Okay, so here’s the thing. You know me, I love a pun.Punning is the highest form of wit because it combines stupidity and poetry. And those are the two most beautiful things in the world. Well, after biceps and tears and cocks twinkle-sparkling with precome in the midsummer sunrise… (God, I started to sound a bit like a fucking pagan or something then. Which I’m not. (Although that may be surprising seeing as how I am a fat white woman that doesn’t like to wash so much.) But I am not. I heart science. Sorry. Sorry, science.)
So, look, the thing about punning and kink is that as kinky sex don’t change much, it is still, even after a thousand years of endless marching forward into infinite futures, still essentially about the same thing. So, see, most of the puns – you have to understand – kinda done. Especially the most common one where a phrase in common usage is made, uh, hilarious, because of certain context. Really. This has to stop.
There are certain words you associate with perversion: kink, ropes, whip, etc. And there are certain phrases in general use that might have those words in them. Those two true facts do not mean that using those general phrases in kinky contexts, or, say, kinktexts, counts a (a) funny (b) clever (c) acceptable in any way. (Really, not when you have your whole life ahead of you.)
Look, I’m not saying it was never funny, but let’s face it, it really probably wasn’t.
And because this is important. Trust me, my head is throbbing and my eyes are blurring and my ears are dripping blood like I’m about to start yelling for chrisitng Sookie!, just thinking about this. Here are the phrases you need to stop using in relation to anything kinky. i.e in kinktext (has that caught on yet?). We need a form of zero tolerance. I propose that we ban all these phrases from use as smug kinky in-jokes. And everyone reading this swears (just reading these words means you agree and swear properly and everything and I can flick you on the nipple if you don’t comply), but yeah, you swear you will absolutely not sex anyone who transgresses. Promise. If we all stick together we should have these cringers gone in about a year. It basically the plot of Lysistrata (I can wait while you google it, you blunt fucking pencil) with a few minor tweaks and a much more serious end goal.
We can add to the list, but these are the first phrases that need to be gone.
Ironing out the kinks
Anything like this. Just no. I think this is one for which mandoms are often responsible. ‘Cause, you know, men being funny is all macho and shit. Laddish. (Eurgh.) So there is a style of mandom that is full of the cracking of hilarious zingers just to show how heartless they are about their poor victim’s poor victimy predicament.
This would be fine if the jokes were actually funny. But most mandoms are thick (look, I don’t know why, but they are – maybe it’s a dominant trait seeing as how it’s uncanny how many dominant women have the exact same IQ scores as small piles of damp sawdust) and so the jokes are lame. And he never finds out just how lame because (a) thick and (b) assumes the lack of laughter is down to the gag. How wrong you are, captain, how very wrong.
(No really, I saw a mandom say this on some bit of low res crap on You Tube. (Hey, remember when you could get, like, anything on You Tube? Remember when all you had to do was type ‘bondage’ into the You Tube search box. Yeah, I got a lot less done then. (No, really, even if for that to be literally true I would have to be erasing things from my hard drive.)) But, yuh, mandom says this as he removes the gag off of tied up woman and replaces it with other – presumably more horribler gag, but I forget, my attention was waning fast – and he goes, between the two gags, just get the kinks out, or something. So obviously ha, ha, ha, don’t all swoon at once femsubs, he’s the whole package! And also he seemed somewhat unreasonably boastful about gettting one over on a woman who was tied to a chair. Yeah, dude, fiendish!)
(I am very sorry about the use of tense in the last paragraph. I don’t know what happened but we clearly lost a wheel.) (And I think we may have been on a unicycle.) (Which is really the most worrying thing of all.)
I recently saw a new I was a prodom and here is my memoir book called this. (Well, I say “new”, I’m not exactly sure what the women writing these books are bringing to the table where we keep the reservoir of all human knowledge (it’s a big table – yeah, big enough to have a reservoir on it…um, anyways): Essentially there is a job called prodomming. It involves everyone dressing up. The men are creepy. It’s subtly different to other kinds of prostituion. Great. Thanks for taking the trouble to write that down, ma’am. Really, we could never have done it without you.
But, yuh, anyway, Whip Smart. Heh. Good title. Clever. Or, you know, it would be except that every other prodom memoir book ever written is, like, also called that.
Learning the Ropes
Hey Mandom, yes you, Master Bator. You rope top, Afficianado of the delights of the restrained female form or what ever fucking nonsensisical borderline misogynistic guff you have decided to spout today. (Oh, yeah, look, forget that. I know, I know, it not all about the woman hating. (Well except when it is. (But bondage is hardly unique there.))) But anyway, at least now I have your attention and I am going to use my direct line into your soul to say, look, sir, please, godamnit please, please,when you run your bondage “workshops” (quotes there purely to be facetious) just try not using the phrase ‘learning the ropes’. Really, like, just try it. You might like it. Not looking like a twat, that is. (Course if you find you enjoy not looking like a twat even more than you like tying up women you might have to rethink your sexual choices, but hey, that’s your problem, daddy cool.)
All Tied Up at the Moment.
Femsubs, this one is mainly for you. (I know, I know, it was hard having to wait so long before you got any attention. Thank god you managed to do it without unleashing the big guns and getting ‘bratty’. I can’t tell you how grateful we all are.) But, yeah, so, you’re on a kinky forum. You’re making a profile page. You’re posting a pic of yourself. Or maybe, you’re the type to post several million pics of yourself (you know who you are), but look, anyway, fine, go for it. Enjoy. As I am pretty sure you have to wash your inbox out with boiling dettol every morning more power to you for grabbing your fun where you can. But, sister, wait! Wait right there. Photo caption time. Think once, think twice, think about rethinking captioning that pic of you upside down in the hempy harness that celebrates the ancient Japanese art of Atari as “I’m all tied up right now”.
Comedy is a tricky thing. A subjective thing. Not here though.
Yeah, ‘cause, like pleasure is nice and so is bondage (you know, if you like bondage). And then bound also means heading towards (or whatever, I’m a tetchy, low-frequency blogger not Dr fucking Johnson). So yeah, cool. Lots of meanings. Cle-vah!
Yeah, great, sadly biggest meaning of all if you use that phrase to title your kinky website, or niteclub, or life, is I am either so clueless I don’t know this has been done a hundred times before OR I’m just an idiot. Don’t advertise these things about yourself. They are not sexy. Hey, free advice: if you’re trying to get someone interested in your action, try and hide your flaws. Then when they are later revealed they may provide a useful early get out for a relationship that is beginning it’s natural painfully-disappointing wane.
See also Bound to Please. Or don’t. In fact, instead, poke your eyes out. With pokers. That’s what they’re for after all. That’s why they’re called that. Pokers. See? Or rather don’t see. ‘Cause you poked your… anyway. Fuck, though, Bound to Please. It’s so clever it’s stupid. And, it’s not actually even clever.
Women on Top (or, alternatively Girls on Top if you like pluck at one of my most hopeless, gossamer-flimsy, hair triggers and call women over 18 girls. Unless you want me to be thinking pigtails and lollipops, the word you want is women, you pathetic, wilfully ignorant fucktard).
This phrase is actually especially hateful. It the first femdom specific one and I hate every single last thing in femdom that carries an implied ooh weird, women in charge OMG whatever next vibe) which is shit for me as that means I basically end up hating the whole of femdom: from the ridiculous caution! caution! of making the word dom into the word domme, right up to the fuck me that’s so submissive sub-man iconography where he’s doing the fucking ironing (Jezeus!).
So, multiple bleh points to Women on Top. Which is (a), like the others in this list, lame and tired like my poor ransacked heart. But, yeah, also (b) implies utter sexist shit i.e. the lamity-crap that women being in charge is so unusual and weird and down right wrong that it need to have a fucking lampshade hung on it every time it happens (I do not like this – I am shy and sensitive and lampshades itch) (see also Girl Power)
I’m sure there are more over used stupid kink phrases. Kinky cliches, or kinkliches (come on!). Why not tell me yours. (And if you are feeling creative – why not be your own cut out and keep Bitchy Jones by adding a paragraph of pointless swearing to illustrate your frustration. Really, it comes easier than you’d think.)
(I would also like to see the end of the cleverly (aka stupidly lamely unimaginatively) co-opted song title. ‘You Always Hurt the One You Love’ , ‘Hit Me Baby One More Time’.)
Of course, I suppose, the problem is, without these things, most kinky magazine articles, conferences and workshops are now not called anything at all. Which is a shame, of course, but I can’t solve everything. There are only so many hours in the day. And I need 22 and a half of them for sorting out my own problems. (Or messing up my own life. End result is pretty much the same.)