Oh shut up. I mean really. Stop telling me to stop hating on prodoms, submissive men, shoes, strap ons, what ever the fuck else. I hate on femdom. All of it. I hate on everyone and everything that has made this world. And I hate it because it sucks. And you are all part of the problem until you start helping me fix it.
What’s broken stupid femdom got to do with me? Here’s what. You know one day, someday, the clattering pieces of my broken heart might start to fix themselves together like the iron man. I might live again. I might want to find a man who can keep my suspect edifice upright in air, as Atlas did the sky.
And I’m going to want to find one who likes to crawl and be called filth and hurt. But guess what? All of those men have been ruined. Spoiled. Poisoned by dumb porn and dumb prodoms and a dumb culture based on porn and prodoms. (It’s essentially the same thing prodommery is just live action porn for a small audience.)
Look at this. Do I even need to MST this myself. Swiped off of Informed Consent – here is a submissive man’s mindset as I have experienced it time after fucking time, email after fucking email.
No, really, what is it with shoes (stilettos, boots, business sandals, you name it) that turns us upside down, us poor submissive shoes fetishists ? I’ve had trouble explaining it myself, and yet I should know first hand. I’ve come to the idea that to me women’s shoes are the visible part of their dominance. Their “penis of sorts”, I guess.
That would explain why whenever I see a nicely “shoe-ed” Woman, my submissive genes kick up immediately. And that would also explain why, if after that I realize she does not have the attitude(*) to go with it, I’m very disappointed. Up to the point I see her as a fraud then ! (all this without having said a word to that poor girl, of course !).
You can imagine just how confusing a female submissive wearing stilettos is for me
But what is it in for you, Dominant Women ? I understand nice shoes are not that comfy, so there must be something else
Do you feel more powerful wearing specific shoes ? Are there “magic” pairs you just slide in and feel magically imbued with some extra power ? Are they just a tool of the trade ? Do you enjoy the response you get from your submissive ?
I’m not ignoring of course that shoes are also just plain pretty and desirable ! But I’m discussing their BDSM impact here.
Or maybe some among you specifically chose not to go that route, feeling Dominance is whatever you bring to the table, and it does not lie in any accessory. That’s the sane route, of course. But still, one can’t deny the power shoes have on many of us, poor things.
So, what’s in a shoe ? Thanks for your insights, people !
(*) when I speak of attitude, I refer to the over all “stuff” in a Lady that makes us, submissive men, know who’s in charge, whatever it is. And not any obnoxious “cliché” attitude that anyone can fake.
Call me damaged, lazy and small, but I just can’t even be bothered to take the piss out of this shit
25 Comments
February 12, 2009 at 2:28 pm
Here, let me do it for you.
Shorter Submissive Man Email: “Wah, I’m the sub, why aren’t you doing what I want?”
February 12, 2009 at 4:06 pm
There is *so* much that gets posted on Informed Consent that is worrying, deranged, self-obsessed, and generally makes me think: “my god, who on earth do these people think they are”. It’s hard to know where to start, talking about it; but I seriously do wonder who to be more scared of, the people who see the place and think “I’m a bit kinky, *this* is what I should be trying to be like”, or the ones who say “you’re kinky, *this* is what you should be like”. The former are more common but the latter are louder. If anyone ever wanted to write a book on “what’s wrong with BDSM”, IC would be a great place to start.
February 12, 2009 at 9:39 pm
I think it MSTs itself well enough…
February 12, 2009 at 10:41 pm
Yes, that’s one of the reasons I’ve become fed up with guys who frequent “the scene” (virtual spaces included): they want the shoes, AND the attitude, etc.
THEY want
they WANT
THEY WANT.
It’s always about them.
Puuuahhhh!
February 12, 2009 at 10:47 pm
And me, I have neither the shoes, nor the plastifaced ‘tude.
I just don’t think I can be bothered. Maybe I can just have my vagina sealed off or made into a museum or something…
February 13, 2009 at 1:53 am
Bitchy, a thought occurred to me (a thought which has most likely already occurred to you since this is your domain) and, at the risk of ridicule and exclusion, I’m going to say it. What if …
Well, what if you ditched the ‘FemDom’ tag and made up your very own (yet similar) BDSM subset. (Seems to me you already have, actually, only it has no name yet.) Far be it from me to give it a name or anything since I only know as much about this stuff as you tell me, but I have no doubt you could come up with the perfect ‘tag’. And, really, FemDom IS broken.
OK, so maybe this is escapism. But also it could be a renaissance. Or just a crazy, laughable idea from someone who doesn’t know enough.
Just wish I didn’t feel so damned responsible for FemDom being broken. How do I help fix it??
February 13, 2009 at 2:37 am
Wow. The words “epic fail” come to mind.
I very strongly believe that there are a lot of people, both men and women, who want to be in a woman-bosses-man-around relationship and have nothing to do with this garbage. Of course, it’s harder to find them. But they’re out there. I hope that once your heart is feeling more robust you’ll find one, or several.
February 13, 2009 at 11:35 am
Dear Bitchy-
I am going through a similar thing right now. I had to move 10 hrs away from him due to work. He’s not getting his ya-ya’s and I am getting these bitchy little “poor poor pitiful me”emails about how he isn’t getting his needs fulfilled. WTF!!! I’m not getting fucked or getting MY ya-ya’s out either,but I’m holding myself up and getting on with things. FemDom is a fucking stereotype and needs to be thrown in the fucking garbage. There ARE men who are as fucking tired of it as you are. But it will be a slog through the bullshit for them to find you. Keep being yourself and you will heal and, when you are ready,there he’ll be..PS, I don’t wear the goddamn shoes!!!I refuse to..Its my party!!
February 13, 2009 at 3:11 pm
Yes, how do we help fix it?
February 13, 2009 at 4:38 pm
Keep being yourself and you will heal and, when you are ready, he’ll be there
This made me cry and I really thought I was done crying
February 13, 2009 at 7:00 pm
What a surprise, I don’t think femdom is broken, but then I never subscribed to it in the first place. I think it does exactly what it is supposed to do, it allows the male submissive to blow off some steam, release some pressure whilst still ultimately remaining in control. All this bizarre behaviour is unacceptable for these guys in their real life so they go to pro-dommes or, more cheaply pornography. If there are truely dominant women, and I have never met one, (mind you its not like I have ever been looking), then they must be confusing to these guys.
I wonder why certain fetishes such as high heels, stockings and suspenders, nurses, school girls etc come about. Like all men, I enjoy looking at a woman in attractive clothes but it is hardly essential if I am intrested in making love to her. The guy you quote seems to be more in love with the shoes rather than whoever is wearing them – which is pretty strange.
You can’t blame the pro- dommes and pornographers for taking advantage of free spending idiots any more than you can blame the bookmakers for accepting bets from gamblers. I can see how it may be annoying if it directly affects your own sexuality but would you be happy with a guy who loves your shoes more than he loves you? I hpe you find someone Jones, but I really don’t believe that there are that many genuinely submissive men out there – perhaps a lot of guys who really want to go back to the time when their mother took care of them because being a grown up is rather hard, bot not many of the type of heroic submissive guy you seem to yearn for.
February 13, 2009 at 7:14 pm
Eh ,
why do you bother blogging if you are not at all interested in other people’s opinions, apart from the small band of sycophants who repeatedly agree with absolutely everything you say .
They are not going to tell you the truth so let me
do you a favour :
The behaviour of passive aggressive whingeing and drowning in self pity that you exhibit not only has nothing to do with femdom , but is completely and utterly off -putting. Period.
Not only in women , I guess in men- would you honestly be attracted in someone crumbling apart from his own insecurities.
All I say is – pull yourself together , and enough of that retarded ‘broken heart’ crap…
February 13, 2009 at 8:20 pm
Must not feed the trolls, must not feed the trolls…
February 13, 2009 at 11:52 pm
Obvious troll is obvious.
And Toni, a man who wants a replacement for his mother isn’t ’submissive’ – he’s ‘infantile’.
I don’t understand why women who seek ’sugar daddies’ get one stigma, but men who seek ‘replacement mommies’ get another.
They’re both the same fetish, and neither of them has anything at all to do with dominance or submission.
February 14, 2009 at 10:20 am
I just wanted to give you something to bitch about (you know, return the favor since there must be some reason I keep reading your blog.) so I stopped by to tell you I have an anal kink. Yep, I love playing with guys butts and I enjoy using a strap on. Single fetish guys are boring to me but I don’t see me going after a guy who has receiving anal as a hard limit either. Not that I’m looking. Anyway I’m quite happy to be part of your problem and just dropped by to let you know.
February 14, 2009 at 11:43 am
Just like femdoms, submissive men are first and foremost humans. They have needs and wishes. This one is a shoe fetishist. It is not feasible to expect him to ignore that, and there is no need to ignore his fetish, because out there are women, who love to project their power by wearing a symbol of that power.
I don’t believe in long-term femdom-malesub relations where the malesub can put all his needs and wishes behind the huge need to submit. Male subs do not submit to “anything”, but both partners have to be compatible.
This goes of course the other way too. A femdom will not have a relationship with a fetishist if she does not share or at least tolerate that fetish.
February 15, 2009 at 11:01 am
N H dominant women are human too.And the one who runs this blog is often a little more human than most.
Obviously having feelings and being hurt is not what Dommes do.They are invulnerable and never show their feelings because that is week.Is that the way you think.
Knowing that she can be affected by the people she is with just means she has been and is in love.And if she cries and shows a depth of feeling then to me that makes her infinitely more attractive than a cast iron “domme”
February 16, 2009 at 4:20 pm
I can’t help but think that what bitchy really objects to is the cartonization of what “Femdom” is supposed to be.
But I also can’t help but think that maybe it would be more fruitfull to give a damn about the labels and just concentrate on finding out what you like and finding someone compatible. And not care about the BDSM-choires that seems to think they can define other peoples kinks and behaviours. Trust me, like is so much easier without that.
Of course, being a switch I am way off the map in any case – so don’t bother too much about what I think
February 17, 2009 at 12:15 am
What can I say? I love the shoes and the muscular legs that were them. Gimme them shoes girl in my face and make me suck on them til the cows come home.
February 17, 2009 at 5:02 pm
Hmmmm. I like women. I especially like women who are aroused and excited and a bit freaked out by hurting me, because part of me wants to prove I can take it, and because part of me wants to see what happens when I can’t. That’s kind of weird, when I think about it for too long, so I don’t think about it for too long.
The point is that it is about me, about what I want, because frankly, no-ones going to tie me up and hurt me unless I actually really want them to. Ask? You practically have to beg. In doing so, I’m saying I like being hurt, and degraded and called names, and this is kind of hard to accept, because, Yo’know, I’m a nice guy and I read books and wanting all that seems a bit bloody odd.
So it just being about a person who likes to be hurt looking for a person who wants to hurt, and trying to make that work somehow is very wierd indeed, and apart from anything else where are you going to look? Do you ask on third date? Fourth?
So imagine the relief when you find it’s all part of a scene, with rules and dress codes and funny ways of talking and everything. “Phew. I’m not a bit wierd, what with the liking the hurting and the shouting and the spitting”, you think to yourself “No need to find some otherwise suitable partner who wants to hurt me, I just need to follow these rules and it won’t be odd at all. it’ll be completely normal”
It’s not just that femDom and prodom is broken , though it is, it’s just that it strikes me that its set up to give men who like to be hurt a whole load of easy ways out of admitting why they really like to be hurt (and probably giveing women a whole load of excuses for likeing to hurt men, though I don’t really know about that, not being one)
Then you discover that if you’re a submissive, you have to pretend it’s not about you at all, being all submissive and that.
Which is where the lying comes in.
Lying that you don’t really want to be hurt and degraded, so you end up with some version of you pretending not to want to suffer and instead actually interested in something completely different instead. Like being a coffee table. Or a hat rack. Or shoes.
Lying that this isn’t sex, but about serving the goddess, or some other such nonsense, when it’s all about sex, but you figure you can only trick your partner into buying it if she’s pretending to be Hera, or Nefertiti or something.
Lying by saying that actually it’s all about the attitude, or the style, when what it is is you like to look at women in tight black outfits, cause frankly women in tight, revealing clothes are sexy-hot (Well, they are. They don’t suit everyone though. Brad Pitt would good carrying heavy chains and being forced to dig a ditch, while I’d look like a lorry driver at some grown up form of fat camp.), and combining this with the wanting to be hurt is good because if it’s the sexy catwoman lady doing it, that makes the wanting to be hurt very much more OK.
and the biggest lie of all – that Pro Domming is anything other than prosititution with a fancy name and more dramatic eyeshadow.
So it’s maybe a hell of a lot easier to buy into all that than to just say I’m a pretty normal person who likes to bit hurt, and have stuff done to them, and maybe more stuff than I even know I want done to me, and fuck it, that’s alright.
Or I could be talking out my backside, of course.
February 18, 2009 at 5:47 am
I started reading the excerpt with the expectation of laughing or sneering, but, no kidding– a lump in my throat. Impending vomit, or tears?
He starts by explicitly identifying himself as a “shoe-fetishist”, but for most of the rest of his little essay, he speaks with assumed authority on the nature and being of submissive males and dominant females– that’s not to say that tragic droves of self-identified “submissive” men wouldn’t agree– but that’s the trifle, in the scheme of things.
He says, “I’ve come to the idea that to me women’s shoes are the visible part of their dominance. Their “penis of sorts”, I guess.”
(Why does he put the entire phrase in quotations? Is he TRYING to make the metaphor weaker? I’M thinking of a metaphor with dead horses in it.)
He associates dominance with:
1) possession of a penis, or the penis itself
2) non-essential garments worn to protect, insulate, or decorate the feet (worn by humans, horses, dogs, cats, Barbie dolls, and plastic Macy’s display feet)
…He is not attracted to dominance– he is not attracted to women. The things to which he has attributed his lust are not even human. Yet he expects– DEMANDS; BELIEVES WITH THE BLIND FAITH OF INFANTS– that WOMEN who are HUMANS bend themselves and their SELVES to feed his alien desires.
But I forgive him, for the appalling nausea. I have plenty of bizarre little fetishes: the very thought of hypodermic needles and warm, damp, frightened male skin makes me physically aroused. So, now and then, it’s nice to see that in comparison to some people, I’m not THAT much of a fucking freak.
February 18, 2009 at 5:58 am
@binky : What you’re saying is valid– because you’re describing your own, personal tastes and fetishes– but you don’t speak for everyone. You cannot say that all submissive men lie in this or that situation, or that they feel this or that in another situation, because you are not all of them, and because there is a good chance that a particular tastes (e.g., you enjoy submitting but only if someone submits to YOU by begging you to do it) will not be shared by all or the majority.
Perhaps an example is more illustrative: a sadistic friend of mine has, in her dubious “possession”, the blanket consent of a man who is not a masochist but who, for whatever reasons, enjoys submitting himself to be hurt in whatever ways she pleases, some of them quite extraordinary. Of course, I am getting all of this second hand, but I am told that he weeps quite sincerely, and it is only a very few and very clever actors who can manage to fake that. I daresay he’s spilling the truth, wouldn’t you?
February 20, 2009 at 5:50 pm
The overall “femdom scene” is pretty sad to me. Most of the public parties are shit, because, well, as one party-goer confided to my submissive, he just wanted to touch as many women’s feet as possible before the end of the night.
It’s not fixable at the moment. What’s wrong with the main femdom scene is the same thing that’s wrong with the rest of society: it’s horribly sexist and makes women out to be objects. The people at the SM club are the same people who make things suck in the rest of the world. They’ve just changed into latex.
Femdom is full of cliques, just like any other group. My advice is to find yours. Meet kinky people who have similar views and tastes, and hang out with them. Or… maybe you’re just better off being kinky on your own: I was kinky in my bedroom for years, before I talked to anyone else about it, and I was OK with that.
Either way, it’s difficult to care about what dumb things the others are doing when you’ve got your own good thing going on.
February 21, 2009 at 7:42 am
My favorite “who’s objectifying who?” email of the year (so far):
I have a strong need to be objectified and dehumanized. I want a woman to dress in black latex and smoke to make me weak and unable to resist and turn me into her footstool.
February 24, 2009 at 12:56 pm
Hah, sometimes you crack me up. A normal vanilla man would say you are broken. There is something wrong with you. And here you are, in your love lost agony, taking it out on another who also has a fetish. While I often agree with some of your points, aka that femdom is broken, I also disagree. You see, it depends on your viewpoint. For some, it is broken. Maybe that’s because you are trying to find what you need there, but that’s the wrong place for you to look. For some, as one observant poster put it, it is the perfect place because of all the silly rules, and because those rules make that person feel that their kinky needs are ok. But it’s all in who you are and what YOU want. That goes for both sides of the equation by the way. If that guy wants a “femdom” who wears pretty high heel shoes, then I say, “good for him.” At least he professes to know what he wants. I wish him the best of luck finding the right person for him. And isn’t that really the rub here? Finding the right person for you? Let’s kick the labels to the curb, and while we are at it, let’s kick the judgemental attitudes to the curb as well. We’ve all been labeled, whether those labels were correct or not. Beating each other up only causes the community more pain (and not the good kind). And, if you want a man who likes what you have to offer, without all the silly femdom rules, then so be it. I wish you the best of luck as well. You see, both sides are going to have trouble finding what they want, and that’s the sad part. It’s no different than in a vanilla relationship really. Men want certain things, and they are rarely the same things that women want. Of course, the opposite is true as well. Women want certain things, and it’s rarely the same things that their men want.
Here’s the main piece of wisdom I would like to impart. The best way to go into a relationship is with no expectations. Expectations will always be disappointed. And then you are left with blaming your partner because they didn’t live up to who you wanted them to be. Instead, go into the relationship with open eyes and SEE what your partner has to offer. If it’s all good enough for you, then that’s fucking fantastic. And if it’s not, then it’s time to walk and find another option. Everything else is just shit. Expectations are bullshit. And yes, I understand that that is what you are railing about. My problem with your post is that you are castigating someone in the process. Someone who also has feelings and wants and needs. Sure, not your needs. He’s not you. Get over it and move on.
I also recognize that this post puts me squarely in the same crosshairs that I’ve put you in with this post. I have responded in kind, and that makes me the bad guy as well. Crap, I guess I’ll just have to suffer the slings and arrows with you, only from a different direction. ;?)
Lastly, let me say that a healthy relationship almost always includes a LOT of compromise. I am currently married to a vanilla woman. I never expected her to understand my kinky side. Maybe she still doesn’t, but she tries. She tries to give me what I need. And that is a beautiful thing in and of itself. I loved her long before she did this, and I will love her long afterwards. I try to give her what she needs as well. Sometimes I fail miserably, but I keep trying. True love is about living for the other person. And that is what is beautiful. That is what is worth stiving for. It really doesn’t matter what you are into sexually or otherwise. When you find that, then you are at the end game.
Bitchy Jones, I wish you the best of luck finding it. Everyone deserves to find theirs. Take some time to heal, and get over the bruises on your heart. Remove your expectations of what you have to have in a relationship and just accept what comes your way until you find the right one. I wish you the best!