Ah me, you know something, internet, I am the wrongness. I don’t get it. I fail. I cannot do this thing that is the only thing I really want. I hate what I want and it makes me cry. Oh the melodrama of it all! The tragedy! For me the sweet release is like opening Pandora’s box.
I am no good at being dominant. Here’s why. I have emotions. Emotions are your enemy when you want to stomp all over your partner for lame kicks. Empathy? Forget it. That’s helping no one. Remorse? Get thee behind me. Love?
Basically it’s hard enough making ‘I love you‘ and ‘I want to hurt you’ fit into the same person’s box in my brain without the entire world of femdom adding to my troubles by going out of its fucking way to completely ignore questions of love and actual adult human relationships (and essentially anything that doesn’t come up in the prodom/client dynamic).
Femdom hates the feminine: clothing and behaviours that signify it are used to degrade. Emotions associated with femininity – like loving and caring – are ignored.
Where is love? Truly. You tell me, in this world of kink that venerates women as it hates and grinds them down. As it worships cunts and feet and immaculate beauty? As it rejects female desire, female sexuality, cunts that aren’t framed in a queening stool like an object d’art. That is okay with the clit and it’s erectile properties and love of friction and down with the hatin’ on the vagina and its dirty ache for penetration. And where is the woman – who is me – falling in love with this man who is her dirt, her filth, hers to grind to powder and crumble to dust.
You know me and you know that when I see him like that my heart burst open like bruised fruit. Not for male submission in general, not for my kink made flesh, but for him. The actual him inside the hurt. I love the one I’m with and I wouldn’t have it any other way.
And even in the past when I haven’t had the ultrapurity of love, even then it feels so like it. But it is always a real engagement of my emotions and my feeling about him, not some freakish self-reflexive robodom rapture at my own innate superiority, but in passion for him. For that person. For my emotional investment in that person in particular.
Submissive men are not exchangeable to me. Not interchangeable. He matters. It has to be him.
Pull back. Last time I wrote a bedtime story and one commenter suggested that she didn’t really like this fantasy because the male character could easily find a new woman to keep him if he got tired of my self insertion figure. Well, you know, that was never really my thought, and it never bothered me seeing as how I don’t think the streets of Paris or London or New York or Rome (or wherever this story was set) are exactly swimming with rich, listless, sadistic women who want to keep a man financially just so they can use him. But – even that being the case, and with apologies to that commenter because this is really just a jumping off point for me not a crit of her ideas – I don’t really care about the fact he could find another me. Or, more precisely, I actively reject the idea that most femdom relationships are conducted by an arch uninterested woman and a series of men who are dropped into the piranha pit as soon as they displease her.
For I am still a real person in my fantasies and I care about him. Him. He is not some faceless, exchangeable nothing, he is the most desirable creature that exists. That is who I fantasise about having at my beck. Oh, I know you are going to make noises about am army, a mass of most-desirables, but my desire doesn’t work that way. I am obsessive. I have focus.
He cannot easily be replaced. And who would want a man that could?
Deep down I think this idea of the disposable submissive man is one of those ideas that looks like it is about keeping the man down, sexily in his place, but at the expense of erasing (or nonsensifying) the desire of the dominant woman. It’s very similar to those ideas that if your submissive man gets all uppity – asking for lots of spankings while fondling his erection and demanding that mistress be more harsh and strict and could she wear that outfit that makes him feel so submissive – that the best way to deal with that is to stop dominanting him all together.
Yeah, because the bit where I dominate him – just serving his needs. (In fact I’ve been a lot of relationships where stopping the domination for a bit would be viewed with all the whooping of a public holiday). These ideas: that the domination is only for him, that the man might as well be anyone or any worm, discount the idea that the woman is an autonomous individual with specific desires. Not just the desire to be worshipped as a goddess, or, you know, not, if he’s being a pain, but an exact right thrust from and exact right man.
But this perfect thrust, oh my god, is not the model of femdom relationships.
Any why not? Because that model would make no sense in the context of professional and client, which is the place all archetypes for femdom relationships are rooted. Think about it: oh there’s a million of you queueing up, I could just snap my fingers and get another, if you don’t obey my rules you can leave: does that sound like a normal human relationship with a kink twist, or does that sound like a model that only fits if your interactions take two hour chunks of time, not weekends and months and years.
If you’re in an actual time-invested relationship with someone you don’t just chuck them over because they don’t obey some arbitrary sex rule. And you don’t stop doing the sex you like with them just because they get annoying. Real relationships aren’t like that. X pissed me off all the time: turning up late for stuff, not calling when he said he would, but I didn’t walk at one hint of insubordination because I was emotionally invested in the relationship. It wasn’t enough to make me want to start over and the slew of men out there who would have willingly taken his place weren’t him. And I wanted him.
In fact though, when X dumped me because he wanted someone more normal (I know!) I sort of bought into the men queuing up idea. I spent about a year listlessly trying to find a replacement and frustrated that no one seemed to just snap into place. But the fact is relationships take a long time to build and nurture. You could throw me into a big top full of submissive men and I wouldn’t find one that I have the chemistry and rapport I have with, say, Jack, just because that level of trust and intimacy has been built with hours of trawls round the supermarket, nights on the sofa and tearful mini-meltdowns (mine, btw.)
Okay I get the demographics. But I reject that. And you know what, I know I’m right. Women who have read what I have to say about what dominant sexuality feels like email me regularly to explain how they had aha moments after years of thinking this vinyl coated notion of a sexuality couldn’t be for them and couldn’t be the reason they were hot for a certain way for stories where he suffers. But then they ask, now how do I find a man who is into this stuff but isn’t so drugged up on femdom porn and prodom ideas that are based more on getting a man to open his wallet without her having to open her legs (I prefer it the other way round – I am the femdom freak) than anything an actual dominant woman would ever want. And that’s when I wonder what to say back.
Because that idea about submissive men being easy to replace or even find in the first place? Well I can think of one reason why that might be a likely sexual fantasy – and that’s that it is never gonna happen.
If you’re a submissive man and you read this blog because you find the idea of me attractive and like it when I talk about the actual tangible thrill I get from hurting him, from having power over him, from his bruised back and his voice all hoarse from chanting stop, please like a mantra, well, know this, I am not really so strange. Not the rarity you might believe. I speak for legions. Legions silenced by, hey, you – you doofs! Because sadism is quite a lazy common trait in humans. It’s just that women who feel like me have been cast out of femdom by your ideas. Ideas that might as well be an unscaleable wall around this place. By notions that this is all about dressing up in a catsuit, about being untouchably beautiful, about pay for play. By the fact that if you are confused by your sadistic feelings and you write to a liberal sex advice column you get a prodom saying, hey, why not hurt men for money? (Er, because that really isn’t the same thing at all.) By the women hating door slamming shut in our faces and the horror the horror that is femdom. I am mortified to be from here. It makes me sick and grosses me out. So if you’re wondering why I complain so much, or when, as another commenter said on the last post, I am going to resolve this for myself and move on – the answer is never. I will never stop fighting because one thing I know is that femdom is fucking better than this.
And – christ – it’s not like being better than this hard.
There’d be more women like me here if femdom embraced its (vast, vast, *huge*) potential to be hot for women even a tiny bit. But there are masses of potential dominant women who are hot for this stuff just like I am. But there is no way they are coming anywhere near this revolting sex-negative feminity-despising crap. So are you going to break this cycle? Are you going to stop filling up the world of male submission with women repelling imagery? Yes, the media is partly to blame but not wholly. The fact is the lame media representation of femdom is actually also literally true. Spend some time on google and see what the gateway to femdom on the internet actually looks like.
Then tell me that there are so few dominant women because it’s just not natural for women to be into that.
As for me? Yes, I’m here. But, face it, not really– I’m just throwing rocks from a distance. I’m not part of femdom culture as it stands. There is no place for me in femdom culture as it stands. I – and women like me – can’t be part of it, even if we wanted to. Which we don’t. Blee. I’m in a femdom relationship. Kinda. The fact is I have my most successful relationships with men who are not really any more than sideline submissive. The real deal submissive men are just too fucked up to not shred my fragile little mind. Tough but true. So even though a big evil streak of me loves the idea of those men who crave submissive with their very souls, I can’t have those guys. And I hate that, if you must know. It’s like an itch I can never reach. But I work out better as kooky kinky krazy girlfriend than answer to a lifetime’s prayers. Because a lot of those prayers have been made to at least the idea of an untouchable goddess and I can’t live in her shadow.
Relationships between dominant women and submissive men do not work on the whole! Do you know any? I can think of one or two I know only though their blogs. That’s not very many is it? And that’s a big problem. Or a big symptom of one.
It’s hard forming relationships with nothing to base them on. Lame ideas about goddesses and worms are no help to people trying to form real relationships where he is submissive to her but they still spend most of their time not actually doing BDSM type stuff. Where he is her one *and* she hurts him.
Not – in all this talk about ‘the one’ – that people shouldn’t be promiscuous or ought to be monogamous, just that whenever I have sex I know I want to be having sex with the best person for me to be with at that moment. Not a face in the crowd.
And ideas of femdom relationships need to evolve beyond ideas of sessions and preferred activities and wishlists and into ideas of female desire, male attractiveness and love.
Love.
31 Comments
November 19, 2008 at 4:20 pm
Love.
November 19, 2008 at 4:34 pm
One of the reasons I got involved in my local kink community was because I knew there had to be more than that out there.
I started as a sub, and I am still a switch. Some days I want to beat the fuck out of my men, and some days I want to crawl into their laps and have them pet me.
I’ve lost so many potential chewtoys over ‘admitting’ that. Over admitting that I’m a multi-faceted human being, and not just an Aloof Goddess of Pain. Of course, anyone who runs at that would never last long with me, so *shrugs*
Anyway… that’s why I got involved in my local kink community. I guess we’ve had different experiences with it, because it was there I met my first couple of Femdoms, and so far nearly all of them have been cool. Yeah, some are proDoms, but nearly all of them are either in partnerships with men or actively searching.
Maybe I got lucky, or maybe I just have a really different community. Sure, mine does the dressing up and posing for the camera thing (I do, too, but then I’m a slut like that), but they also love. My mentor loves her partner deeply. A new but already dear Femdom friend and her boy have one of the strongest relationships I’ve seen in years.
Love does exist here. Sometimes, though, it’s just harder to see beneath the costumes.
November 19, 2008 at 5:16 pm
“Deep down I think this idea of the disposable submissive man is one of those ideas that looks like it is about keeping the man down, sexily in his place, but at the expense of erasing (or nonsensifying) the desire of the dominant woman.”
Not to mention that a male fantasy of “disposability ” still fits inside the fantasy of men being able to rack up multiple partners.
Also I appreciate how you’re able to illuminate (not just here but throughout your writing) that dominance isn’t something one necessarily wants for its own sake. That it’s something one can want *with* someone in particular and not just *over* anybody.
As always, BJ, cool post.
figleaf
November 19, 2008 at 5:38 pm
I see that kind of loveless, soulless approach all the time online. Fortunately, it’s not like that in my local scene. People here are multifaceted humans, not overblown stereotypical caricatures. But from the bits you’ve posted (in other posts) about your local scene, it’s very different from mine. Grr.
I’m very much with you in the sense that love is vital. Casual play can be fun, but when it comes to a relationship, it’s based on mutual love, trust, and respect rather than on some cliché pre-cut pattern.
November 19, 2008 at 5:39 pm
Thank you, Bitchy. Thank you so much. You just articulated everything that I’ve spent most of my adult life trying to convey to both friends and lovers. Not one of them got it and I couldn’t figure out why. I still can’t, but seeing you put it in such plain and clear terms makes me feel so much less alone. Whether I was hurting or being hurt, it was never any good (most of the time I was rearranging my closet in my head) unless the emotion, the love was there. Without it, I’m mildly amused at best. Certainly not hot and achy as I should be. Sure, I just lit your back on fire and it’s pretty and all, but meh.
It’s one of those things that makes it even harder to find a partner on top of all the other ways in which I have trouble finding someone, but once you find that person or people it’s got to be worth all the heartache and wasted lashes. As a woman, it always seemed like I was thinking or feeling something that had to exist somewhere, but I was so afraid that it was a guy thing and I’d be stuck wandering about with the wrong kind of pain.
I’m just so happy for you two. You and Jack found each other and that gives me hope.
November 19, 2008 at 8:47 pm
“The actual him inside the hurt. I love the one I’m with and I wouldn’t have it any other way…
…Submissive men are not exchangeable to me. Not interchangeable. He matters. It has to be him.”
Absolutely. Yes, yes, yes.
This post is wonderful. You explore everything wrong and twisted in the kink side of things and how things should really be. Thank you for expressing it so clearly, blindingly obviously pointing out what has happened to the Love. I hope people wake up and find it soon. They need to.
November 19, 2008 at 10:39 pm
I’m happy you indirectly got a jumping off point for a beautiful post on love. I hope that many more people will find out for themselves that sadomasochism and love don’t preclude one another at all.
The fantasy setup you’ve described in “Vulgarities” reminded me of a (non-BDSM) story I’ve read with a paid lover arrangement, where the paid lover at some point leaves with another, richer sponsor. That’s how the question occurred to me. It was just an unfortunate misunderstanding if you read it as relating to any “femdom relationships” in real life. I regret if it made you sad because you associated it with anything about real relationships. Please take my comment in the spirit of “story review”. It did not occur to me as relating to anything in your real life, or in mine.
I take the fantasies and fiction I enjoy as something I like in itself, and look at them from a storytelling point of view. I appreciate fiction as fiction. I don’t use stories I enjoy as a reference point for my real relationship. I don’t necessarily put myself into fantasies; I can get off on fantasies in which I don’t even show up as a character. Stories with structural violence setups and nonconsensual violence in them are one kind of fiction I get off on. I like consensual plots and love stories too, and all sorts of complicated layers in between.
The ‘please her or else!’ threat works fine for me in fiction, as one way of many to show structural power difference. The snag from a storytelling point of view is that if you carelessly throw main characters into the piranha basin, all the effort you’ve put into them as characters is lost for the rest of the tale. So the replacement motif only works okay to a certain point, or actually works better just as a threat in the background, because with a series of faceless nobodies you can hardly tell an interesting story.
In my real life I’m in love and have been for many years, with my partner who has a talent for sexual submission. I hope in my heart for many more years.
November 19, 2008 at 10:51 pm
It didn’t make me sad at all. It was just a jumping off point to think about other things – sorry if that wasn’t clear.
November 20, 2008 at 3:00 am
This is one of the best things (not just blog entries) I’ve read in a long time. Just stunning.
November 20, 2008 at 3:18 am
Vanilla relationships are easy to fall into because there is a guidebook, with lots of example. Walk through everyday life and just look around and you see vanilla relationships.
Where I think most of the problem lies is in the example of “mainstream bdsm” which seems to be half swinger, half pansexual with a dollop of Jerry Springer.
Oddly enough, what happens at munches and play parties I feel is just a bunch of people trying to fit into a label for the sake of acceptance; even if the label isn’t representative of the majority of us (or even them) kinky folk.
For me Ms Jones it’s all about compatibility and real dynamic. It can’t be absent of love and our sexualities must compliment each other.
I think there’s a reason you don’t see people “playing” with the same partners for a long period of time in the social bdsm scene because their idea of how things should be seems to be fundamentally flawed.
We should spend more time looking for compatibility and less time pigeon-holing our desires by the D/s gospel according to mainstream.
November 20, 2008 at 3:46 am
Great post. In person, I don’t actually know any other couples (besides May and myself) in a functional D/s relationship with the gal on top. Online…well, you and Jack did spring to mind, but that’s about it. And though May and I technically fit the bill, our relationship doesn’t look like stereotypical D/s, not by a long stretch.
Whenever I hear nonsense about love not being a part of femdom, the first thing that springs to mind is actually the trope that sadism is bad and hurting your loved ones is evil (and therefore, impossible in a loving relationship unless you’re psychotic.)
Curiously, this is not said nearly so often about maledom relationships, which says a lot about the relationships of gender and violence.
But ultimately, that trope is all part of this same problem – actually disempowering women under the guise of protecting, serving or supporting them. Bullshit, and infuriating.
November 20, 2008 at 12:03 pm
Good stuff Jones, nice to see that dom women are as dewy eyed and gushy as vanilla women.
I wonder about the demographics you talk about, personally I don’t think I have ever met a sexually dominant woman and its not as though I haven’t been putting it about a bit, perhaps I am just not the type of guy they like. It seems that most of the assertive women I have dated are actually really passive in bed, cliche I know but it does seem to be true. Having said that I don’t think I have ever really thought about their sexuality, just seen them as people I wanted to be with. I could have worded that to make it sound egalitarian, but the truth is I am probably just far too selfish to consider another persons feelings…hmm, might explain the limited duration of most of my relationships.
I wonder if pro doms really ever develop relationships with their clients, of course their websites/blogs would lead you to believe that they do but I get a Christmas and Birthday card from my brokers, signed by the whole desk, I don’t think that means they really like me – just the commissions I pay them, (perhaps I should put it to the test and turn up on one of their doorsteps for Christmas dinner)!
Anyway Jones, you didn’t tell us of any birthday depravity you got up to, what are you 45, 50 now? Maybe that explains the sentimentality.
November 20, 2008 at 12:51 pm
Good post. In our local Femdom circle (about seven couples) there are only two who started out as real-life Femdom couples. Everybody else just worked into it. And this is one of the reasons the group is so small, even if we are near a huge US city. There just aren’t that many couples out there in these relationships.
November 20, 2008 at 5:24 pm
Once again, I relate very strongly to what you’ve written. I also wonder if it was inspired by Dan Savages latest column in which a sub complains about his mistress dumping him because he asked if she’s wash her dildos in front of him.
November 21, 2008 at 3:21 am
This is your best post yet.
November 21, 2008 at 7:13 am
Oh, Bitchy. Sometimes the things you write make me very hopeful. Thank you.
November 22, 2008 at 12:37 am
Bitchy, you rock.
November 22, 2008 at 11:31 am
A lot of what’s out there may tell a different story, but to me, increasingly, BDSM is about love. Over time the feelings I have for the prodom I visit have become much deeper & more complex than the glossy off-the-peg fantasies ever implied. Emotions don’t fit neatly into roles or types or boxes, but they all bleed into each other. It’s not what I expected from the description on the packet. Or perhaps I’m not that good at being submissive.
Maybe sessions are a bit like plantpots, helping something to grow initially, but then in danger of stifling it when it gets bigger…
November 22, 2008 at 11:49 am
Maybe for the guy…
November 22, 2008 at 1:24 pm
My emotions fit neatly into my wallet, right next to my credit cards, pretty handy if I ever require the services of a pro dom.
November 22, 2008 at 3:24 pm
This commonly held belief, echoed by both dominant women and submissive men, that there must be an emotional distance that she has to keep to ‘maintain her dominance’ is pervasive. If she gets too close, shows vulnerability, or *gasp* falls in love, she somehow changes from being dominant to vanilla (really?!). This belief underlies the ’submissive men as exchangeable commodities’ view… if there is no emotion, they are just bodies to do stuff to and I think that there are enough proponents of this view for them to find each other in a cycle of dismissal and retrieval from the submissive pool.
My domination is an expression of attraction, desire, affection, it is a way to draw him (that special him, the one I want) closer to me. When I feel strongly about a man, I express that through controlling him, or hurting him, or otherwise ‘taking ownership’ of him. The desire for *him*, that particular man, comes first and he raises the hunger.
As you say. Love.
Ferns
November 22, 2008 at 4:00 pm
This comment pretty much exactly shows what I think is the real point and the problem. There is a huge misconception about how ‘being dominant’ feels for dominant women. The message from femdom culture is completely wrong. This is because dominant women don’t have a voice in femdom culture.
In femdom culture dominant women are played by prodoms who, even if they are into it for real, have to be very careful about what they say publicly. In fact as prodoms play a part in public what they do in private is irrelevant to the effect of their public role. They are either faking their sexuality or faking what dominant sexuality actually feels like. (yeah go on – say ‘not everyone feels like you inside, Bitchy Jones’ – but isn’t it funny how a lot of women who do tis for love and not money say that they *do*)
This whole situation certainly works in the interest of people who make money from the desire submissive men have for dominant women and cannot meet in personal relationships as dominant women have been so erased from femdom culture. The hostility this blog has inspired seems to only endorse that fact.
November 22, 2008 at 6:47 pm
Come on Jones, isn’t it time you opened a Sarah Beeney style dating agency but aimed at dom women and sub guys. As your a rich girl you can regard it as philanthropy, I’ll invest, might even reduce my normal target return on equity if you can hook me up with a girl who can meet my requirements for your guide, she has to know her place so that counts you out.
November 24, 2008 at 7:19 am
In order to get things right blokes are going to have to stop visiting femdom prostitutes.
Its like they say voting for politicians only encourages them.When blokes stop forking out money for fake romance and fake sex then they will have to make an effort to interest your ordinary Joanne in them.
And they won’t do that by just focusing on some cliche and exclusively on what they like to do.They will have to find something they both like to do but with him making the greater effort for after all he wants to please doesn’t he.
Why do you always punish yourself about what comes naturally.You want to hurt the right man and the right man wants to be hurt by you.
November 24, 2008 at 1:10 pm
I’ve resisted posting any comments here for a number of reasons, not the least has been “she is doing just fine, she doesn’t need my opinion or help”.
I would like today to say “thank you” for your postings, I find them refreshing and supportive of what I consider to be so much closer to reality than the other.
I am a male switch who has found himself standing on the edge of situations over and over again because what I believe and the way I feel doesn’t fit in with so many people at munches, at TES meetings, at educational workshops by so many pro- and semi- dom (male and female) seminars, etc., ad nauseum.
I have an ex who actually asked me to go to pro-doms to get what I needed and didn’t understand when I told her it wasn’t the act per se, it was “acts + her”, and both were essential.
In my kinky sexual little brain, I have a tropism for my partner — I’m addicted to her smell, her taste, her voice, the way she cuddles — emPHAsis on that which is her (note the uncapitalization of her, for which I’d be stoned in certain quarters…). Substituting a vinyl-clad mannequin with a whip and a pull string for a given set of commands won’t cut the mustard.
I’ve been given to feel over the years that I’m an impossible man with absurd standards. When I read you, I don’t feel that way, and that makes every day better.
Just for you, imagine a round of applause generated by the sound of 49 cat o’nines repeadedly striking the bare naked bent backs of 49 men being struck by the 49 women who love them and abuse them and will wake up the next morning cuddled by them…
November 24, 2008 at 8:40 pm
I’m not sure it’s true that all men who visit prodoms “focus …exclusively on what they like to do”. Some get their kicks from believing they’re pleasing their mistress, and even in other cases I think there’s often an element of negotiation. Not sure, either, that all prodoms are “vinyl-clad mannequins”. I’ve heard that some even wear quite ordinary clothes. In fact, most individuals probably don’t fit into any of these stereotypes, however much it gives others a buzz to lock people up inside them.
Love, yes.
November 26, 2008 at 5:06 am
BJ, maybe part of the problem is that men who are submissive are so when it comes to emotions, but in the sex act, not so much.
Could it be that the love is not forming, become the submission is only half-assed? If a sub male is still silently barking out orders, expecting his domme to fulfill myriad sexual stereotypes, how can an authentic relationship come about?
How many frustrated sub men who see pro-dommes do so, because they are so heavily invested in a fantasy that no ‘lifestyle’ domme can satisfy?
It is not that the sub lacks desires and is a blank upon which the domme imprints what he should be. rather, it is about meeting in a placewhere both get wht they need and want.
I think a number of sub males do not want a dewy and loving domme-their minds cannot wrap around such a paradox. A kinky chick for x amount of time, per so many days will suffice.
There is such a difference between submitting and having sex, versus having submissive sex.
Forgive my cynicism.
November 27, 2008 at 3:38 pm
“The fact is I have my most successful relationships with men who are not really any more than sideline submissive. The real deal submissive men are just too fucked up to not shred my fragile little mind. Tough but true.”
I have incredibly little experience, but what little I do have seems to support this. It disheartens me. A lot. What does that mean for those of us who are ridiculously young and just starting?
November 27, 2008 at 10:43 pm
@ranat:
It means you still have a chance to make things work the way you and I and Bitchy know they ought to. Don’t ever stop trying. I won’t.
November 28, 2008 at 3:16 am
@maymay – I shall never stop the good fight. It’s just that everything else is fuckered. The air, the soil, the climate, the rivers, the oceans, the frogs. Why does this have to be fuckered too?
Of course I know the answer to that, it’s just unexpectedly disheartening.
December 2, 2008 at 12:57 am
Umm, not that your lot isn’t sucky, but everyone has shitty stereotypes applied to them without their permission. Women are assumed to be vanilla bisexuals who want to marry a strong man. Men are assumed to be straight, to only have calm and angry emotions, who want to rescue one of them emotional girls. There seem to me to be two kinds of grownups, those who fight for true selves and those who buckle in to the stereotypes. Thing is, it’s always a little of both with the wimps, they’re just a bit more hypocritical about it.
But seriously, it’s crappy that their stereotypes hurt your chances at partners. It’s as bad as Catholics married to closeted gays, doomed to never have enjoyable sex. Stupid dishonest other people!