Why does he let me do what I do? In mandom, it’s so easy. No need to explain why a man would use his bigger body and muscle mass to hold her down and take her. The world we live in is made of that stuff. But that’s not my story. And though some people use that trope in femdom, like the idea of a small framed man and a Stanton-esque Amazon, that’s not for me. I like a man who is a mountain. I like his power – the broken uselessness of it. More fool me and my conflicting desires. I am pedestrian in my ideas of male aesthetics.
The usual trope in femdom is, of course, that she is so beautiful his freewill is consumed by a tsumani of selfish, self-destructive desire. This trope can never work for me. Sometimes I wish it could. It would be so much easier if I could stalk about in a cloud of my own desireability. But I have never had that. And there is a sore spot. A deceptively-deep puddle of hurt. I am not beautiful enough to have what I have. I am, for sure, not the type of women who gets called beautiful. I do get called pretty sometimes, I get called cute, but no one ever calls me beautiful – even if they are in love with me. That’s not my name.
Being dominant is so fragile for me. Not the desire. That could survive earthquakes. But the ability to do it? The confidence? A leaky balloon. Sometimes I just feel like a mess of tears and useless fists banging on his chest, like a romance heroine before they kiss, except for me those fists are the last gasps of my desire. The thing that defines me; the thing that has nowhere really to go. So my desire to hurt him feels sometimes like a futile resistance. Futile because I can’t just force him and then if I don’t believe he wants to because of a desire to please the goddess what else is there?
In some ways all I have, underneath what I do, is the idea that he is kneeling because he wants to – through desire or altruism. But sometimes that doesn’t do it for me. Complicity can be hot – but sometimes I don’t want him to overtly collude with me. Even though really, truthfully, this I always the reason these things are happening. But in the layers upon layers I am talking about another meaning. Mostly I don’t want that willingless to be my fantasy interpretation.
What’s left for me (- apart from actual role play which I am coming to love -) is nothing. A kind of nihilistic kink, where I am hurting him and there is no actual reason why he is letting me. I want it because I have the sado. He isn’t letting me because he can’t physically stop me. He isn’t letting me because his desire is like an illness weakening the mind. He isn’t letting me just because he is a pervert too. He is letting me just because. For no reason. I get to hurt him because he’s there, because I am.
Is that any kind of story? It’s mostly mine.
9 Comments
December 6, 2008 at 11:52 am
It is your story in its specifics (and a beautiful bit of writing, as ever) but the structure of it – the complicated confusing ‘layers upon layers’ and ‘in some ways’ and ‘underneath it all’, the final difficulty of ‘I want it because…I want it’ – rings a very strong bell with me, and (I would guess) with lots of other people who are, for better or worse, drawn to do these kind of things.
December 6, 2008 at 12:14 pm
I sometimes construct fantasy scenarios in which I am able to overpower him. I’m the Bride from Kill Bill, a mystic ninja assassin thingie, able to bring down any man with my unsurpassed fighting skills. Or I imagine tying him up when he is sleeping, and then having my way with him.
As for things being easy in mandom – I’m not really familiar with mandom dynamics, but isn’t their thing also more about mind games than actual physical “taking her”?
December 6, 2008 at 5:22 pm
I don’t think we need to have a reason to do the things we do. We enjoy them; isn’t that reason enough? Lots of people try to “justify” their interests/kinks, but I think just the fact that we’re into it is a good reason.
December 6, 2008 at 8:51 pm
Your depictions of female dominance are really among the very few that make my chest ache with understanding, my pussy with arousal. I get it, Bitchy. Just started reading you, but I get it. Thank you for sharing.
Janie
December 6, 2008 at 9:13 pm
It’s true I can overwhelm most women physically, and I do rather enjoy the whole struggle thing – but that’s only ever after they have consented. The hot thing for me is consent. Knowing that a woman will consent to let me do the things I want – many of which are disgusting, degrading, painful and wrong.
And I want to do most of those things precisely because she wants me to do them; she wants me to do them because I want to do them to her…
December 6, 2008 at 10:48 pm
He’s letting you do it because it feels so exhilaratingly good, and he probably can’t believe that it excites someone to do it. Is it that inscrutable?
December 7, 2008 at 5:24 am
I agree completely with pliable. To see a woman really turned on, that is amazing. And as for being turned on and cruel at the same time…. wow (wish a better word would come to mind but all the blood has gone elsewhere).
December 9, 2008 at 1:17 pm
Very few people are beautiful, femdoms included. Would it be wrong to think he lets you do it because you are sexy? Your desire and vulnerability are hot things that you can’t fake. Having the guts to be yourself is also far sexier than dressing up in a ridiculous manner. As cursed as you feel, I think you’re actually quite lucky…
December 19, 2008 at 4:32 am
Because he loves you because only you have that combination of inteligence experience and charisma.And yes beauty physical beauty.Even if you are not conventionally beautiful why worry.Who wants to be like Barbie or a thousand intentionally weak looking emaciated people.
I bet you have a prescence about you that any self respecting sub will be electrified by.