Bitchy Jones, What Have You Done?

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You know what I say:

I say, there are as many dominant women as there are submissive men. There are enough for one each. It could all be fine. Bunches of women are more than capable of being turned on by male submission ‘cause it is hot.

But those women aren’t here because they are driven away by how horrible this culture is to women. There is probably nothing such as turn off as brutal harsh porn driven idea about female sexuality and desire being presented as what women actually want. What you are meant to want if you are a dominant woman.

That is what happens in femdom. I said it better way back when I said this:

Do you not see? Do you not see? You have created a woman repelling space full of unreasonable expectations of female physicality, predatory sexual creepiness, penis fixation (just ’cause you’ve locked it in a plastic cage doesn’t mean you aren’t still letting your world revolve around it) and pay-for-play as an acceptable norm.

And then you are surprised – surprised! – that there are no women here. Even though you have practically built a woman repelling force field around this place. You really like sexual frustration that much, huh?

Some people don’t believe me. And to those unbelievers I say: I am right.

Those people need to know that nowadays I get 2 or 3 emails a month from women saying, ‘Oh yeah, Beej. Now I get it. Oh yikes I am a dominatrix!‘ Or something. They are actually more articulate than that.

I don’t print a lot of reader mail (in fact I don’t think I ever have before), but I love this one. I excerpted from it in The Complete Bitchy Jones – but I think the whole thing is worth reading.

Hi,

I know you get alot of these, but in case you’re keeping track for statistical purposes – I love LOVE your blog, and I feel like I’m one of the women who has never considered myself dom because I find the bdsm scene pretty cold, creepy, and not sexy.

Since you asked – I stumbled across your blog when I was googling around. Since then I’ve been working my way through the archives, laughing myself sick, getting teary eyed – and also turned on.

Thank you for your writing. It’s so emotional, and beautiful, and true. I’m in a happy vanilla relationship now, and though I wish I could figure out how to introduce some kink into our sex life, in the meantime I have your blog to read.

Also, I just wanted to share some thoughts with you on the prodom subject. A very old friend of mine has grown up to be a prodom, and she embodies the stereotype exactly, from the Amazon wish list to the KLASSY ‘I love mozart and I read Derrida and I am an artiste of dominance and pain’ etc. etc. blah blah blah. She wears the latex, she wields the strap on, her website features pictures of her looking hot and scornful and tying men up in elaborate rope bondage. And she never gets fucked. SHE NEVER GETS FUCKED. She loathes the men that she beats and she never gets fucked.

Here’s the thing about her that you haven’t addressed exactly on your blog: this IS all very gratifying to her. She doesn’t get off sexually from hurting men – she gets off mentally on being adored, and worshipped, and having people be all in awe and like “wow, you’re so beautiful and powerful and mysterious” – because she’s an insecure mess and she needs male attention/approval like a fish needs water. She’s drunk on the fantasy image of herself that she’s created (the image that she wishes she was rather than the boring, suburban reality of her upbringing), and she needs and craves the kind of fawning adoration she gets from her clients. The fact that she can hurt these men, and they will still desire/adore/worship her is proof (to her) that she is just THAT fucking hot and incredible. The idea that these men like pain is kind of overlooked – it’s about her being so amazing that they suffer just to bask in the glow of her greatness – as opposed to them just liking the hurt.

I think that’s why when most prodoms talk about how it’s ‘mental’ and all that crap, what they really mean is this kind of thing – the desperate, desperate need to be desired to the point of worship. That’s the turn on for them. I’m not even totally sure it’s sexual. It’s just like this intensely exaggerated extension of the pretty typical insecurities most heterosexual women feel about wanting to be pretty and wanting men to be turned on by them.

And the no sex thing is like, they need the worship, and being cold and distant is how they think they hold on to that, because they really don’t believe a man can worship something he can have. Being the object of worship is more important than getting fucked. In fact, it’s the whole point.

This is clearly not the same thing as the desperate, desperate need to see a man on his knees, taking pain for you and getting hard in the process. It’s not much about sweaty, hot sex at all. It’s about being emotionally/psychologically needy to the point of total fucking craziness. I think it’s about that at least as often as it’s about money. It’s not actually female dominance or female power at all. It’s just really, really insecure women poaching submissive guys because they want to be the princess, the goddess, the superior sexual uber-woman.

It’s not on accident that so many of them are ‘models,’ or more realistically, women who aren’t quite beautiful enough to really BE models but wish they were and like to pretend they are (thus the glut of arty, fashiony, black & white photographs of them looking hot in latex and lipstick on their websites). These are often (maybe not always, I don’t know) women who feel they simply don’t exist if there is no male gaze to validate them. Being a prodom is the fast way to get that gaze to the nth fucking degree.

It’s pretty sad, when you think about it. A sub-culture that’s supposed to be about women actively wanting and desiring has been co-opted by the exact opposite – women who need to be wanted and desired. And that’s why it makes sense for them to lump all that perversion together under femdom (feminization, the age-play), because the point is to be the worshiped goddess, to grant man their fantasies in order to become the fantasy, and inflicting pain is just one flavor of that process.

Anyway, it’s no mystery to me why women who might actually be sexually aroused by a man collared and chained to a radiotor are not so interested in this sub-culture. It’s driven by narcissism, not sex. And at the end of the day, I’d rather be fucked than worshiped.

So those were the thoughts I wanted to share. You rock so hard. I wish I’d read this blog 13 years ago.

Thank you.

God, someone that smart loves me. How happy am I right now? Not least because she has supplied me with an entire fabulous post right there. But also, whoops, look, there goes a brilliant, brilliant woman who is turned on by men hurting and is she here hurting you? No. You lost her by disguising super hot male submission as crappy crap. Well done.

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