January 22, 2008...10:34 am
No, Really: I Can Give Up Anytime At All
The two vibrators that arrived yesterday finally put me into vibrators-need-their-own-box territory*.
It’s Jack’s fault I have so many vibrators. I go online to buy him specialist condoms for people who have unnaturally huge cocks** and the same sites that sell industrial-sized condoms always sell cheap vibrators.
I bought that new super old-school white one for £1.99 on a nostalgia trip ’cause it is just like the first one I ever had when I was 20. Despite every kind of new pink-jelly, walrus-shaped innovation - I still like the hard white plastic kind the best.
I have heard rumours (probably gleaned from reading those slick disgusting things called women’s magazines that I only buy for train journeys or when I don’t quite feel insecure enough) that some men are threatened by phallic shaped sex toys. I have never met these men. Perhaps the men I get vibrator-box-witnessingly-close with are too busy worried about being threatened by other things.
Notes
(*) Yes, this is just the box of vibrators, not the box of ’stuff’ - even though I always say I don’t have much ’stuff’ the box of ’stuff’ is much bigger than this because of all the ’stuff’
(**) Why doesn’t Jack buy his own condoms? He does. But I like going online and buying enormous condoms. I am a proud girlfriend like that.
13 Comments
January 22, 2008 at 11:06 am
I too enjoy buying enormous condoms - however, I don’t buy them for the men in my life. The Trojan Magnum XL’s are the only thing that fit on my big purple cock.
The girl at the store always gives me that knowing look, but the poor thing has no idea.
The best part, though, is when the men who fuck me see the enormous condoms under the regular condoms in my sex drawer. They ALWAYS, without fail say “Why didn’t you tell me you have those? I totally need them!”
There really isn’t a polite way of saying ‘No honey, you don’t. Regular condoms work just fine. So either put a regular one on, or bend over, coz thats all these are for.’
(Not that they’re *small* per say. Most of them are fairly large. However, I’ve only slept with one man that actually required the big ones, since all the others broke. I just like to keep all their ego’s in check.)
January 22, 2008 at 11:33 am
Only a box? I have one drawer of my nightstand devoted to vibes, batteries, lube, and moistened wipes for cleaning up. You may have discovered it already, but I am fond of lovehoney.co.uk for cheap and cheerful vibes.
January 22, 2008 at 11:41 am
Oh noes, now I feel inadequate. But it is my fault for starting it.
January 22, 2008 at 3:57 pm
Believe it or not… I actually know a man whose erect penis is not only too large for a regular condom, but for the biggest size condom as well. He can fit an XL on, but it ‘chokes’ his dick too much!
And that when it’s flaccid, it reaches down a rather long way (not to his feet, but, you know, somewhere further down than normal). Both girls and guys who have seen it have affirmed that, in many ways, “[he] is hung like a Lancashire donkey”.
It also has two holes. So, basically, he genetically has two. Easy explanation.
January 22, 2008 at 4:31 pm
I have one shaped just like that white one; it came free with a different toy purchase, and it’s good fun but GOD is it noisy. I have to hope the neighbours think it’s a drill.
January 22, 2008 at 4:37 pm
Quiet vibrators are pointless for me as *I* am way louder than any motor. (Seriously - everywhere I have ever lived neighbours have complained.)
Maybe my neighbours think I have a drill. A drill that makes me very, very happy.
January 22, 2008 at 4:39 pm
Oh and, if I’m not alone, well, Jack, god, now, he is outrageously loud.
I mean, you might say he deserves to be loud, considering, but, fucking hell, sometimes you’d think I was skinning him alive.
January 22, 2008 at 9:58 pm
Hurray for the old-school one! Why must everything be pink and soft and animal-shaped and non-threatening? Give me clinical over cute any day.
January 23, 2008 at 12:01 am
I figured I needed to learn how to be quiet when my neighbors didn’t complain… it was the people from the apartments across the street. The poor lady from the office called and seemed so damned embarrassed. I’m sure it worked something like this:
Neighbors to Apartment Lady: If she’s got to be so damn loud getting laid, tell her that she’d better not do it at 2 am anymore, and if God’s really listening she doesn’t have to scream about it, he can hear her just fine if she’s QUIET!
Apartment Lady to Me:
Your neighbors have said something about you having some rather loud noises on late at night, if you’re watching a movie or doing something… *Apartment Lady dies of embarrassment* else, please try to keep it a little quieter.
Me: *dies of embarrassment*
Ex Boyfriend: *does victory dance*
Buying large condoms are fun. Blogging about buying large condoms gives you double bonus points.
January 23, 2008 at 5:23 am
Seriously, one of your hot mantoys should acquire you a pretty and protective case for those weapons of vag destruction! I love Vera at http://www.foryournymphomation.com. She’s a gorgeous gal and a smart, sex-positive businesswoman — and she’s got herself one of the most brilliant business names EVER!
January 23, 2008 at 10:30 pm
you and I both own the same type of transparent red bullet vibe with the attached battery pack.
January 25, 2008 at 7:40 pm
i had the WORST time finding condoms big enough for my boyfriend in non-latex. i did finally find some and oh yeah, they stopped making them!!!
(here they are [ http://mayerlabs.com/product_detail.aspx?iid=153 ], maybe if enough people write in they’ll make them again… on and the ‘ez-on’ part is true - they lie though, they fit him super snug and not quite long enough rather than ‘loose like a bag’
and yes, i took great pleasure ordering them…
January 28, 2008 at 4:15 pm
I keep all of mine in a box, too. My hard white plastic equivilant is actually purple, first one bought when I was 18.
Read this thing ages ago saying vibrators aren’t really penis shaped, they’re vagina shaped.
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