So essentially, when it comes to kinky sex tips, I got nothing. I am not going to start telling you how to do bondage with cat litter or how to make a quick and effective bullwhip out of all the discarded thigh high fishnet hold ups you have lying around.
But I do got this.
How to make your kinky more fun and exciting with intertexuality. Now, honestly, I don’t really do stuff that involves much of a safe word, and also there are probably rules about how safe words are important and should be snappy and easy to recall in the heat of the oh-jesus-christ moment, but, look, fuck that. Here’s what’s fun.
Just tell him, just make it clear, that from now on there is only one effective safe word. And it is this: Do it to Julia! Do it to Julia!
And if you were wondering how awesome I was. Precisely that awesome is the answer.
23 Comments
October 2, 2009 at 4:32 pm
You are clearly suffering from an excess of awesome to come up with that one.
October 2, 2009 at 4:33 pm
I have a pet rat by that name, by the way.
October 3, 2009 at 2:49 am
You know, I think that is the best safeword ever. And now I wonder if I could do some sort of political 1984 scene.
You know, when I still had my pet rats (I had to rehome them when I moved in with Grandma. She’s not a rat fan, for some reason) I used to threaten my boyfriend at the time with them. I kept telling him that if he pissed me off, I’d put them on his balls in his sleep.
I wouldn’t have done it though, because it would have confused and traumatized my babies.
October 3, 2009 at 7:45 am
Mwaaaah hah hah hah hah!
Love it!
Enough to have tea coming out of my nose now. Slightly less funny.
October 3, 2009 at 8:02 pm
One problem: that safeword will not, in fact, work if your name is in fact Julia.
Other than that, total and complete win.
October 4, 2009 at 6:56 am
Oh my god, that’s awful. In that so-bad-it’s-good way.
October 4, 2009 at 8:21 pm
Best. Safeword. Ever.
October 5, 2009 at 6:44 am
Oh my god this post is my favorite post ever. Bonus points for gratuitous use of the word “intertextuality,” which is one of my favorite words.
October 5, 2009 at 10:46 am
FREEDOM IS SLAVERY…
; )
October 7, 2009 at 3:31 am
I’ll use that as my safeword from now on. I think I can remember it.
October 8, 2009 at 12:45 am
Wowie. Nice test for the boy…
October 8, 2009 at 9:35 pm
Gasp! Using the Orwellian “Do it to Julia” as a safeword evokes my fantasies of being emotionally and psychologically broken way beyond the point of catharsis. It reminds me of another Orwellian set-up where the only acceptable way to plead for temporary mercy would be to request more or other punishments. Naturally the requests for more or other punishments would be granted. Thank you for a hot blog.
October 10, 2009 at 10:25 am
Ha! This reminds me of Alan Moore’s pornographic parody of 1984: “Imagine a patent leather boot grinding on a human tongue forever.” Ooh, literary/geeky/kinky nerdiness is the best.
October 10, 2009 at 5:15 pm
Lia,
We’ll use ‘Do it to Winston! Do it to Winston!’ instead, of course…
October 23, 2009 at 6:49 pm
We havn’t heard from you in weeks hope the holiday is going well.Don’t make us beg for your you.Second thoughts do make us beg.
October 23, 2009 at 7:14 pm
Do it to Panty_Buns !! Do it to Panty_Buns !!!
November 1, 2009 at 11:06 am
I hope you are on holiday or writing your book.Or you have found the one you love.Perhaps you realise that having to conceal yourself from the public as Bitchy Jones means that it cramps your chances of meeting people.Whatever I hope its only good things and nothing sad has happened.
All the best love and hugs.
Femsup
November 4, 2009 at 10:00 pm
I echo the hope-nothing’s-amiss sentiments, and would just like to add “More Bitchy, please!”
November 6, 2009 at 11:04 am
I was thinking that wherever you are you might appreciate this music video. I got it off my friend Pandora Blake’s blog. The music is pretty meh in my opinion but the visual are hot as fuck. Hot, topless sweaty bloody bound man wearing lots of guyliner gets flogged to bits (by a fat ugly beared dude, but who’s looking at him) and thrown, fainting, into a cage. For extras there’s swordfighting, pirates, and guns. It’s incredible. The singing in the cage bit made me think of “Close Every Door To Me”. Only with guitars and emo.
http://link.brightcove.com/services/player/bcpid1676043123?bctid=41739972001
November 8, 2009 at 12:07 am
Unrelated, but I saw this and thought of you. It’s nice to know that you’re far from the only one who thinks that guys like this are nuts.
November 11, 2009 at 4:22 pm
BWAHAHA. This post. Yes.
And honestly, “kinky sex” can be as complicated or non-complicated as you want when it comes to mechanics. Sometimes I just like to say “fuck it”, put all the toys away and just poke and prod and slap and hit and pull until he cries anyway.
@carolinegrey
That video is delicious. As long as you turn the sound off. The longer I listen to that guy sing, the more I want to make him cry (which is just more of a turn on, so actually it’s strangely rewarding).
The beginning reminded me of that Count of Monte Cristo scene. I was sad there wasn’t blood though. There should have been blood.
November 14, 2009 at 11:12 pm
I think Bitchy is experimenting with us.I think you dominant women should take up the cudgel and make this site your own.(Bowing and scraping low) all hail our prophet Bitchy.
November 20, 2009 at 1:04 pm
Do it is better than don’t do it!