man in a leather jacket’

Not all of them are asshats. But there are so many of them that even a minority asshat tendency would be overwhelming. And, face it, it’s not the minority is it?

And though manasshats don’t have the femdom demographic issue leading them to be wading through piles of needy, creepy, posturing submissives, to make then feel asshatterly superior - but they don’t need it. Because mandoms have something else.

Mandoms have science. Mandoms have ‘it’s natural’. Asshat mandoms have the power to make every woman into a submissive just by thinking about the fact that she probably is.

Here’s how the anatomy of the asshat mandom breaks down

Looks: If you’re a mandom you need to look like a MAN. And looking like a man means one thing and one thing only. Not muscular physiques. Not well pressed suits. Shaved heads. Oh no – mandoms do not need to make an effort to look manly. Mandoms express their masculinity by doing what comes naturally and just so happens to involve even less grooming than the average man. Mandoms express their masculinity one way and one way only: facial hair.

You may also like to consider a leather waistcoat and a black T shirt sporting a heavy manly music logo – or a tied up woman pic for special.

Never, ever look like you have made any attempt to look physically attractive. Femsubs hate that. Femsubs that want men to look attractive are not properly submissive. And besides if you look like you care what she thinks, you might get mistaken for a mansub and then your penis would fall off. And with it all your dominazi powers.

Personality: Are you successful in vanilla life. Do you have a car, a motorbike, a high powered career, all your own teeth? Well for god’s sake get it into the conversation. Don’t wait for an opening – just say so. You are mandom – all will listen to your self aggrandisement.

Attitude to women: All women are submissive. Or want to be. Or would want to be if they really understood themselves. Except for the ones who are submissive, but don’t do submission right. Those ones aren’t really submissive.

Social Interaction: At BDSM eventing the asshat mandom must be aware of certain groups of people and react to them appropriately.

Femdoms are all prostitutes - all of them do it for money really even if they say they don’t because no women are actually turned on by being dominant. Basically there is no such thing. And all the pros are (a) submissives denying it for profit and (b) evil. So treat every woman you meet as if she is a female submissive. *Your* female submissive. Unless she says otherwise. And probably even then.

Mansubs do exist - although it would be so much better if they didn’t. They are unnatural and need to be treated with the upmost contempt. They are spoiling it. Confusing everything by kneeling in front of women, destroying the science, the wondrous natural purity of mandom/femsub.

If they have to be submissive they can at least do everyone a favour and do it in private. Blank them or ridicule them, whatever it takes to make them go a long way away from you before any idle thoughts about what it might be like to submit yourself trail into your brain, because there is nothing worse than…

Switches! Switches are worse than mansubs, because like bisexuals in straightland, they look normal. (Nothing wrong with bisexuals of course, *female* bisexuals. It’s natural that women should be curious about other women. Women’s bodies are more beautiful after all.)

But, really, switches! That lovely M/f couple with him all puffy chest and her knowing her place and then, OMG, he says he switches. Ew. Ew!. EW! Switches are all wrong because being submissive (if you are a woman) or dominant (if you are a man) is something you ARE, not something you try on for fun. Goddamnit. When will people understand. This is not about sex!

Anyway, scratch all that really because submissive women are all you actually care about and they fall into two groups.

Cute ‘n’ young ‘n’ thin ‘n’ blonde ones… and all the other ones.

Make sure you give at least 85% of your attention to the ones who look most like your average kink dot com cookie cutter rope slut bunny. All the rest of them, the older, fatter, ordinarier ones can wait for your attention. They’ll probably get off on your superior ignoring anyway.

Communication skills: Of course you can be a mandom if you have speech impediment, but how did it happen that if you have a speech impediment you *had* to be a mandom. ‘Cause only a rule like that would explain the prevalence of mandoms of, uh, well…

…who squeak…

…or worse.

Please could at least *some* of you have speech therapy or elocution lessons or whatever the fuck it takes because the Elmer Fudd mandom is becoming something of a thing. Every mandom these days is either lisping or doing funny ‘R’ sounds or has some kind of weird high pitched nasal thing going on.

And I can do without Jack sneaking up behind me when I am perusing some stuff to be mean to him with and whispering: ‘thay yeth thir… thuck my cock, thlave or I will thpank you, methilethly.’

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Filed under I hate men, Jack, The Let's Make Bitchy Feel Inadequate Society, bondage, cock, dom, everything is broken, gor blimey, male doms, shooting fish, the femdom demographic issue