First things as first things. I am nominated for an award. Go and vote for me to win an award. Come on, come on, because, you know, if I win an award I might be able to stop fucking crying.
(Um, that is probably slightly melodramatic. But still vote for me.)
Then – caution and bewares: If you are one of those people who read this blog but have recently contacted me to tell me that you hate ‘rants’ you probably won’t enjoy the following. Although it is *not* a rant. This is because never write rants. (I also, just so as you know, never, *never* write ‘musings’: because I don’t know what they are, but they sound gross.) I just write considered opinion with added genius and swearing. Oh and if you are one of those people who don’t like me swearing (honestly if I wanted to please everyone this blog would just turn into cute overload) you are also going to be unhappy.
I am really not sure why all these people who hate (not actually)rants and swearing read me. Maybe they just enjoy it when I suffer. And, yes, you know, I will post soon about my continued and soul-bleaching suffering. But not today, because today my emotions are just underwater creatures swaying blindly in the current. Reaching for him, for the next thing or for emptiness, who knows? There is a space in the core of me. And it hurts. It shouldn’t be there all voided like that. But I don’t know what shape that space is. And I’m not even sure that the piece that used to fill it was the right shape exactly. I think perhaps that piece fits somewhere else. Some other special place. Or some other time. But I desperately want to fill that gap, find the right piece, but I know that space is all pulled out of shape right now. (None of this, you know, really, is about sex. But I miss the sex my body has – for the now – lost interest in. And maybe making my pain sound a little like sex helps. Or not.)
So, look, to business, humorous blogging prodom Mistress Matisse has pissed me off several times. First time was when I read her name, but, pshaw, that’s just blind prejudice.
She really pissed me off when she wrote this
Having sex with your submissives muddies the power dynamic between you, particularly with a female dominant.
From here
A sentiment that pisses me off no end. As I have both a dominant sexuality and a functioning vagina. AND I DON’T WANT TO HAVE TO CHOOSE WHICH ONE I GET TO KEEP.
That statement used to be somewhere on her blog but I can’t find it there now. Maybe she’s taken it down. For reasons I am coming to. But she has certainly not retracted it anywhere I have seen.
But despite the occasional snark I’ve been a bit wary about just MSTing her crap though because, honestly, I feel like people would think it was just me flinging my bitter, sour ugly-bitch grapes in her direction. She is a prodom and she also blogs and she’s my age and she is about a million times prettier than me.
It’s the prettiness really that makes me think people will think I am just jealous. Look at Bitchy Jones snipping at some other dominant woman on the internet who is way prettier and way more popular than her. And who dresses all properly dominatrixy. L@@K. Bitchy Jones – you ur teh loseriffic. Yeah, essentially, I’m worried about that. About having my fail revealed. My whole thing where I lose at being a dominant woman because the more tres belle you are the more pretty-pussy power you have and the more he will be weakened kitten worm putty in your perfectly manicured hands. In comparison to the groomed prodoms of this world I’m a wreck. A fate-knarled old piece of driftwood washed up on teh shore of kink. Made of mistakes and shabby attitude. A ball of ugliness and swearing. (Ah, yeah, sorry to you fuckers what hate the swearing.)
I once said of Mistress Matisse that if all the dominant women in the world were lined up in order of physical attractiveness I wouldn’t be able to attract her attention using semaphore.
And it is really for that reason – my shame at my physical attractiveness fail – that I’ve only snarked about her in a marginal way.
But hey, now I’m jacked up to my red-rimmed eyeballs on heartbreak and something Pan likes to call coffee, things are about to change.
So recently Mistress Matisse write an article for The Stranger listing ways in which you could get fucked without it turning you into a submissive. No really, ferreal with this shit. But before you run away going FFS, I should point out that this article is written in response to a number of people have been flocking to her asking this exact question. Viz: when I reveal my dirty needy vagina and the pleasure I get from having a cock repeatedly thrust in and out of it then it becomes noticeable that I am a woman underneath my strap on cock and my latex encased skin and my acting as if I never ever experience a messy estrogen driven emotional snafu and therefore everyone can tell I’m not really the dominant one and I fall out of top space (whatever that is.)
And Matisse responds not by repeating (or retracting) what she earlier about it upsetting the dynamic, or with basic gender politics (-if you put a thing inside another thing it doesn’t actually mean that thing is dominating the thing it is in. I used to shut X in a cage – him dominating the cage was never a worry -) nah. She responds with a list of ways you – a dominant woman – can do extra work for less enjoyable sex and therefore feel more dominant. Because obviously if you are sexually dominant you get your jollies off of things that make you feel dominant. Because now your happy is not only coming from the poking because that would be gross, and also submissive, or something.
And let us not forget (as if the prodom authored prevailing ideology would ever let us) that being a dominant woman is not about being turned on. It is about, as was so eloquently put here MIND BUZZ!
If you look at the sex tips presented in the article there is one thing about them all. One thing I like to call the dead fucking giveaway. Do any of them make him fuck me better? Harder? Deeper? Er, no. ‘Cause if you are being fucked as a dominant woman, don’t think for a second that it can be in any way about a whiteout of blisspleasure in and of itself. All you get to do is tease him with the prize of your cunt while you act indifferent. This article is all about how you can get fucked as a dominant woman so long as you remember that making him feel submissive is way more important that your pounding. Getting fucked? Nice? Don’t be stupid ma’am, what are you a submissive slut? Start saying it feels nice and you may as well roll over and welcome him into a bit of rape play.
But anyway, go read the article if you want or I’ll precis.
Tip number one is to tie him up and ride him like a dildo. No. I mean you can, but it isn’t *more* dominant if you’re doing the work rather than him. He fucks me. It’s what he does. And really, bouncing up and down on a mounted dildo is what you do when you don’t have a big burly old beast to fuck you (*sniffle*).
I mean, oh god, what is this shit. I’m also worried about my cup of tea dominating me so instead of letting it come up off the table to my mouth I hold it down firmly on the table and drink it through a straw – that showed that cup of tea who was the boss. In a way that makes no fucking sense. Also, yeah, additional bonus tip here is to wrap him in cling film because the less you allow him to touch your skin the more dominant you are. And that is just a fact.
Tip two is to tie him to a chair and bounce on his cock. Um, which is in no way the second tip again but with a chair. Actually no it isn’t because this time we add a butt plug. Because, remember being fucked doesn’t have to be submissive. Er, so long as he is being penetrated too just to make it, er, fair, or something.
Really. I never say this. But Sheesh.
Next up: Use some CBT to tease him with your cunt. Oh, for the genius and win! Yes if you want to get fucked and be dominant turn it into a game where he wants to stick it in you and you aren’t really that bothered because only men actually like sex. Or, oh yes, tie bits of things to him and work him like a puppet, because that is what’s so nice about getting fucked, doing all the pumping and thrusting yourself.
With string.
Seriously these are all like ways to use a man to wank with.
Blindfold him and gag him. Yes, cover up his face because no woman alive likes seeing a man’s facial expressions while he fucks her. Oh, but don’t use a completely opaque blindfold ‘cause men don’t like that. Oh, so he needs to get to see – but I don’t see him? Er, hang on, did you just give away that these are all tips that are actually about making the man have more submissivey fun instead of just doing what you actually want him to.
Now I’m all for men having submissivey fun, but if the only way to get a submissive man to fuck you is to suspend him from the ceiling so he doesn’t get bored and then go fuck yourself, it’s no wonder so many people mistake my sexually for some sort of service provision for freaky men who can’t get it up except with dynamite and sneering.
I am a dominant women and I like men who let me hurt then and then fuck me how I want without me doing a whole bunch of extra work. Shit, and isn’t that just the rub for a lazy bitch like me, the whole deal of professionalising dominant womanhood made it something that required a lot of work. Here’s me doing my sex thing and then feeling like the guy ought to get their money’s worth.
So you know, I break out the string.
Hey, how about he serves. How about fucking as service. How about some harder, faster, deeper?
Matisse pays some kind of lame, last minute lip service to this sentiment at the end of her tie him up and make your cunt something he is barely worthy of because if he fucks you he’s won SHIT, with this.
But it’s also a question of getting your own head into the proper space. You can just get your attitude on and say, “You’re going to fuck me exactly the way I say, because that’s what I want.” If you believe it, they’ll believe it, because you’re the Mistress.
Oh finally. But if you think that – and it does actually contradict the last thing I heard you say on the matter – and, um, the point of this column?
Thing is, look, if you are a pervert (hi) there is nothing wrong with finding new ways to hurt a man while he fucks you (which is good, because I don’t want to go to, like, *hell* or anything) but this article just can’t let go of the shitty dom woman stereotypes. At it’s filthy heart is the idea that dominant women are not like normal women. They can’t be. Normal women couldn’t have power over men. The idea!
Dom women have to be special. And femdom usually picks the laziest kind of making a woman a jewel. An untouchable, unsullied, (and therefore disease free) cunt. That most special kind of special women get from being chaste, from saying no, from NOT LETTING MEN FUCK THEM.
And failing that, if you really have to, minimise the impact on your specialness by restraining him and covering his skin and his face so that you are never compromised by that screaming bliss moment where he is over you, hot with effort, gleaming and glistening, fucking you hard because that’s what you want. Because it is actually pleasurably FFS! And he has to *know* how to do that that, because there are no orders coming out of me anymore, just animal noises.
That’s real for me. Why do I never find my sexual reality anywhere outside my own head. Unicornism? Or something else? And you know, I’m bitter, I’m pissed off, I sick of who and what I am being appropriated, bastardised and spoiled by people who reach a wider audience than me. It just means I still have to fight constantly against the popular idea of what I am being authored by people who are not me.
I am sick of being erased. I am sick of being talked over. I am sick of being ignored. And I am sick, sick, sick of kinky sex being based on the most ridiculous stupid sexist shitty ideas about what sex is and yet still thinking it is edgy and cool and some kind of more real version of sex just because, oh, we’re all marginalised and shit.
Guess what, you are not sticking it to the heterosexist vanilla man by writing an article about how getting fucked in the cunt is submissive unless… with a quick notion of oh, unless you just want him too. Especially when you have previously gone in record as not thinking that at all.
As I said once before in relation to her, way more people read Mistress Matisse than read me. This was when she had posted some thing about a delightful sounding footnight where being a dominant woman is yet again mistaken for being paid to be a man’s fetish object. And the point there was, and still is women looking for stuff about being dominant are way more likely to encounter her than me. Which is a problem. Especially if we revisit this time when she advised a woman struggling with sadistic feelings that wheee! you can make free money. Because feeling uncomfortable about the fact hurting men turns you on is silly and the best thing to do is get over it by seeing it as business opportunity. (A chance for mind buzz, I guess.) Or something.
You know how I feel: if hurting other people turns you on and you never, ever feel anything troubling about that then you’re either way fucking scary or you don’t actually feel that way at all. Because you cannot be a sadist and a human and think nothing about it but wheee! Hurting men is fun! Where is your soul, asshat?
Prodoms are full of that whee!sadism because, like all sex workers – or essentially the entire sex industry -, they portray a simplified version of sex. It’s dumbed down sex. Sex with the troubling crunchy bits taken out. Men pay prostitutes to leave. Men pay prodoms not to worry about what it really means about them that what they just did to him made her brain throw a bucket of pleasure at her sugar walls.
The real problem with prodoms is that they are more than happy to keep up the illusion that they are the identical same thing as actual dominant women. But they are not. I guess they thought they were safe as they had made dominant women extinct by making the world of femdom so repellant to any women who wanted to hang around recreationally.
But then whoopsadaisy because here comes Bitchy Jones, kicking your strap on pricks, and knowing, actually knowing how this shit feels on the inside. And somehow staying here even though this world keeps me teetering on the exciting edge of a rage-based heart attack.
I mean have you ever noticed how the way prodoms dress and act is more like the way drag queens dress and act than anything to do with real women. Since when did being dominant = being more like a male authored idea of a woman than an actual woman. Well since male authored ideas of women took the place over.
The essential problem with the prevailing ideas of dominant women is that dominant women do not control their representation. Submissive men do. Through prodoms. And don’t even start with that stuff about how what prodoms do is just what they would be doing anyway, they just happen to have some dear sweet special boys who pay them to do it. It’s just bullshit.
Oh, I just do this because I love it! Oldest marketing strategy in the world
Unless econmonics actually works differently between prodoms and their clients than it does everywhere else on earth. (HINT: It actually doesn’t.) Kinky sex as desired by women is different to kinky sex as entertainment for men. It just is. Men and women want different thing from sex. Some subtle. Some huge. But there are differences. That is why most sex involves a bit of wiggling and give and take. But the idea put about by prodoms that the stuff they do for paying clients is identical to the stuff *I* do for private jollies (or should if I read all their articles and started getting it right) is ridiculous. I mean, why actually *would* this thing be the same? ‘Cause porn and actual sex are identical as we all know.
If you are a prodom with a wishlist-heavy online presence that links back to a website where people can pay you to dominate them please stop giving advice to dominant women as a fellow dominant woman. Even if you also are dominant in your personal life. You can’t potray both because they are too different. They serve different ends.
You can either speak for prodoms or dominant women. Not both at once. There is an obvious conflict of interest. Male fantasies are not real female sexualities. Do people really not know this? Well, they do. Everywhere but here.
Give advice as a prodom sure. Go for it. Make bullet pointed lists. But leave off making like you are like me. Leave off controlling the representations of women like me. And, really, don’t you fucking dare try and tell me how to get fucked without feeling all submissive and that. Get right the fuck away from ideas about how domiant women like to be fucked. Especially when you are already on record as saying you *do* think it is all submissive and that to get fucked. Or it fucks with the dynamic or whatever form of prodom double speak you are choosing to cloak your asshattery in.
34 Comments
January 23, 2009 at 9:46 pm
Let me preface this by saying that I usually agree with your rants. (And yes, they’re rants, but I like them
I don’t agree with this one, though. I read Matisse as well, and while I don’t always agree with her, either, I think you missed the point of that article.
(I never saw the earlier quote, so I’m going entirely by the more recent article)
There *is* a HUGE misconception in the world that penis + vagina = dominant penis. And a lot of even lifestyle dominant women buy into this because it’s a worldwide belief. (There are exceptions, but any country touched by Christianity has this belief, and some that weren’t)
There’s this weird, inverse belief that if raping a woman (taking sex) is about the power of the (usually male) rapist, then withholding sex must be about the power of the woman.
So I think Matisse’s point here is that vaginal intercourse *can* be female dominated. Period. The rest is window-dressing for women who aren’t yet confident enough in their dominance to have what *looks like/feels like to them* vanilla/male-dominated sex and still feel dominant.
It’s a confidence issue.
Am I confident enough to have missionary position sex (which feels very submissive to me) with my submissive and still feel dominant?
I dunno, frankly.
One day, when my partner agrees that I can have sex with my boy-toys, then I’d like to find out.
(Speaking of which, that’s another reason many women are so determined to differentiate sex and BDSM: some of this are doing the kinky shit outside of our primary relationships and the rules are that we don’t get to have sex/be overtly sexual with our chewtoys. It sucks, because I get just as aroused from hurting the boy as I do from a long session of foreplay with my partner, but *shrugs* them’s the agreements.)
January 23, 2009 at 10:08 pm
Tricks to avoid turning submissive while he’s fucking you? This is no better than male doms pronouncing “Women get fucked, ergo all women are submissive.”
I think as women who have a dominant sexuality, we get so bombarded with messages about women and men all the time which try to impose notions that don’t ring true to our own inner life and experience, we find out that pronouncements by other people very, very often simply don’t apply to us. From early on, we get used to saying “Another one of those. Not me.”
The problem is, as you say, representation. Advice from the viewpoint of pro domination is not about my sexuality.
If at this moment I were just starting out exploring and learning about kink for my own private life with my beloved, and this text by Mistress Matisse were among the first ones I came across as supposedly representing female dominant sexuality, it would contribute to repelling me from the whole thing: “So that is what they call femdom, huh? Another one of those. Not me.” Not in spite of me being dominant, but because I’m dominant.
January 23, 2009 at 10:13 pm
Brilliant, well not-ranted.
January 23, 2009 at 11:09 pm
I’m sorry I missed the part in the D/s bible that says “Femdom according to (insert name here)”.
I love how people complain that vanilla isn’t for them because they can’t conform to vanilla ideals… only to proclaim that their idea of D/s is how it should be…. blah blah blah… world without end.. .ahmen
Bitchy you’ve embraced this lifestyle to how it fits you, and hopefully your partner shares the same view. It’s all about compatibility and nothing else.
Anyone that says there is a proper way of doing this or doing that when it comes to d/s is just spewing shit. Make it your own… everyone else can frankly F.O.
January 23, 2009 at 11:59 pm
“Male fantasies are not real female sexualities.”
Usually not, but maybe they can be sometimes, in individual situations, if you get really lucky?
I mean, when you wrote about Jack it really sounded like he was turned on by what you are, by your actual sexuality. Although I supposed that just because he’s turned on by it doesn’t mean it’s his fantasy. For me, though, it’s hard to be turned on by anything unless it is pretty close to my fantasies. Doesn’t have to be the ultimate version of my fantasies, but something in the neighborhood at least.
“…most sex involves a bit of wiggling and give and take.”
True. As a dominant woman, does your “wiggling” usually just mean you don’t push him as far as you want? Or does it mean you actually order him to do things that don’t turn you on, because you know they turn him on?
January 24, 2009 at 2:40 am
“(-if you put a thing inside another thing it doesn’t actually mean that thing is dominating the thing it is in. I used to shut X in a cage – him dominating the cage was never a worry -)”
You have the best examples in the history of the universe.
January 24, 2009 at 2:49 am
I agree with this ran–errr, entry. I would try to make some witty connection or comment, but you pretty much said it all.
January 24, 2009 at 4:36 am
I’ve just started reading you, and I’m so happy to read this rant. Honestly. I’ve never understood the appeal of Matisse. She’s ubiquitous, and snarky (but not in a good way), smirking (but not in a good way), and self-satisfied. She plagues the episodes of Dan Savage’s podcast that she infects, and the web is not enriched even remotely by her banal postings. Everything you wrote herein is right; may you snatch all her readers (except the ones who are banal, like her).
January 24, 2009 at 5:33 am
I wanted to throw out a few thoughts that were prompted by your latest post.
Fucking vs. getting fucked. Now it could just be me, who has always been the more sexually aggressive one in my relationships, even before I realized that I had dominant tendencies, but I’ve never thought of my participation as something as passive-sounding as “getting fucked.” Even on my back — that involves wiggling, making noise, talking, touching, scratching, biting, etc.
As well, I rarely think of myself as being penetrated: more along the lines of taking, surrounding, engulfing, devouring.
Too bad more people don’t realize that it isn’t necessarily the act itself that determines who is submissive or dominant, but the mindset of the people involved.
Love them active verbs!
January 24, 2009 at 4:27 pm
If it’s any consolation – you may not (believe yourself to) be as hot as Mistress M, but your blog fucks hers with a twelve-inch strap on, then pisses all over it for good measure (so to speak
Seriously, that layout is uglier and cheaper looking than Alicia Douvall.
I know I can’t talk, of all people – but then again, I haven’t got a load of punters (sorry, did I just say ‘punters’? Meant ’slaves,’ sorry) to rustle me up a better one for free
Furthermore, you’re a way better writer than her -
and if you hadn’t said otherwise, I would have assumed you had a way bigger readership.
Although I have to say, on this particular point, I do sort of agree with her – and I’d always tend to think penetration =domination too. But what the hell, that’s just me
J x
January 24, 2009 at 7:16 pm
Loved this. Laughed out loud at the tea-dominating. And at ’suspend him from the ceiling so he doesn’t get bored’.
January 24, 2009 at 10:31 pm
An excellent post, Bitchy, fuelled by some most-definitely righteous anger.
Gah! These twin myths: a) that putting one’s penis/fingers/other phallic object of choice inside someone automatically means that they’re submitting to some amazing innate dominant power your phallus has and b) that dom women’s vaginas are somehow prizes to be yearned for and won by good behaviour and are of course in no way attached to feeling & thinking women, are both absolutely odious, and yet somehow omnipresent. It makes some right idiots of the poor men who get suckered into this ideology, but more importantly can end up harming the dom women who buy into this bullshit too.
Ok, on a less serious note, I really want to get all bitchy and snarky about that photo of Ms Matisse, but I won’t, it’s beneath me.*
*Complete lie. Of course I’ll snark. Asymmetrical leggings? What is the woman thinking?
January 24, 2009 at 11:22 pm
The irony about MM is that she says a lot of pompous stuff about being a domme,when the man she lives with,without charging,is a dom.She switches and I’ve never read her saying she was submissive because she got fucked.
January 25, 2009 at 12:14 pm
Bitchy, I’d LOVE for you to win the Weblog Award. To give yourself a fair whack
please do the following.
Make a new post: Title the new post “the 2009 bloggies”.
Explain that these are the oldest weblog awards on the ‘Net: that you have been nominated in the category “Best European Blog”, that your readers can vote for you (and blogs in other categories!) by clicking on the link, and then scrolling to the right till they see the Best European Blog category. Then tick the radio button next to your blog: keep scrolling to the right, voting in the other categories if they want to (they don’t have to): until the very end of the page when they need to enter a valid email address and a captcha check. Then click submit (even the Dom/mes) and then, when the verification email arrives in their inbox, click on the verification link.
And that’s it. I have now voted for Bitchy Jones for Best European Blog, and a few other blogs along the way.
I hope you win! But you’re not likely to unless you make clear to all your readers that you are up for this award, that they can vote for you, and that this is HOW to vote for you. People can only vote once in the Bloggies, but you can keep reminding people on a weekly basis till the voting closes, or even in every post, by linking back to your original post in which you explain all.
I agree with everything you’ve said about the Matisse.
January 25, 2009 at 7:36 pm
I voted for you! I hope you win!
To be honest, I did find some of those scenarios pretty hot. Especially the one with the clingfilm. But it is kind of horrifying that someone thinks women need to go through all that rigmarole just to be dominant, when a dominant man can just lie back and have his cock sucked and not worry about it.
January 26, 2009 at 10:26 pm
I was curious about the idea that Matisse has more readers than you, so I checked the stats in Google Reader (my RSS reader of choice). These are the number of subscribers to your blogs, and mine just for reference/fun:
Mistress Matisse: 531
Bitchy Jones: 403
Me: 124
On Technorati, you can see your “authority” (how many other blogs have linked to you over some time interval) and how you rank overall in all blogs ever (though how this is measured I do not know). Here we get:
Mistress Matisse: 101 / 46513
Bitchy Jones: 90 / 54625
Me: 17 / 351919
Yes, I’m jealous. Jerks. But my point is, you are really in the same vicinity as MM, and you don’t (as far as I know) have a magazine column. So that’s interesting.
January 27, 2009 at 8:42 am
Dear god, I’m glad you exist. If I had never come across you, I’d still think femdom was total asshattery and completely irrelevant to my life. For the millionth time, thank you.
I’ve voted for you, natch.
January 27, 2009 at 3:39 pm
You know, I tried to read that Mistress Matisse woman once, but I found she’s a total asshat and it pissed me off.
You know, I grew up in this Christian, male-dominated, blah blah blah world of ours, and I have *never* understood how being fucked/fucking/sex/whatever you want to call it is in itself a submissive act. The idea is ridiculous.
On a related side note, I agree with Molly, you make the best comparisons Bitchy Jones!
Sex is supposed to be an act where all parties get their jollies, what the hell is submissive about that? Honestly now.
Heck, I’m a submissive, and I don’t think the sex has *anything* to do with my submission. In fact, sex is the one sure time where I’m not being submissive because I’m too busy making sure my man fucks me how I want to be fucked.
You know, when I was younger, I was much more of a Switch… but all the submissive boys/men I talked to wanted me to cater to their wants and needs – it was ALL about them. It felt very… out of sorts with my personality – I am way too selfish for that bs. I gave up the idea, and just went with my submissive side so I could be catered to. Much more fun. Reading you for the first time (way back) my braind screamed “I knew it! I knew something was wrong damnit!” So you’re my hero Bitchy. You make the world make sense. You are a voice of reason, screaming and frustrated, but reason nonetheless. You make so much more sense than the asshats! Thank you!
January 28, 2009 at 3:23 pm
Well, I’ll take my “prodom hat” off and throw in my two cents as a dominant woman:
Most of the time, I don’t need cock. I like to get off way more often than I like to fuck: that’s my wiring. From your blog, Bitchy, it seem like you’re in the other camp: cock is almost always an appealing idea. Both preferences are perfectly fine.
But if you’re in my group, being fucked (and it is “being fucked,” if you can plan out your grocery list during it) might feel a little… service-y. And it’s not a big turn-on at the end of your scene to engage in vaginal sex if that’s not what you really want/what gets you off. But at the same time, playing is what riles up my submissive the most, and I like the idea of him getting to experience orgasm when he’s that keyed up. Cuz… y’know, I love him.
So, my resolution to fucking when I’m not especially in the mood has been similar to Matisse’s: make it into a topping exercise. That’s more interesting than lying back and thinking of the Queen. And after he’s gotten off (or before… whenever), I can get off in the manner of my choosing.
Personally, I don’t see what’s so wrong with that. As I said before, it might just boil down to different women having different feelings about penetrative sex: cock doesn’t do anything for some of us when it comes to getting off.
January 29, 2009 at 9:40 am
I posted a friends-only quote, and a link back here, from my blog. Hope that’s OK. You’ve made a few points I REALLY wanted to make but didn’t have the words for. I appreciate it :}
January 30, 2009 at 4:29 pm
E said:”…and it is “being fucked,” if you can plan out your grocery list during it…
lying back and thinking of the Queen.”
SEX – ur doin it rong.
January 30, 2009 at 11:13 pm
WinDom – Something like 30% of women are able to orgasm from vaginal intercourse alone. The cock isn’t a magical orgasm stick. In fact, I find it incredibly distracting: if you want to guarantee that I will NOT get off, stick something inside me.
I’m certainly not the only straight woman on the planet who generally feels kind of ho-hum about penetration.
Penis in crotch: eh.
Face in crotch: Always YAY!
January 30, 2009 at 11:21 pm
Yeah, well, different things do different things to different cunts. Me? I don’t come from being fucked – but I love to get fucked.
What I resent is the idea that is so entrenched in femdom that having a cock in your cunt is somehow less dominant (and hence needs enhancements) than having a tongue in your cunt.
Really, god, fuck that noise.
January 30, 2009 at 11:26 pm
I mean no prodoms are writing useful advice articles about how to tie him up while he gives you head so as he doesn’t feel all dominant. Of course, you *can* – but no one suggests that you ought to or you are failing at dominatrixing
January 31, 2009 at 7:58 am
I say, if you don’t really like fucking, don’t do it. There’s nothing wrong with not fucking, or only fucking every so often because you want to be kind to your partner and he or she really likes it. If it’s about wanting the guy to get off, there are a lot of ways that can be accomplished, and surely you like some of them.
I mean, I guess it’s all right to use fucking as a dominance exercise even if you don’t really like fucking, but…whatever. Mostly if you don’t like to fuck I don’t see why you’d do it.
January 31, 2009 at 6:15 pm
Oh, Bitchy.
This is by far your best rant about prodoms yet.
February 1, 2009 at 4:48 pm
Just discovered your blog the other night, and it’s been a terrible time suck ever since. Even worse that you keep linking your previous posts which, from the Snap preview, clearly need to be read. Which then link to more posts which clearly need to be read, and so on and so forth, and my laundry is still unwashed, but oh well.
I personally thought the rope-over-the-shoulder thing was pretty hot, but it ought to be something that people do – that *women* do – because they think it’s *hot,* and not as a substitute for some other kind of sex that they think they can’t or shouldn’t have.
So basically, this post is pretty awesome. And the tea comparison, best read while not actually drinking tea.
One thing though – and this may be asking for it, but – I kind of get where that “mind buzz” quote you so hate is coming from. Or think I do.
Of course, it’s phrased very badly, and the generalization of it to all women was just fucking idiotic. (But then, I suppose eloquence should not be expected from someone who calls herself, “Mistress Absolute.”) But I don’t have any trouble believing that she was saying something that is true for herself.
I don’t know, the things you say about sex on this blog are interesting; but they are also alien to me, personally. I don’t relate to what you write about sex.
I can be physically stimulated, and I can orgasm, and it feels really, really nice and all…but it’s the part of being sexually aroused that I actually like the *least.* I prefer the – well, I actually can’t think of anything better than “buzz” myself, how annoying – of being turned on by ideas and sights and sounds, not any physical sensation applied to me.
I think that’s much *better* than an orgasm, or any sensation that results from direct contact with my bits. I resent, just a little, physical intrusion on that feeling. It’s a letdown. Maybe I’m just more interested in the process than the end result, or maybe my pussy works differently. I don’t know.
So if, “Mistress Absolute,” hadn’t generalized her comment in a Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus sort of way, I’d see no issue with what she said. I’d honestly not have interpreted it to mean that she doesn’t think she gets sexually aroused.
Well, maybe not *no* issue – I suppose there is the issue that it’s one more thing in the media suggesting women can’t/don’t have sex drives. But on a one-t0-one basis, if she doesn’t much…she doesn’t. It’s *also* frustrating to keep having it suggested to you (directly or otherwise) that you’re “repressed” or similar.
Basically, all the messages always boil down to: female anatomy = ur doin sexx0rz rong. No matter how you’re doing it.
Anyway, this is probably long enough, so I’ll leave it there.
February 10, 2009 at 9:39 pm
I enjoy your blog and I mostly agree with this entry. However your consistent putting down pro domme’s because they choose to get paid for their kink is hard to swallow.
My best friend is a pro-domme. She’ll be the first to tell you that she’s in a service industry and that what she does really is service topping, not dominating. (Any time someone tells you what to do to them and then hands you cash to ensure that you do exactly that you are serving them, not the other way around.) She would also agree with you that it sucks that the skinny latex clad model is held up as the ideal domme because she knows it isn’t true.
However, none of that makes her any less a real domme. She picks her clients both because they pay and because they want to indulge kinks that also get her rocks off. She keeps a personal slave boy that has nothing to do with money and no, she doesn’t fuck her clients. Not because fucking them would suddenly make her subbie, but because they are paying for an image and because she likes to stay in the gray areas of the law.
Pro Domme’s are far more like strippers than they are whores. Their clients pay for an image and a fantasy. Rail at the fact that men hold pro-domme’s as the only version of female dominance, but don’t hate the women who choose to service top men who have that fantasy in exchange for cash.
February 11, 2009 at 10:35 am
Fate, you may want to read the entry again.
Where is it presented as a problem that pros get paid for doing their job?
The problem is that it deeply harms us, and it deeply harms submissive men, when pros pretend to represent and speak for dominant women who are not pros. If they do it, they do it because the prevalent extremely distorted perceptions of female dominant and male submissive sexualities work to their economic advantage.
It is not just men who hold prodoms as the only version of female dominance. There are prodoms who do exactly that, because it is in their own interest. It is the same as if vanilla sex workers pretended that their job represented female vanilla sexuality in general.
If your friend doesn’t participate in propagating this distortion, she has more honesty, integrity and professionalism than Mistress Matisse and other pros who do exactly that. That is good and honourable. She is not the only one; there are other pros who are honourable too, and do not lie and try to present their work as something it is not.
It actively harms me when by default my sexuality is mistaken for a prodom’s job.
Since the propagated distortion actively harms us, I don’t see why BJ and other dominant women, as well as submissive men, should not speak out against it.
February 11, 2009 at 4:40 pm
I think I get it now.
How does it actively harm you though? I mean beyond having to spend an extra 5 minutes on negotiation?
(And I’m not being sarcastic – I’m serious. I’m lucky enough to have found the kink world of conventions and groups at the age of 18 and have been surrounded by people who are understanding and all about helping others seek their own bliss.)
February 11, 2009 at 8:15 pm
How does it actively harm you though?
In the same way as it actively harms any woman who’s presumed to be a sex worker just because she’s female and females exist to service men for pay.
That prodommes have chosen to get paid to service male fantasies about female domination does not give them the right to speak for all women who get off on dominating men for fun.
February 11, 2009 at 10:14 pm
Just found your blog, and I’m full of trite praise-ness (apparently). Thank you for your well thought out and impressively written posts! I’ve been trying to figure out where I fit in kink-wise, and you’ve given me questions as well as answers.
I’m proud to ‘know you’ and get a chance to understand your experiences, even from this far remove. I hope you keep writing!
Have a great week!
February 12, 2009 at 4:00 pm
What jesurgislac said. In my case, in addition, I myself believed the propagated lie for quite some time and mistook pro domination for “femdom”. It was ubiquitous in ads, magazine interviews etc. Complete turnoff. I was implicitly sexually dominant insofar as we did what I wanted. To recognise my fantasies about men in chains, as servants, crying and so forth as what they were, dominant and sadistic, I had to rid myself of the toxic lie that the pro version which turned me off completely “was” the face of sadomasochism.
Not from my own experience, but others’: If submissive men see themselves by default as client and a woman as service provider, they routinely exhibit behaviours that turn dom women off. BJ has described various bizarre examples.
Sadly, pros profit from sub men being ashamed of their own sexuality. Consensual humiliation talk is fine as long as everyone knows it is just talk. There are men who actually believe that a man’s submission is disgusting and no ordinary non-pro woman would ever want to have anything to do with it. They believe they have to present their submission as unattractive, unsexy – see this blog for details.
Many, rather than seeking compatible partners, keep their submissiveness secret and cheat on their partners. Pros who propagate client-pro as the default have no interest in ordinary kinky women finding out that a man’s submission turns them on, and men finding out how their submission can be sexy to a kinky woman.
February 13, 2009 at 10:45 pm
Hello BJ – I found you today through the post of an LJ acquaintance. I just wanted to add in my praise for a well-written essay, and to mention that I really particularly liked your comment about domme clothing being more like a male-authored version of what the image of a dominatrix should be. You struck a chord there which could bear further cogitation, if you are so inclined.
Also love the metaphors: you have a wonderful imagination, and I think you are probably much harder on yourself for your own appearance than anyone else would be.