Fuck Me

*deep breath*

I am a dominant woman and I do not have a strap on cock

And it may surprise you to learn this, but they actually aren’t compulsory. They are also rubbish. And here I shall outline why I think strap-on play is a bunch of fucking crap and has absolutely nothing to do with a dominant woman taking her pleasure from a man and, as is often the case, my voice will be like a plaintive howl in the wind. I am the Cassandra of female domination

Because, yes, strap-ons, aren’t they great? Aren’t they the bloody business? Flick a few straps and you have a big butch penis with which you can bugger your merry way about the place.

Actually, no. Strap-ons fucking suck.

You see, the problem with strap-ons is, they are not actually part of my body. No matter how good the harness is, they’re not actually attached to my central nervous system, which, forgive me, is kind of the big deal with the penis. Some of you have got one, right? You know how it’s got all those nerve endings? You know how it’s all sensitive? You know how that’s kind of the whole damn point?

Is that clear? Want it clearer?

I. Cannot. Feel. Anything.

And guess what – there are many, many parts of me that are wired for sensation. Nice sensations. I like my genitalia. If I’m having sex I would like to use them, actually. I find that rather more pleasurable, freak that I am.

Being vaginally penetrated feels nice. You do know that, right? What are you? From Victorian times? You do know that women enjoy sex, right? That women enjoy penetrative sex?

Why does so much of femdomland act as if being vaginally penetrated is some kind of huge annoying inconvenience to women that we are never going to grant you because – oh, you are not worthy. And yet strapping it on and doing you up the arse is, like, our biggest ever thrill. Like, that would be our choice of the two.

And, no, fucking someone with a strap-on is not empowering. Having to use a rubber cock to fuck someone is – I think – rather the opposite. It’s like an admission that a woman isn’t equipped to fuck and dominate someone. It’s equating the dom-fuck with the penis.

Having to strap a phallus to myself to be a dom? Empower me backwards!

Listen carefully and you’ll hear the oh so subtle message of strap-on play: You need a cock to be on top, you need a cock to be a dom, you need a cock to fuck.

I mean really, seriously really, does no one else think that it is *fucked* *up* that scenes of a woman dominating a man often culminate in her doing a more politically dubious drag act than your average forced fem session.

A culture where femdom sex puts more value on strap-on up arse than cock in vagina it is saying that the person on top, doing the fucking, intrinsically has more power than the one on her back getting soundly pounded. Which really isn’t true. There’s a lot of nasty things I can do to a person when I’m underneath them, close to their belly and their chest and their nipples. Things that they can’t really stop me doing because their arms are busy bearing their weight and doing all the work of fucking me extremely nicely and hardly

( – whenever I want, however I want, again and again… and get yourself hard again now, darling, you’ve had your five minutes…come on, stop crying, it can’t be that sore already, it’s only been six times…, until they’re exhausted and begging me – oh, please – not to make them do it again... or please, could I at least not have the nipple clamps on this time…?

Because really, that thing where the orgasm starts to hurt after the fourth or fifth time – such a nice design feature. I mean, you know I don’t go in for natural order of things talk, but if I wanted evidence…)

I mean CB 2000 users can buy a strap-on for men to wear over the damn cock cage. For fucking women. The point being: fucking with a strap-on is so pleasure free it’s a way of the woman getting her fuck without chasteboy feeling anything fun.

Do you see? Because strap on fucking is pointless and rubbish for the fucker. Another branch of the femdom corporation has given you away. Can you say, own goal?

If you want a woman to stick something up your arse, fine. But that is what is happening. She is not fucking you for *her* pleasure. She is not making you her bitch. She is doing you a favour. My objection to strap-on play isn’t to the act itself so much as it being the femdom come shot.

Shouldn’t the femdom come shot involve the dom’s actual cunt?

Fuck strap-on play. For serious. I’m a woman. I get to get fucked *and* be the dom.

I get to lie on my back and still be on top.

I win.


Filed under bdsm, chastity devices, femdom, feminisation, fetish, kink, lack of commitment to the lifestyle, male subs, the made up truth

111 responses to “Fuck Me

  1. ” My objection to strap-on play isn’t to the act itself so much as it being the femdom come shot.

    Shouldn’t the femdom come shot involve the dom’s actual cunt?”

    A feminist femdom? About time!!!

    P.S. I think I love you. Platonically, and intellectually, but it’s admiring love all the same. Keep up the excellent writing.

  2. But I thought you had a small penis, why wouldn’t you want a strap on?

    Seriously, though, I don’t own on either. And probably never will. Can we add that it’s ridiculous to call ass fucking a man ‘punishment’? Helloooo – prostate, anyone?

  3. Girl!

    Ha! You only want me for my mind.

    And, you know, there so has to be a good feminist/femdom word pun. I am nuts for word puns. But I can’t do it.



    Ack. It will come. I can wait

  4. Reciprocity

    (*shush* my tiny penis is our little sekrit.)

    God, yes, the arse-fuck as punishment. I think there was some cut stuff somewhere about my biggest objection to up-the-arse being that it didn’t hurt enough and that thrusting takes work I could be using for *much* more painful (and therefore fun) things

  5. Well, when he asks, and you know he will … you can always use this: DIY partner for Bitchy .

    Only because I just got stood up for not owning a strap on; I felt my first one should be in your honor… er, rather, to show you how inadequate that beany-weenie is.

  6. *cough* *clears throat* *cough*

    Yes. I am highly outraged that the Femdom Corporation has taken the symbol of male power, the symbol used for thousands of years to represent Men, and tried to convince women that they can’t be true dominants without it. (I take symbols very seriously and actually use the expression “It took a lot of ovaries to pull that off” at work. It has not caught on after some years, but I’m still hopeful.)


    So, while I share your outrage I must say….er….aw, c’mon, it’s frickin’ hot when they are all bent over and vulnerable and taking it up the……


    Listen, if I ever start to publish my fiction (not likely because my fiction writing is pretty weak)…but if I do, there are certain parts you are going to have to skip over. There is sometimes screaming in those parts though, so maybe I’ll highlight the special screaming sections for you.


  7. Weeell, you *could* make a special ‘Bitchy’ cut of your fic with all screaming all the time. Or you could just put some crying in.

    I will forgive *everything* *else* if you just hit them hard enough and long enough that they lose control of their tear ducts.

    And, hey, publish your fiction. You can clearly write.

  8. You know I thought the same thing about strap-ons until I actually bought one and used it. Besides the fact that the visual is so attractive – the biggest rush comes when you make them suck it and you shove their head down and they gag :D

    yeah, payback’s a bitch

    The thrusting part is cumbersome at best, but it’s not so bad when you find a dildo that takes vibrating bullets. Then it can be fun.

    What I find amusing are Doms who think “taking a penis in your body” is inherently a submissive act. Receiving a penis into my body is no more submissive than receiving guests into my home. My body, my home, he cums when invited or not at all.

  9. Not sure what you mean about the attractive visual. Do you mean you like the way *you* look with an erection?

    Also, you know, this was a long post and I cut quite a lot of stuff about cock sucking, which I think I am going to put into a follow up post because the issue of power and control when one person is on their knees sucking and the other is ramming a huge phallus down their throat is one on which I have one or two things to say.

  10. Crying, got it. Crying. Will do.

    As far as fiction writing, well, talking about sucking….shrug. Writing an erotic narative above the prose quality level of a Harlequin novel seems to escape me. Blogging is sooooooooo much easier.

  11. A breath of fresh air. Rage, frustration and satisfaction. A real person behind the barbed-wire honeyed words. Someone, surprisingly, that I can relate to in some alternate universe. Dual realities. Expectations and dissapointments. Life is a Bitch and you’re going to be the QB. As is your right.
    I’m rambling. Sometimes I do. Stumbled onto your site by accident. Serendipity. Glad I did. My own site is so new I haven’t really begun. I hope it is as honest as yours.

  12. Mark

    The mighty phallus is probably always going to represent domination,control, power etc etc.

    Do-ee and done too and all that. Hard to avoid that fact, even if it doesnt make alot of sense for a “Fem Dom” to utilize a male symbol.

    I mean, your a woman, so you should dominate with your all powerful poo-nanny ‘tween your legs.

    Or just use the fact that deep down inside men are scared shit less because they can’t figure you out.

    Dominating the guy while he’s on top ? Umm, I guess you could look at it that way, but what is to keep him from getting up and walking off ?

  13. Bitchy, you seem to be absent. I’ll answer.

    Um, helloooo.
    Leash, body harness, over-bed-suspension.
    Or, um…desire?

  14. Mark

    Well, I was going to vote for the his just not wanting to get up, or as you put it “desire”.

  15. Jack – thank you.

    Mark – (thanks Reciprocity – nice link) – I have had an awful lot of crap experiences. I have endured an awful lot of shit that has been framed as ‘submission’, but I have never actually had a problem with a man getting up and walking off. (During intercourse! Does this ever happen? Is this a new thing men are doing?) Um, there is always some degree of complicity in these things.

    However, the fantasy or faking of non-compliance is very hot. If you’re playing that game you can tie him to stuff, hit him with stuff and burn all his clothes before you start.

    Also, I don’t see why you can’t be the one being done to and still be in charge. The doer is often on the bottom. For example, the boot licker is the doer in that kind of scene. I like having stuff done to me that feels nice. And I like ordering men to do it. And then hurting them when they don’t do it quite right.

    Works as ‘on top’ for me.

  16. Elizabeth (you were in spam, by the way, I was starting to think that was fixed).

    If they cry I will not even notice what your writing is like.

  17. I agree.
    When I first got a strap-on – admittedly to play with girls, and in my pre-Dom days – I had all these high hopes for it. It really didn’t live up to them.
    Having tried it now with boys and girls, I’ve decided it’s true, there is no physical thrill with the things. However, the psychological excitement can be good if you’re into gender-bending. Lots of women really connect with their strap-ons, and enjoy using them to role-play a boy for a change. That’s certainly the main reason I’m still into strap-ons.

    Can I just say, Bitchy, I really like your posts. Keep ’em coming hon!

  18. Thank you Psyche.

    Not sure about the strap-ons with girl/girl thing. I suppose at least you can then take turns to be the one who can’t feel anything. Although, you know, you do have this thing on the end of your arm called a fist – but I’m no expert in that area.

    I have a lot of *raging* opinions about gender bending that will probably vomit thmeselves up here one day.

  19. You know folks; Bitchy never said there was no power in anally pounding a man. Or that she’d never ass fuck. Or that….aww hell.

    You just don’t get it. We don’t NEED peni. We have yours.

    And yeah- getting up and leaving mid coitus has never been a problem I had to consider, but maybe Mark knows something we don’t, Bitchy.

    Also, what about Dominism? I don’t think it’s quite as catchy as Fauxdom; but I’m with you. I’m not the faux one.

    Your lack of comment on the harem I’m working on scares me. Come, convene. There are rules and prizes to discuss.

  20. Did I not say that I don’t do it? I don’t, but that’s not important.

    I think I’m going to make another post about this.

    Also, your harem is terrifying.

  21. How about this. If we have to wear strap ons, you have to wear pussy pants
    so we can fuck your faux pussy with our faux cocks.


  22. Oh, I DO apologize. No, I don’t think you said you didn’t do it at all. I was just trying to say that, all that stuff everyone said about it aside, the point was you don’t need a penis (you already have one, albeit tiny).

    I will do it on occasion, but they have to bring the strap on. And take it home. It’s a favor. Not a fetish.

    As for the terrifying part of the harem; you did catch my soy-latte comments at Elizabeth’s– right?. You’re lucky it wasn’t Kissinger.

  23. The pussy pants link doesn’t seem to work. Which I am very glad of, because just so very no. That is so *fucked* *up*.

    *I* have the pussy. The pussy is in charge.

  24. Oh, then you are really missing out. Because there’s a faux-anus on (this is the best part) *this* model. As in, there’s more than one. So much wrong stuff on this site. But some awesome latex wear.


  25. Every once in a while, a blogger comes along that bursts into prominence like a supernova. Bitchy, you’re it at the moment!

    It appears you have it worked out for you – do what you want and let your partner work it out. I look forward to reading more about what that looks like for you!

  26. Thanks for the supernova line – very appropriate

  27. Reciprocity

    All I can say to you is ‘No!’

  28. Glad I got your panties in a bunch. No indeed.

  29. The first time I read about strap-on play I shook my head thinking I might be dreaming: all that exertion for so little – any? – pleasure. Though I gather there is a double headed device – feeldo I think – that does afford the woman sensation.

    Being bisexual there’s no humiliation in being penetrated by the real thing. But being buggered by an artificial object sounds agreeably dehumanizing.

    But overall much of what goes on in Femdom Land that depends on gender role-reversal just seems like an ugly way of reinforcing boring old sexist norms. I’m happy to be a guy. Hopefully I’d have been happy to be a woman. My gender is the result of a roll of the DNA dice.

    I do hope at some point you’ll take on one of my own pet peeves. The whining sissies. They seem be possessed of the most self-hatred. And this whole hypocritical nonsense that being made to take on feminine qualities somehow glorifies women just bugs the heck out of me.

  30. Everytime femdom feminises the man or masculises the woman they are saying that man-on-top is the thing.

    Feeldoes are not the answer. Apart from the whole, what? I can hold something in my vagina in order to get some vaginal sensation – well thank you so much! How fucking kind! You want me to feel something in my vagina – come here and fucking fuck me. They also fall out. The vagina is not a penis, or a hole to mount a penis in. It is to stick a penis in – and I am pretty much happy with that.

    Also, I like a nice lie down.

  31. And sissies, well yeah. But they *know* what they’re doing is a bunch of misogynistic crap. How could they not. They hate women. A lot of male subs do.

    What use is it me pointing it out? You just said it.

    Then again, maybe.

  32. Great post, well said. But “penetrative sex”?

    It looks to me like your thrust in this post is in the name of the female perspective. Can one really be dominant if one is on the passive receiving end of a verb like penetration?

  33. I gave this some serious thought. I belive strongly in words and the harm words can do if used thoughtlessly and I am forever getting people’s backs up by getting on their backs about the words they use.

    But I think this is right. Yes, I am on the passive recieving end of pentration. And am also having something done to me that I enjoy. That isn’t submission.

    There are a lot of cases where the doer is the sub and the done to is the dom. Boot licking is an example I gave before. A lot of service submission is the same. Fucking as a service. Nice.

  34. kathy

    Why is the woman on the receiving end of “penetration” during penetrative sex. Isn’t sex mostly mental? The actual organ placement is almost irrelevant.

    Which brings me to my next thought. I understand, bitchyjones, that you might vomit up something about gender bending, and I’m curious about why it is that you have such strong opinions about it? I’d like to hear your take on it .

    Fucking my husband with a strap on is, like with hitting and whipping, cutting with razors, punching, biting and kicking, using the largest sex organ. The brain. I am totally turned on by his crying out in pain by begging me to stop, by the actual act of thrusting into his space invading him, just as I am by the act of whipping him and the sight of marks left behind. Looking at his bruises the week after play will get me revved up and I’m not even touching him.

  35. Okay, just trying to tune out the stuff about the whipping and the razors and the begging so I can respond.

    Do what you like. I try hard not to say things about what indivduals do, I’m more concerned with prevailing culture. However I – contraversially – don’t agree with you about the biggest sex organ being the brain. You can stroke my brain as long as you want – it isn’t going to make me come.

    Mmm, bruises… Sorry, what?

  36. Fucking as a service. That’s a very old one (possibly The Oldest?), but an interesting one.

    Obviously, context is crucial, and playing with these kinds of ideas is on balance a very good thing. Especially when one is highlighting that “service” is a two-way street as far as sex and gender goes.

    But given that both parties possess genitals, nerve endings, cns – which includes the brain- and so on, sex acts between willing parties can never really be a one-way street as far as the “service” dynamic goes, whatever games one might enjoy playing with the idea.

    A man who doesn’t get pleasure on some level from “servicing” you probably won’t put himself in that position. So by being serviced, you are also servicing him. By definition, in consensual sex, both parties derive pleasure (whether physical, mental and/or emotional) from it (or if they don’t, then they should do).

    The sex “industry” is built on the notion of fucking as a service – albeit asymmetrically in terms of the gender balance. I’m not convinced that the best alternative or redress to women providing the service is for women to receive it – unless it serves to reveal the illogical nature of the notion itself.

    I don’t mean to get all serious on you, but is it an accident that the “doing it for money” post only considers you receiving money, not you paying the sub for the “service” you receive? Wouldn’t that be a bit more….sadistic? Who knows, you may even get the urge to strangle or decapitate a few and leave them naked in a stream… :-)

  37. I would love to pay a male submissive. I would so get off on that. I’ve played games around it before. But it doesn’t happen. Or not where I live. But don’t think for a minute that it has never crossed my mind.

    And, thing is, the prodom thing is much more in need of address. Prodoms are all you see of women like me. That’s more important.

    And yeah, everyone is getting serviced. But in kink we sometimes like to pretend that one of us is hating every minute.

  38. Very interesting. Highlights the sadism inherent in the system of prostitution.

    Good luck on the prodom thing – which I think is an argument about who’s servicing whom? It’ll run and run of course, because as you say, everyone is getting serviced…

  39. For me, I think, paying for it is about getting round the huge enormous guilt problem of sexual sadism.

  40. For me, I think, paying for it is about getting round the huge enormous guilt problem of sexual sadism.

    Is that why more sadistic things get done to prostitutes than to non-prostitutes, on the whole?

  41. Well, essentially, I don’t know. How could I? I’ve never done anything sadistic to a prostitute. But it certainly sounds plausible to me that that would be *a*reason.

  42. cherub

    one word “feeldoe” Google it.


  43. One word: Ha!

    I *know* what a feeldoe is. They fall out. They are also not rigid enough for the job in hand. Also they are a stupid pointless waist of energy trying to make it so the woman can be the fucker and feel something in her vagina when – if you just accept that being fucked is just as toppish – it is pretty easy to have sex and feel something in your vagina and be on top.

    He has a cock. I have a cunt. Don’t blind me with science.

  44. Well, essentially, I don’t know. How could I? I’ve never done anything sadistic to a prostitute. But it certainly sounds plausible to me that that would be *a*reason.

    Loving it. Ditto for your “One word: Ha!”

    Just trying to relate the paying for it, the sadistic urge and the guilt in their correct alignment.

    You agree that the act of paying for it is more sadistic than not. Presumably this is true for the less overtly sadistic general prostitution exchange. I therefore don’t see how the paying for it ameliorates any guilt. And I also reckon that guilt drives an escalation of sexual sadism. I can’t untie these three things.

  45. Yeah. Except, you know, prostitutes probably also *do* more sadistic things than not-prostitutes.

    And, you know, I could probably be a lot more useful in this conversation if I wan’t using most of my brain to fantasise about doing sadistic things – guilt-free – to prostitutes. Which is hot to me beyond the telling of it.

  46. Tony

    “Shouldn’t the femdom come shot involve the dom’s actual cunt?”

    Absolutely. 100%. Does this mean there’s a DVD on the way? If not then there should be!

  47. Well. I agree. There should be.

    Although not with my actual cunt. This blog is about the level of exposure I feel comfortable with.

  48. If this had any sort of link in it, I’d think it was spam.

    Da Vinci, eh? Any relation?

  49. Stan

    It could be a code-name.

  50. It’s simple: A Dominant Woman should do what she wants; not what he wants. Otherwise, what’s the point?

  51. Stan – I hate it when my commenters are funnier than me.

  52. I take your point, John. and, of course, you’re right. But the fact I had to write this entire post about me not getting what I want or the expectations I get from subs to do other than what I want – and lot of people were surprised to hear it.

  53. blondegirl

    Here is another side to look at strap-ons: while I may not get any actual *physical* pleasure out of pegging my boy, I do get mental satisfaction. Just watching his face turning red, as I grab his hair and shove his face into the bed, listening to him beg me to stop…

    Whew..just writing that has given me a serious hard on. ;)

    Love being penetrated, love pentrating~! There are many, many ways to be a domme. That’s what makes life as a dominant woman so great- so many choices, so little time to excercise them ALL. ;)

  54. Strap ons are okay. But sex is better. I just get pissed off with the mind set that dom women prefer strap on sex to the regular kind.

  55. Dave

    I’ve never understood the strap-on thing. I mean the point of pentetrative sex to me is that I have sensation in my penis. I don’t get off on grunting over a woman “Daddy’s coming home” like Dennis Hopper in ‘Blue Velvet.’ I get off on the great feelings. There are other attractions too, it being pleasurable for one’s partner as well. But if I wanted to pleasure a woman with a vibrator, I’d hold in my hand not strap it round my waist.

    Strap-on play always seemed too Freudian for me.

  56. >>>Fuck strap-on play. For serious. I’m a woman. I get to get fucked *and* be the dom.

    Hear, hear.

  57. Mark

    When I first read your post, I totally disagreed with you. But then I read it again, and I guess I can understand the fact that having a cock doesn’t make you the domme. However, have you tried either the feeldoe or a double dildo. The feeldoe goes into the pussy and then has a dildo sticking out. This way you(the wearer) gets alot of satisfaction. Or you can try the double dildo(16″ or more). You put half in you and the guy puts the other half in him. You can both be on your back and hold hands(romantic) while your butts are banging against each other.
    I also agree with my wife who knows the power of the pussy. She uses it to make me do the dishes, clean the house, laundry, what ever she wants. She loves when I give her oral and I have cum before(on the floor) while giving her oral. I call that a win/win!!

  58. I’d rather get fucked. I’d rather have a cock inside me than a dildo.

    If he’s right there, why not use his cock?

  59. Jack Benimble

    Shoving a strap-on in my mouth as I kneel with my hands tied behind me and using her hands to hold my head while she thrusts her hips and hits the back of my throat over and over is the only way Mistress has found to reliably make me cry. She can make me scream in many, many ways. But the tears flow every time she makes me suck her strap-on.

  60. Well, you know, in some ways that is very hot. I do love crying. Except for me it is a shame that it takes a phallus to make you cry. That a woman alone, without that addition, cannot overpower you to that place.

    Not a critism of you, just something I like to talk about. Why are women wearing cocks and women being dominant so interchangeable. Is it easier to submit to a cock?

    Tell me.

  61. Jack Benimble

    There is a duality. The physical side is that she shoves it into my mouth and throat and gags me. There is a little bit of fear there because I know there are no nerve endings and the only depth gauge she has are the retching noises and the resistance of my throat. Physically, I cannot help but cry. Gagging stimulates the tear ducts. She could do it with a dildo in her hand. Actually she has. It could be done with a teaspoon or a finger or a toothbrush, essentially non-phallic items. Well, for most people. Only then, she only has one hand with which to grab my ears or my hair.

    There is my kink, which has to do with me being a closet bisexual. Well, not far into the closet, I guess. She likes to play to that, because she knows it pleases/humiliates me. There is also the psychological aspect of submitting to something being put in my mouth that has recently occupied my ass. We don’t do scat, and the cock has been washed, but the image is still there, in the back of my mind. Part of my mind is screaming inside, NO! Don’t put that in your mouth! And she tells me to open my mouth. And I open my mouth and take it.

    I am not submitting to the cock. I am submitting to the strength of her personality. I could resist. I could fight back, and although she is a large, strong woman, I am pretty sure I could get away. The way our relationship works, I have always been free to walk away. Only I can’t.

    As far as the crying, I have a high tolerance for pain, and even pain that has me hoarsely screaming for mercy doesn’t make the tears flow. Even when I have had to use my safe word, I haven’t cried.

    And if it just doesn’t work for you, it doesn’t. I respect that, and the level of self awareness you have to see not only that it bothers you, but why it bothers you.

  62. Jack Benimble

    I think my post may have been bounced to spam. If it doesn’t show up, I will try to recreate my initial brilliance *snort* tomorrow.

    You said “Tell me.” And I have to.

  63. There you are – rescued.

    The more I think about it the more I think the issues of strap ons, how they are used and what they represent are far bigger than I realised when I first wrote about them.

    Thank you for this, which was interesting, and also hot.

    BJ x

  64. Yipes.

    I get your point, and the endless “fuck me” droning is totally inane — and must be ten times worse for you since you, apparently, never like doing that in any case.



    How about this then? I don’t WANT to get fucked. I don’t LIKE to get fucked. I’d much rather fuck other people.

    I’m the dominant. I get to. BECAUSE I WANT TO.

    I get enough being told that how I prefer to have sex isn’t “real” by people who think a woman’s “place” is to be penetrated. I don’t need other dominant women telling me the same thing, thanks.

  65. (and the idea that I have to use a Feeldoe… just irks me so much. “Have you ever tried…?”

    How about “I’m the top and you’re the shutting up now? ‘Cos I guarantee you’re not the first dude with this magic idea that I’ve got to be getting fucked somehow or it’s less sex.”

    Because you know, the important thing is whether something’s going in my cunt or not. Sex ain’t sex unless it’s defined by this male ideal of Fillin’ The Cunt!)

  66. Seth Fogarty

    Hey, I’m all for dominants getting to enjoy penetrative sex. Yay, sex! I’m all for tearing down the stereotype that doms must wield phalluses to make the bottom cry.

    But, you know, some of us males LIKE strap-ons. Not as punishment, but as actual happy fun time. And some of our partners like USING them (particularly this thigh harness, that really seems to just find the right positions…), and find it really hot.And it is just as much sex as me using a dildo on a woman, which is just as much sex as me penetrating her. There is nothing unempowering or undominant about being penetrated… but there is nothing unempowering or undominant about using a strap-on either.

  67. Okay.

    But, here’s the thing. Strap ons are fine. So long as people stop lying about them. Acting as if the woman can feel it. Acting as if the woman should *come* from it. Acting as if *fucking* is the supreme act of conquering a sexual partner.

    They are not a priori wrong. But they hold far more ground than they should considering the amount of pleasure that they bring for the weilder.

    Adn there is so much gender fucking in femdom compared to other deviances. You have to ask why.

  68. Bitchyjones,

    Here’s the thing.

    I do come from it.

    I’m tired of people telling me they know what I do and don’t feel because they don’t come from it.

    Isn’t a big part of the whole kink thing that different people like different things, come from different things, etc.?

    I fantasized about penetrating my partners since I knew what penetration *was.* Part of the reason I sought out the SM community (I honestly identify more as leather than as femdom) was precisely because of that hokey woman-as-penetrator stereotype. I was like “Oh, whoa, women like me! I’m not crazy!”

    Did I find that the stereotype is me? Not really. I genderfuck to a degree that makes those big-haired dildo-waving vixens look like paragons of femininity.

    I do agree with you that there is a whole big emphasis on fucking that way that is disrespectful of people who don’t, and I’m all for you standing up and saying “No, this is what I like to do, and how I like to do it, and if you think that’s less dominant please go spend the night/the rest of your life alone, thanks.”

    But I don’t think that people talking about what sex “must” feel like to me, or what’s appropriate for me to feel during sex, makes any sense or is productive.

    Particularly when… isn’t the whole point of domination that it’s the individual top in question who ultimately decides that?

    When I talk about how I have sex and what makes me come, I am not lying.

  69. Okay, so look, we both feel marginalised by the way femdom packages and portrays itself. How it tells us dominat women *are*. I’m assuming you don;t define yourself as femdom becasue all you see is waht youa re not

    This is because femdom is not designed by or for women.

    A lot of people say to me, well, you’re the top, you get to choose, why complain? And yes, I do, but I still feel marginalised more generallt. I still want to be represented in the culture.

    I think it is offensive that every image of femdom sex you see in porn or even in the mainstream media culminates with him getting done in the arse by her phallus. It worries me. What does this mean? Why is this the case?

    Why is so much femdom imagery of women with phallic objects: bullwhips and canes…

    What individual people do is somewhat different. But I’m sick of the lies about what I am and what a dominant woman is. Maybe you are too.

    Did you read the follow up post?

  70. This is the first thing I’ve read in a long time from a femdom perspective that hasn’t left me scratching my head going “what are you on about?”. I hate strap-ons. I’ve used them, sure, and for a little while it was cool – “look at 19 year old me getting down with my bad dom self!” – but it got boring pretty fast. It worked as an expression of possession or ownership in the beginning, but then I also started thinking, hang on, why is penetration the mark of ownership? What does that way of structuring things say about women’s place in society? I don’t think I like what that says, actually, so I’m not doing it any more. Plus, it started to feel like I was doing the guy a favour to me, and I’m not particularly inclined to do favors for other people (sexually speaking) unless there’s a payoff in it for me.
    There’s also the fact that it provided zero physical sensation for me, and really, if I’m in charge then why would I put up with that? I don’t even particularly like making boys cry – I’m more the making them beg for more type – so what would be the point of the whole exercise for me without the idea that penetration = domination?
    In the end I guess I’m just selfish. If any given sexual act doesn’t have my physical pleasure at the center of it why bother?

    (Note for Trin – for those who do get physical pleasure out of it obviously the whole thing is going to be different, and worth doing. I’m not saying that nobody should use strap ons, just that I agree with BJ that it shouldn’t be viewed as the ultimate expression of female domination)

  71. Thanks.

    I was starting to feel like some kind of freak for liking my own genitals the best

  72. Firefightrix


  73. Hello, BJ. I’m another femdom who so far has been nodding along with much of your writings. I guess I’m not all that educated as far as what the popular culture expects from femdoms, because I didn’t know that we’re “supposed” to use strap-ons. How long has that expectation been there? My intro to prodomhood was a college pal who went on to prodom in NY, and while she did plenty of dress-up, humiliation, sissification and pain play, she never did strap-ons.

    My partner identifies as gay, and to him, being penetrated (the rougher, the better) is what makes him feel desired and loved. I was initially puzzled, but learned to fist, and to use dildoes and strap-ons. I do come from using them, because making my boy all hot gets me all hot. It’s a feedback thing…

    I do totally get the idea of rejecting what’s expected of doms. Whatever works with your partner is the tool you’re gonna use, whether that’s a cane or his belt or a dildo or a cat toy or your pussy…. I use all these things liberally as I see fit. I especially love to find new uses for previously innocent items. This is my challenge as a top.

    Interesting blog. Good luck on the writing award. Looking forward to your other thoughts on gender (haven’t read through your archives yet… perhaps it’s in there).

  74. Thank you.

    Yes there is quite a lot on gender

    Try Surrender Dorothy and My Hero

  75. Russ

    “It’s like an admission that a woman isn’t equipped to fuck and dominate someone.”

    I happen to quite agree, as you well know.
    It’s been a while since we’ve clashed words, have you missed me?

    And congratulations on the Award.


  76. Mister Master Sir, this girl missed you like some kind of terrible physical pain, Mister Master Sir.

    Did I get that right? Did I? Did I? Do I get a biscuit now?

    Betcha liked my switching post, daddy.

    Beej x

  77. Russ

    “And it does get tricky when you have women who are sub but dom-for-money call themselves switch.”

    Met one… Not even going to go there.

    “- Hey buster, there are loads of submissive women in the world painting their nails and twirling their handcuffs and just waiting for you to buff up and calm down.”

    You know the drill, send them over to me ;]

    “And you know I like bravery. And you know I think submitting is brave.”

    No, submitting is entrusting responsibility of your actions to another. I see that it’s necessary, but I wouldn’t call it brave.

    Enough, I’m off to bed.

    And Bitchy, Just call me God.



  78. For the femdom feminist, how about feminatrix?

    And I want to know who decided that penetratee=passive?

    Sure, a person can be passive when penetrated. A person can also be aggressive whilst passive. I think it’s all about choice. As long as a person is choosing what they want, then who’s to say if it’s passive or assertive?

    Style, darling, it’s all about style. ;)

    I take a cock up my vagina, and there’s never any doubt about who’s on top, whether or I’m on my back or not. If I want it, I’m having it, end of story.

    It just seems such a shame that so many people seem to think different = wrong

    Just to be clear, I have a strapon, but I find I hardly ever use the harness. I mostly use the dongs for the harness, in my hand.

    (although I do quite like to be a size queen and strut around with a wobbly ginormous cock in the harness, but hey, that’s my thing :p )

  79. delores

    does a male who is getting fucked in the ass by another male or strap on get an erection during the fucking?

  80. Bob Greyson

    Anyone who thinks the person with a penis has all the power, here is a non-kink related story for you. I had a 100+ degree fever, which my girlfriend at the time was well aware of. took some tylenol and passed out in bed. I awaken indistinguishable amount of time later to a great sense of “what the hell is going on” confusion and disorentation. My girlfriend has mounted me and is getting herself off. When i asked what did she think she was doing in a very angry and still confused manner, she said that she was horny and wanted to do something about it. from my perspective, it was non-consentual intercourse.

  81. OK. I’m bookmarking your blog. Great insight! Use a finger. Use a “wand.” And the prostate’s the point of it all. “Femdom Corporation?” LOfuckingL.

    Isn’t it interesting the way that so many potentially transformative things get edited and remixed, with a teensy (well maybe not so teensy) weensy bit of deadly poison wrapped up inside all the goodness, just hiding away there waiting for ta do you in?

    Great piece there!

  82. Femsup

    With you on wondering why immitating a male by use of a phallus should be seen as being superior.Surely the woman is adopting a facsimile of an inferior piece of equipment when compared to the clitoris.
    It always perplexed me to that so called submissive males would dress up in wimens clothing in order to feel inferior.I think this demonstrates a very confused and patriarchal attitude.
    Then again why does the butch in a lesbian relationship wear more masculine clothing.Is she saying to be male is superior?

  83. Hi

    Very interesting information! Thanks!


  84. curios1uk

    Strapons FEMALE to male. At last some honest truth. Most of what is said comes from the male quarter, and that is not femdom it,s more like role play, his fantasy. Now if the woman could reach her climax on a regular basis by straping her partner then that is another ball game. Keep the blogs coming as there are few words said that really put things from the female perspective

  85. notapatientgirl

    I like to think I resolve that whole issue nicely by using my fingers. I like to finger both guys and girls, Ive done my research on anatomy and prostate stimulation. Its the stimulation of the senses that drives a lot of my activities, whether its the snap of a flogger, the taste of his cum, the smell of his sweat or the tightness of his ass :)

    I think its great you came to the conclusion though, Im not the biggest fan of stap ons, although ones with shorter cocks can be hot and often can provide more sensation. Read Sugarbutch :)

    I love that you dismiss cliche as boring and make your own rules, its great!

  86. Well, yeah, but, I do think there is a bigger issue about penetrating always being presented as the dominant role and being penetrated always being seen as submissive.

    Sometimes I think the most radical sex I have is when I am lying on my back. And it’s shocking how many submissive men ‘don’t do’ fucking!

  87. Ollie

    Firstly I agree with much of your post, and it does seem a bit top from bottom (no pun intended) but its also whatever floats your boat i guess too.

    However, I would like to ask you this. Given that nerve endings are the deal here and that you want to get fucked and be on top, why arent Dommes using hollow strap ons more?

    To me this seems a perfect use for the strap on. You (domme) gets to be fucked by a proper sized cock while your subbie CANT feel anything, hows that for cruel?

    Ollie :)

  88. Why do you think submissive men don’t already have ‘proper sized cocks’.

  89. Ollie

    I guess what I mean is a ‘big’ cock then. But yeah fair point, if your subbie is (considered above average) I guess this wouldnt work.
    I am subbie and I sit almost dead on average at 6 inches…except after a lot of proper fucking it seems to oddly grow a bit longer.
    I just thought this was a great way to get fucked while depriving the subbie of that sensation. Cruel is sweet.

  90. I think submissive men using strap ons is actually very common – particularly with chastity type stuff. (And I do mention that in the post.)

    But you know, I like it that he feels something. I like him to be turned on.

  91. Ollie

    ….that cruelty (not feeling it) IS a turn on though! Mistake me not, as much as I salivate at being a subbie i simply love fucking as much as anything.

    I did miss the part regarding chastity in your post, it was a scan read….my maiden visit to your website infact.

    Now i know you actually read and reply to the comments (instead of just sounding off and walking away, point proven), then I assure you i will pay more attention next time :)

  92. Ollie

    hmmm i think your on about the kind of chaste with strap on fuck? (chastity device with a strap on)

    but im thinking the hollow one has to be infinitely better…..how damn cruel is it going to be, to feel yourself hard inside, but feeling nothing..so close but yet so far.

    like being made to wear about 90 rubbers….

    ….maybe the application of a local anaesthesia after youve swollen up hard. hmmm theres cruel

  93. D

    My wife and I have tried strap-on and whilst I got the physical pleasure, she got the bigger kick out of me enjoying even though it had a vibrating butt plug attached. We’ve recently got a two-way though and we’ve found it exhilirating! She feels like she’s fucking me properly now. Is it possible to have a two way anus-anus whilst I penetrate her my cock in her vagina. That would be wonderful.

  94. robbie

    I have always enjoyed a double dildo. When I make love with my woman, she demands that I use it instead of my penis. She tells me that i’m too small to please her and that, since in her view I’m weaker (and very small down there), it makes better sense. We find that it is HIGHLY pleasurable with me on top in what is now called the “cowgirl position”.

    As an aside, some of us sub guys get very turned on by having our nipples played with. When I’m straddling her and she plays with them, I have to resist the urge to cum before she does.

  95. Mim

    I love you! you win! ^_^

  96. Coming at it as a bi femdom, I can point out that while I don’t bother using it much on my boy, I do really like strap-ons when I play with girls.
    You said it yourself: women like to be vaginally penetrated. It feels good.
    And honestly, many men like to be anally penetrated. it feels good.
    Does this mean I get to cum just by fucking her (or him) with a rubber cock? Yeah right. It just doesn’t feel that good- you’re right there. But do I enjoy the fact that she fucking loves it, and so does he? Of course. It’s just like any other play that my sub just adores and I find, well, kinda interesting.
    Do I *really* get off on wrapping him up in layer after layer of saran wrap? Not really. Do I cream myself over his ecstatic reaction when I tell him I’m going to? Hell, yes!
    To me, strap-ons are pretty much the same thing.

  97. lost_kinkster

    “I mean CB 2000 users can buy a strap-on for men to wear over the damn cock cage. For fucking women. The point being: fucking with a strap-on is so pleasure free it’s a way of the woman getting her fuck without chasteboy feeling anything fun.”

    Okay, my brain just broke. That is the dumbest thing I have ever seen. I’ve never understood the whole permanent enforced chastity thing anyway and that is the terminal wtf.

    I feel like saying, ‘If cocks are that irrelevant, why don’t they just cut them off already?’ but I suspect some of them might be considering it already.

  98. herslaveboy

    Wow, I’m not sure I know where to begin. So many thought processes here. I’m liable to plagarize several of them just getting to the point. I’ll try my best not to trample on any of them on the way.

    First off, the reason images of femdom’s often revolve around strap ons is pretty simple. Men make most of these images. Men propagate the images. Men salivate at the images. Porn has always been about what men want. Seems to me I read in one of your posts that you are still searching for some great porn for You to enjoy. I think if there is ever going to be porn for women, it will take someone enlightened like yourself producing it. Otherwise, porn will always be for guys.

    The strap on (IMO) is a turn on for submissive men because it forces them to confront their latent homosexual tendencies or fears (or both). Humiliating them in this way, and forcing them to confront it is a form of domination. Obviously, there are tangents and exceptions to this, but it makes for a good start to the conversation.

    See, here’s the thing….even if a guy is completely comfortable with his manhood, he will be uncomfortable having a strap on used on him. This is especially true when it is inserted in his mouth. Taking it “up the ass” can be pleasurable, and what is actually happening to you is not “in your face” so to speak. Having to suck on a cock, even a fake one (or maybe, especially a fake one) is very humiliating. It may be the most humiliating act that a sub male can think of, and therefore, becomes the ultimate fantasy. That’s not to say that You couldn’t come up with something more humiliating for him to do. I am only speaking about the fantasies of the male sub here. (And please don’t be upset my fellow subbies. I know that just like Bitchy Jones, we all have our differences. I just generalizing here, and hoping not to be called out on the mat for it.)

    And so, the viscious circle. Men fantasize about, create, publish, and search for porn. Therefore, most porn is male biased.

    I’m sure not everything you look at could be so callously defined as porn, but consider the influence all that porn has. Even though it’s not what turns You on, you have run across lots of images of the femdom as strap on wearer. Otherwise, this post would not exist. Just the fact that you seen it so many times has an effect. That effect carries thru into other venues outside of porn. It propagates. Kudos to you for speaking out against it. Also, kudos to you for listening to everyone else’s opinions in the comments here. Obviously, we are not all alike. Some people like what you do not. But I get it. It would be nice if the online image of female domination didn’t always revolve around wearing a strap on.

    Just understand that it is a very frightening image for most men. And therefore, it can be a huge turn on for submissive men.

    Also, in most enlightened discussions about D/s relationships, there is a lot of talk about the D getting “what I want”. This is an obvious point, but it gets mentioned so often because men have too damn many fantasies about what a D/s relationship is all about. The point needs to be made again and again that the D should get what they want. s should NOT be topping from the bottom. If a sub is truly submissive, it should be all about the Dom(me). I get that.

    However, I think most good D/s relationships also revolve around what the sub wants. Otherwise, it wouldn’t work would it? Sure, it’s more of a subset of what the D wants, but that doesn’t invalidate it does it? And so I say kudos to several of the commenters who say they got pleasure from pegging their sub because the sub liked it. Nothing wrong with that! Just make sure that You are also enjoying yourself! Otherwise, I’m sure there are plenty of other kinky activities you could be doing that both of you would enjoy on some level.

    Did all that make some kind of sense? I feel like I just rambled my way thru a midterm……


  99. Wochy

    “Because really, that thing where the orgasm starts to hurt after the fourth or fifth time – such a nice design feature. I mean, you know I don’t go in for natural order of things talk, but if I wanted evidence…)”

    Don’t women start to hurt after orgasming multiple times, especially after being fucking hard so much? If a guy hurts, it is because of constant friction to his penis, not because of the orgasm.

    An I am sure there are many men who can go four or five times without it starting to hurt, so I don’t know if you could use that as evidence. I mean, you can probably say the same thing about some women.

  100. Pingback: Monday Advice: Top Guilt? Sub Shame? « Advice and Consent: Domme Delilah’s Blog

  101. I wish I’d read this before we tried the whole strap on harness thing. It was pooey and messy and awkward and entirely for me, and my wife hated it.

    She likes to be fucked too, royally, while lying on her back, and when I am close to coming she hurts me in a variety of ways so I recede a little. I have asked her if she derives pleasure from this and she says yes, of course, in her pussy.

    But unlike you I don’t think she’s much of a sadist, really. I think if she could just give me some tablet half an hour beforehand, to retard all possibility of my orgasm for the night, she’d happily do that instead.

  102. greeneyedLady

    “You see, the problem with strap-ons is, they are not actually part of my body. No matter how good the harness is, they’re not actually attached to my central nervous system, which, forgive me, is kind of the big deal with the penis. Some of you have got one, right? You know how it’s got all those nerve endings? You know how it’s all sensitive? You know how that’s kind of the whole damn point?

    Is that clear? Want it clearer?

    I. Cannot. Feel. Anything.”
    Yes. This sounds familiar. However, much like you stated, I do enjoy their reaction to the things I do. So that means while I feel nothing doing it, I do derive pleasure from them enjoying it, reacting to the things I do. I feed on those reactions. It’s almost like my need for oxygen.

  103. d

    my mrs loves the strap on and I’ve got to say I love it too :-)

    she loves the power she has over me, even if she doesn’t get the feeling of cock. she loves to penetrate me as much as possible and then reach around and play with the real thing. she also loves when i sit on it and bounce and kiss her, she finds it empowering.

    next thing on the agenda is she wants to give me O and after i cum, she wants to give me it to swallow. Am I going to love it or hate? she said she’d piss on me if I don’t so I’m in a catch 22, i want to try both :-)

  104. I really like that you spit out this rant and then had a big discussion to elaborate and clarify. This is how shit gets figured out. It feels kinda messy and ongoing– I dig it.

    I hear you about the problems with equating topping and cocks, or topping and being inside other people’s bodies. Clearly humans are diverse enough that we can top all kinds of ways. Betty Dodson has been talking about women “running the fuck” in any sexual role for years (decades?).

    So cocks are not a prerequisite for domination. I’m with you there.

    Regarding cocks = masculinity, I do think that is where a lot of media and porn is coming from, but also I have rocked a strap-on in a cis-woman, hetero-partnered (though queered), feminine way. So I wanted to add a shout out to the many varied kinds of femininity that are possible within negotiated relationships where gender is understood as a performance. Strap-ons don’t have to be about masculinity, or even about cocks.

    Reading your post, I got a bit worried that the baby was going down the drain with the bathwater. Poor baby strap-ons, bathing in interlocking systems of oppression like all the rest of us.

    And as far as strap-ons being no fun… has it really gotten to 10 million comments and no one has mentioned Bend Over Boyfriend? I figure when something sexual isn’t turning out fun, knocking it off is always an available option. But there’s also option two: find people who ARE having fun and get tips. Watching Carol Queen in that DVD made pegging more fun for me.

  105. N

    Dear Bitchy Jones,

    The comments on here together make up one of the most illuminating discussions on this I think I’ve ever seen. So thanks. I was thinking about adding my own, but someone has got there first. It’s by ‘HerSlaveBoy’ on 23 Dec 2008:

    ‘The strap on (IMO) is a turn on for submissive men because it forces them to confront their latent homosexual tendencies or fears (or both). Humiliating them in this way, and forcing them to confront it is a form of domination. Obviously, there are tangents and exceptions to this, but it makes for a good start to the conversation.

    See, here’s the thing….even if a guy is completely comfortable with his manhood, he will be uncomfortable having a strap on used on him. This is especially true when it is inserted in his mouth. Taking it “up the ass” can be pleasurable, and what is actually happening to you is not “in your face” so to speak. Having to suck on a cock, even a fake one (or maybe, especially a fake one) is very humiliating. It may be the most humiliating act that a sub male can think of, and therefore, becomes the ultimate fantasy. That’s not to say that You couldn’t come up with something more humiliating for him to do. I am only speaking about the fantasies of the male sub here.’

    The strapon, essentially, is a symbol. I think the most important line of that post was ‘forces him to confront’. Because that is essentially what I think it does. So its a tool which, in certain contexts, can be used to physically and sexually symbolise the power relation in a relationship.

    I think this is something which has actually been brought up by quite a few of the other posts here, albeit slightly less explicitly. For example –

    May 21, 2007, Jack Benimble.
    I am not submitting to the cock. I am submitting to the strength of her personality.

    Just in case you’re still reading these comments, I would be really interested in your reaction to all / any of that.

    Thanks for all the great blogs!

  106. I think one of the most interesting perspectives mentioned here is that there seems to be a correlation between submissive men and penis size. I

    ‘ve read articles where there were testimonials of “subs” stating what arouses them is to be treated inadequate, although some regardless of size, admitted that was a contributing factor but they felt like there was no direct correlation.

    A man’s penis, in the form of a strap-on, is a very powerful weapon of a woman’s superiority and dominance…hence the dom. Meanwhile the subs openly admit they are slaves of their inadequate dick, and so we they find the need of a woman in charge to discipline them.

    Any additional thoughts on this?

  107. Mainly, I try not to have thoughts about men with inadequate dicks.

  108. Pingback: Strap-ons: Yet Another Alternate View « Advice and Consent: Delilah Wood's Blog

  109. pin_drop

    (I stumbled on this post via MayMay’s link in Male Submission Art, and I know it was ages ago but it got me thinking. Hope you don’t mind a random stranger commenting months after the fact.)

    I’m a woman who has sex mostly with women. When I’m in the mood for it, I like being penetrated a lot — strap-on, hands, objects, whatever. And when I’m in a different kind of mood, I like to wear my cock. Really and truly, I like it. We do exist.

    Like trinityva, I am not lying when I say that it makes me come to fuck people with it. It stimulates my clit, and also it satisfies a certain deep, visceral urge I have: I like to use my pelvis to fuck my partner. For me, there’s just something very centering, very direct about being inside of someone that way, about the thrusting motion and the position itself which is really, really sexy, particularly when it’s face to face. It’s close and fierce and very personal. I can embrace her while I fuck her, her legs and arms go around me, our torsos and pelvises are involved, our whole bodies are into it. There are days when I want this and nothing else will do.

    So while I agree that cocks carry all kinds of weird symbolic baggage (power/agency/masculinity), that’s firmly secondary to how I feel about mine. And I just want you to know that there’s at least one woman in the world who likes her strap-on primarily just because of the surface-level sensual pleasure it affords. I’m not doing it to be butch, or to get someone else off, or because that’s what doms are “supposed” to do. It’s about me.

  110. un tres bon article, je pense que cela va m’aider merci !

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